Hello Wangi,

Thanks for the kind words. If it's any consolation, on D-Day, when my H told me had an A with this weird, dysfunctional woman (I already knew her), I slapped him as hard as I could. So I get that way too. (He wanted to go to the hospital -- what a hypochondriac!)

I'd cool it on throwing stuff out. Why not just pack it away, put it into deep storage, and bring it out in a year or so, when it may not have as many associations for either of you? Especially the couch -- throw a new slipcover over it. Make the house new, instead of throwing stuff out. Maybe repaint, or redecorate. (I'm a cheapskate, however, I have trouble throwing away expired coupons.)

Wangi, Blah's criticisms may give you some indications of his ENs. If he wants you to dress sexier -- well, get something flattering (you're pretty!) and wear it sometimes. Then...jeans and a t-shirt sometimes, too. I tend to slop around the house in casual things, too -- and my H did drop hints. Same with hair. Make it clear that you'll wear your hair in any way that pleases him -- have him go to the stylist with you. After all, does it really matter? If he's athletic, he's probably into body -- yours as well as his.

I'd try to use the carping as possible keys to a new life together. There are important hints in there.

Why don't you rent a really, really funny movie and watch it together? You could probably both stand a good laugh.

Thanks AMM,you know we bought a new slip cover in his last NC in June but it was already stain all over(not going to get into it)..and I go with white or off white,and I don't mind spending on things can be bought with money in order to feel good about it. So I won't keep/see whatever was touched & used by(that include Blah, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> huh..)I cut my hair when Blah broke my heart & I had kept my hair for him for many years(it was my long hair that attracted Blah's attention. And he did not want me to cut my hair though I got tired of having long hair for many years;plus I did hula then..when I found out his A,I stopped hula & began cutting my hair bit by bit,now the shortest ever(since I came to US)I can always grow my hair back..that is not a problem. I just won't look or dress like a slut. he can't complain much of me,
where body concerns,he should know better,I am not
slut and won't act like one. I do dress up,just not slutty,you know. He "used" to think I was sexy,also not wanting me to wear too low cut in case others would look at me...very confusing,
but I can dig it,no problem. He really can not complain about how I look unless he had gotten a beauty queen in his A. So I got mad..he had not love me or be attracted to me for the longest time
regardless of how I look or what I wear...he was too busy then. That was then,this is now,we can start our lives anew.

I must say that once Blah is ready to be in recovery,he will be as good as ever,that is the belief I always have in him,I know when he is ready to live a constructive life with me and we can be happy,and I will certainly be happy to meet all his ENs, after all,it was the lack of communication and ENs not being met that drove him away. I know better now. When both are WILLING it is possible to march into the road of recovery,right?

Thanks again, AMM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wangi,

Now, I don't know what Blah said, but I doubt he wants you to look like a slut.

Probably what Blah is suggesting is something a little smarter, a little sexier, not sluttier -- he'd probably just like you to show off a bit, in public, but with him especially. You are beautiful, and he'd like you to show it a bit! (I know, my H used to say the same thing to me.)

I know with me, working at home, it's easy to get into shleppe mode -- denim skirt and slippers, no makeup. Something chic and sheathlike and backless would be nice sometimes! And classy, not slutty at all.

Well, as I say, if it's important to Blah, why not? Part of the joy of living with someone is not having to dress up. But we have to try to dress to please each other, too -- at least sometimes! Maybe choose "dress down" and "dress to kill" nights?

AMM I guess you are right,why not please him and show off..it is just that he knows me for so long and he knows how I am,not that I don't dress up(sexier,smarter,funkier..)you know I used to be a fashion designer for years before I moved to US,I
tend to be more lay back & casual here..perhaps became more boring & less adventurous?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I will take your smart and useful advice & "renew"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks AMM..you are sweet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Why not show off some of that fashion designer stuff in your background? Was that one of the things that attracted blah to you in the first place?

I'm sure blah knows how you are and doesn't expect you to be other than generally casual. That makes spiking up more exciting and fun when you choose to do it, anyway!

He probably likes BOTH sides of you, and would like to see this other one a little more often.

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

G-R-I-N <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I guess Blah knows why he married me and why he..
oops.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Anyway, I have been doing much more stuffs during our separation..small stuffs but something Blah used to complain..now I play frisbee,I got my driver license(finally...he complained so much on me not driving,didn't need to,not wanting to...)I went into the ocean and kayak(can't swim,won't swim,almost drowned at aged 9)I ran(he called that "walk" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )a bit and hike much more..not so much of an outdoor girl,more into art & craft,
violin,dance, a bit of swinging golf balls..sound boring...used to dance the night away when I was in my early to late twenties.Blah Blah Blah...
I know I can do much more...thanks again for all good thoughts. I felt old and aged,should rejuvenate my soul huh..Blah used to be very much of a quiet person though very athletic. I didn't even like camping,I did about three times with Blah,maybe we will do it sometime soon to Yosemite
We will see..will definitely treasure him more than ever and work TOGETHER on long lost M..thanks
for all the priceless support.

Aloha nui loa, AMM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good luck, both of you! I think the problem is that we think that frisbees or halter tops aren't the "real" me -- that the "real" me is something else. The "real" me is neither of these things, and beyond both of them. We're just talking about altering habits and behaviors, not altering the inalterable essence of "me." Which is fortunate in a marriage, because we have to change lots of these relatively unimportant things.

If it ENs that caused the big problems, then they should be addressed in time. I think ENs get met more easily when both can trust, communicate, and give and take. But sometimes honesty is tough and thats where I need to change, I mean be honest to myself and to W. If we are honest then we have something to work with. Its scary sometimes but it has to be. We can't be afraid anymore.

Since a fantasy life (that I was trying to live) doesn't include all of the ups and downs of married life, there is a middle ground somewhere in mariage which ENs can be met along with some not being met....there is no perfect life. Having reasonable expectations is good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blah34:
<strong>If it ENs that caused the big problems, then they should be addressed in time. I think ENs get met more easily when both can trust, communicate, and give and take. But sometimes honesty is tough and thats where I need to change, I mean be honest to myself and to W. If we are honest then we have something to work with. Its scary sometimes but it has to be. We can't be afraid anymore.

Since a fantasy life (that I was trying to live) doesn't include all of the ups and downs of married life, there is a middle ground somewhere in mariage which ENs can be met along with some not being met....there is no perfect life. Having reasonable expectations is good.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Between the pain and withdrawal, I think your above statement has the most clarity I have ever heard from you.

Santity is a safe place to be. As you said, 'having reasonable expectations is good.'

Blah, I agree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Thanks AMM, where are you tonight Orchid & RH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
We have another quiet night,being kind & nice..Blah told me that he thought he saw LT somewhere in Daly City driving right behind of him (early this evening on his way back from SJ after work) & the LT drove to another lane (that's why he thought it was LT,same type of car,color and a short driver <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I told him I appreciate him being honest about it...I think it bothered him,
anyway,I am not going to make wave, after all I have filed the OR.
I will behave and change all that I can,not just for Blah but for me & the M...I missed being married after being a widow in the M. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Wish us luck and prayers needed..mahalo.
Aloha to all.
Wangi

ALOHA Orchid & RH, I know you guys would be out around this time..after the kids have gone to bed huh...OK.

RH email your cell #,I deleted it by mistake on that Zoo get-together 8-30..ma'af.

Orchid, will call you soon, been busy at work..no excuse,right. I will try,OK. Please say hi to Mr.K and tell him that I appreciate his worries for us..and you both are great! Hi to Master J. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wangi:
<strong>When we do settle down,I shall call you both & invite you over for gourmet cooking ya. RH,let's see if we will be your first
"experiement" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, how about me ?, I was famous in my work place ... wanna Redhat to come, provide food for the meeting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I like Balacan (Malay's chili paste) also I could prepare "Gado-Gado", Eastern Java version of Salad w/ special peanut souce ... or Soto (Indonesian Chicken Soup).

No, both of you won't be my rabbits but it would be my first assignment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wangi:
<strong>When both are WILLING it is possible to march into the road of recovery,right?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reputation of Harley's is on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blah, come to metreon ... martians are always out numbered <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

-rh-

This is Wangi on Blah's ...sorry Blah...OK, RH, I was disconnected and I had to rewrite,grrrrrr
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> You like to makan(eat) ya..I love kang kung with balacan,Blah likes that too. He cooks redang too,he was so nice to cook me food from home,thank God he is a rice eater,I can not live w/o rice,one or two days is ok,pasta will do,not just potatoes though I love potatoes
Nasi (rice) is a must. You know I am very fortunate to have an CIA grad as my personal chef...gado gado is yummy,can you make achar too? My mom is a good cook,I can't cook,so I do dishes...perhaps it is another "to learn" list and to "please"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> much to do,we'll see..
If we were to do anything like makanan & minuman(eat and drink) RH you are invited...cool?! Yes!

Blah has to work on Sat,so no Metreon,maybe the next gathering..we can all cook and eat,RH will make her famous soup,OK,Rushed Fool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and Orchid,let's see no macadamia chocolate,just 2x4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I will do dishes and table setting,deal? Let's see how we can do it somehow someday since we all love to eat,Orchid,kau kau ya? Maybe you can do some lau lau..yum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RH, Don't forget to email your cell # and thanks for the cute reply....at least nothing too depress for a change
(me)

Wangi (not Balh,OK) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: blah34 ]</small>

Hi Wangi and Blah,

Hope all is going well for you both. Now don't cook away your needs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

H will be glad to hear U 2 are doing better. I know that there will still be up and downs. Knowing this is 1/2 the battle. U 2 can learn to give silent and loving signals to help each other out. That way, when one wants to LB, the other will do their part to help the spouse through the hard time. The good thing is that often the hard time hits the R one at a time. Not always but sometimes.

take care,
L.

If I could find "petis" (black shrimp paste), I could make a very special dish ... rujak (fruit salad w/ black shrimp paste) from Surabaya !. My mom teach me how to make it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and I had used up all of the paste <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I might get my brother to bring it if he come this fall.

Talking about food make my tummy growling again ... LOL.

I still owe the Orchid's for house party ... I still have to fix the yards, the fence, the pool and the deck ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> before I could host anything. My ExW rejected the mediated financial settlement last Friday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and we have to go for the trial. I can't move my $ to do home improvement and raining season is coming.

Like you say ... one of this day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> .

-rh-

Hey RH, are you sure rujak(we call it "rojak")is Surabayan?I thought that was more like a "Mamak"
dish? Are you sure? Let's find out eh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Orchid,thanks again,I think we are doing OK so far
at least not instigating any argument,I behave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Blah can be miles away even when he is next to me.
If you know what I mean,just cool it and be patient...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U 2 can learn to give silent and loving signals to help each other out. That way, when one wants to LB, the other will do their part to help the spouse through the hard time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right Orchid..I guess I will do the same.
Silent and loving signals.

Mahalo..and now when can we have the love feast? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

There are many rujak/rojak from different areas, rujak petis is the one with black shrimp paste that is originated from Jawa Timur. My Oldest D likes it too while the youngest one don't even dare to taste it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

RH, now I got it,my dance guru is from Bantung(?)& she's a Javanese,she made rujak petis for us,we
used to gather & ate(beside dancing,we also ate so much,now the dance group split,guru moved away as well as other dancers.Asian dancers with Caucasian spouses,funny huh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As long as the M is not so rojak,I shall be happy.
Yummy yum yum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: wangi ]</small>

"An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband" ~ Booth Tarkington

"One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife" ~ Groucho Marx

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: wangi ]</small>