I find that it seems that I am never doing the right things to "fix" my marriage. I was the WS and I look back and think to myself 'I was so stupid, what was I thinking!!' The A has created a finacial crunch as well as an emotional barriar between us. I am working 60-80 hours a week to remedy the finances and I try to spend good time with my W and daughter every chance I get, but it seems that it never helps her (W). It has been over for about 9 months and I want my W to be happier (and with me). I know things don't get fixed overnight, so I don't expect them to be peachy keen, but sometimes I think I am not doing the right things to fix us or her. She has put emphasis on me getting counseling and reading books and reading the Bible (which I started to do). I don't want to be so engrossed in books and counseling that all my free time is used up that I never get a chance to spend time with her. I think there must be a 'happy medium' where I spend some time with her and some time working through books and conseling. I am not asking for a quick fix, but I don't think it is a good idea to ignore her completely in order to read, etc. Any and all comments are welcome. BTW, I start the Fall semester in a week and will be going to school 20 hours (16 credits) a week.

Arghh, I need more hours in the day. (Don't we all)

why dont you go out on a date...it dont have to be expensive...a walk in the park..make time if you want it to work out otherwise anything you do will be mote point..i understand the long hours working ...you might want to get a baby sitter (grandmas are great) cuddle on the couch....play some of your favorite tunes and dance in the living room.....anything to show her you still care and love her and your trying to make time..pick some wildflowers on your way home and suprise her with them(if shes not allergic)its the little things that mean alot to most women..its just a few suggestions i hope they work if you try them.... good luck

You have to decide...is the marriage important enough to stay in debt a little longer? 60-80 hours a week may get your finances in order...but it's not going to give you the quality time you should be having with your family...and yes, you should find some time to read the books and counsel as well. And then you're starting classes?? Is this something you have to do right now? Don't assume that you have time to fix what's broken. Mending needs to be rapid and constant until things are MUCH better...or she'll slowly slip away and one day be gone and you'll be left thinking "now how did that happen?".

If your job is one where you're on the road a lot or you have a big commute...try getting those books she's reading on tape. I don't get nearly enough time to read as I'd like, but I'm on the road a lot so I'm thinking of converting. That way I can more efficiently use the hours I have!

Most of all...communicate with your wife. Ask HER what she needs and if you're doing enough. She'd be the best one to tell you if you're working too much, or need to spend more time at home.

If you are not in counselling...and bucking the thought/act of going...then you're actions are speaking about you committment to healing and fixing things...which could tend to make your wife unhappy...

fixing the financial fallout...is easy...
work more = make more = decrease debt...

emotional fall out...fixing you and her and dealing with "issues" = difficult...

No one on this planet gets "so engrossed in counselling...

that "all my free time is used up that I never get a chance to spend time with her."

that statement is not realistic...
is an excuse at best...avoidance at worst...

If she wants you to read a book..read for half hour a day...read on your lunch break...

basically what you are saying is "no" too her requirements for healing...

YOU want this marriage..???????
DO THE WORK!!!!!!!!!!
spending time with her...pretending everyone is happy, as you can see isn't working..

avoiding all issues/subjects/processes of the affair...and pretending to move on as if it's all behind everyone...
is the single most damaging route you can take...

If you want your wife to be happy...do the actions she is asking of you..
call a counsellor today...make the appointment...she will be happy about that....

anything else is just excuses and glossing over...
ARK

if you want to help her do what SHE wants and needs. she told you counseling, and the books. DO IT!! i asked the same of my husband and he never did it. he did other things like you, thinking they would be just as good. well, they are not. it is now 2 yrs later and i am tired of waiting. he may have missed his chance to do what i asked. dont miss your chance.

and by the way--i know this is gonna be blunt, but you found time to have an affair---found time to have what YOU wanted, she just wants to be worth the same thing.

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: nikko ]</small>

well there it is... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Nice post Nikko...

ark

thaaaankyou....thaaaankyouverymuch!