Some of you may have read my other posts. Anyway, W left me after 16 years of marriage. She is living with OM. I've been talking a good game about how great I'm doing. I know I've come a long way, but when it comes down to it, I feel like POOP! I think of her 90 percent of the time, I fight back tears at least once or twice a day, and I pray several times a day for God to bring her back to me. I've tried staying busy, cleaning the house, working in the yard, working out, etc., but the bottom line is I still think of her constantly. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but does this feeling ever go away? I know it hasn't been that long since all this started, but its hard to get on with my life when I feel this way. I guess its the not knowing what the future holds that just kills me. So, I guess I'm looking for others that feel the same and how they deal with it.... Any suggestions appreciated.

lost-without-her:

I'm sorry for these feelings you are having. I understand them. BTDT.

I didn't read your first post here, so I don't know how long your W has been gone. One thing I have learned is that TIME is the biggest thing on your side.

On the one hand, time is your ally in the break-up of WW and OM. However, in the meantime, it's awfully hard on the BS trying to keep it all together till that happens. BUT, what you do with your time for yourself is just as important!

Think of it this way: If your W were ready to come home today, would you be ready? Part of this devastation that has taken over your life can certainly be a wake-up call. It's almost ALWAYS true that unmet EN's are the major cause of WS going out and engaging in an A. During this "down time" (I have so named it), it's very important that YOU fix YOU!

Going back to the question I asked at the beginning of the last paragraph, WILL YOU BE READY? I see so many people here who spend so much time working on trying to get WS back home, without spending any time on themselves, fixing THEIR "faults" in order to be a better spouse once the A has ended, that once the WS comes home, nothing significant has changed, and the M falls back into the same problems that caused the A in the first place!

In order to ensure successful recovery, it's VITALLY important to work on your "husband" skills. Have you spent time doing that?

You've got nothing but TIME on your hands! You're looking for something to do with yourself.........well, this is it!! I told my H I was learning much about becoming a better W.........if not for him, then for someone......... You can do that, too! Might as well start now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

LWH,
Tonight I could write you a book. My brother, I feel your pain. My WW told me that she wasn't happy last November. She moved out in late Feb. Started an adulterous relationship in May/June and lives with OM most of the time.

I feel as you do. I think of my WW constantly and fluctuate from hope and resolve to self pity and heartache. I did everything with my W for 22 years and went many places, trips, restaurants and events. I can find hardly anything new to do that doesn't remind me of her.

Tonight I am particularly down. My D told me our best friends envited WW out to dinner tonight. WW asked if she could bring OM and they said OK! I told everyone about the affair and them too, but they accepted her, OM and their adulterous relationship. It was like a knife throught the heart. At least my D showed her character and did not go with them because she disapproves of their adultery.

I took my D and her BF to a restaurant that my WW and I and D used to go to. I felt sick inside the whole time. I was doing well on plan B until today when I found out about best friends and WW and OM. Maybe that says something about their character. I would have hoped that knowing of the adultery, friends would have said "Whoa! I don't think we're ready for that yet". Now I believe this will give WW and OM more confidence to go public after this success. I am dying inside because for the first time, I am beginning to see their relationship as possibly love and not an affair. I am losing hope.

I hope this deep funk is temporary, but for tonight, my friend, let us cry in our beer together and then suck it up and continue on tomorrow with renewed faith in the power of God to turn our lives around.

I know I didn't do anything for your spirits, unless misery loves company but I know and you know, we both want happiness and our WS's back and no misery for each other. If you drink, let us drink to that.

PS
Thanks for your post LL
Tonight, after I thought about what lead to all of this, I went to Barnes and Noble and got some self-help books to work on me. Your advice is RIGHT ON.

Thanks Lupolady and Monty,
WW moved in with OM on July 16th. I got back from a 3 month temporary duty assignment at the beginning of June. D-day was July 3rd. So, in all actuality, other than a brief couple of weeks, I haven't spent any time with W for almost 5 months. When she moved out, I started reading everything I could find on affairs. I read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, Divorce Busting, and Relationship Rescue. Also, been reading everything I could find on the internet, including this site. Am I ready for W to come home? I don't know. I know I've learned alot. I know I wasn't there for her emotionally and affectionately. I grew up in a family that never showed much affection and didn't communicate very well. I guess I learned some bad habits in my childhood. I know I'm a lot better prepared now than I was when she left. But even with all I've learned, it still doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. I still think about her constantly. When she first left, I went out and wanted to get drunk. I had a few beers and went out to a club, but that just made me feel worse. So, I quit drinking after that. So, Monty, I won't cry in my beer but I'll cry over a glass of water. I hope I can be as strong as you've been. I don't know how long we'll feel this way, I just hope the pain and lonliness will get better with time. Thanks for the support.....

Lost and Monty:
If misery loves company count me in. D-day for me was 2/16/03 and WW moved out shortly after. I did a solid PA for five months and went to PB two weeks ago. Tomorrow will be my 24 year anniversary but there will be no celebrating.
lupolady gives good advice. If you haven't read Surviving An Affair yet do so. SAA will give you insight as to how the A occured and what will be necessary to restore your M if WW decides to try.
It can get really bad when friends start accepting the OM, Monty. You begin to wonder what happened to the respect they felt for you. But remember that they are your WW's friends too and have been put in a tough position. You would hope that they will take the high road, but you have no idea what they are hearing from her side.
Take care of yourselves and your kids. Excercise, read, put effort into becoming a man less dependent on others. Confidence shows, and your WWs will see it.
Maybe we can start using this thread to share thoughts. Monty, lost-without-her, 23down, goodguy007, and I'm sure there are others. All wondering how we got here and what to do next.

Also, you might check out the thread about emotional detachment. I'll see if I can bump it.

Thanks 23DOWN,

I read the emotional detachment post. I'm not at that point yet but I wish I were...

I talked to the W last night. I called her cell phone, but it was off. I left a message. She called back later. She told me the other day she was trying to find an apt or duplex closer to our home. I was thinking that she was going to do this on her own, without the OM. I found out this was not the case. In a way, I was kinda glad about that because I know my kids will still not stay with her while the OM is there. Its not because of where she lives, but because they can't stand the OM. She thinks it is because of where she was that the kids didn't want to be with her. Maybe this will shake her up a bit...

That phone call helped me out some also. I had been thinking that she was feeling some guilt and maybe needed a break from the OM. That maybe the grass wasn't so greener on the other side. Well, apparently that wasn't the case. I guess I was going through this anxiety thing thinking there may be a chance for her and I to work things out. Well, the phone call got me over the anxiety but made me feel almost angry. I was thinking, I don't need this crap. I deserve better than this. Maybe my friends were right, cut my losses and move on...

I feel a little better today, but far from feeling good. I keep telling myself I need a break from all of this, but I can't seem to think of anything else. I used to love to fish. I've been once since she left. I used to enjoy some tv shows. I can't concentrate on anything long enough to watch a program. The only joy I get right now is watching some music videos. I don't really have to think about that... Also, this site can keep me somewhat occupied. But it keeps me thinking about the things I don't want to think about. I can't just stop reading and posting. It's almost a vicious cycle. I try not to think about her and the M, but I go to this site to make me get information about the M and the affair. I guess I'm somewhat addicted to the things I want to get away from. Does any of this make sense?

Anyway, another day starts and I've got to do some house work. It sucks being a single parent with teenage daughters!!!! Just joking. My daughters are the only thing that has kept me going. Thanks for the support.....

Hey, Lost, ya know, wollowing in self pity isn't doing you ANY good! I'm not picking on you at all. You need to stop indulging yourself in feeling bad. Feeling bad is a little monster sitting on your shoulder telling you that you're lost and you're going nowhere. Flick him off and start anew!

Go out and flirt a little (I know a lot of people do not approve of this, but he needs some sort of ego boost right about now!), join a club, go out with friends or coworkers, go back to school. Do something to build yourself up! Screw her and her drama!

Yeah, she may have been wonderful, but how many other wonderful people are out there who will love you right back and make you feel good and not hurt you??? Once you get into the swing of having your own life back, you won't miss her!

Regain your power, man! Don't hand your power and selfworth over to someone else and expect them to fulfill you. You can do better than that -- we all can!

You're the man, put that man to good use!

Wondrme

When I started Plan B (heck, I think I'm still in Plan B, maybe, though I dunno for sure), the first few weeks were truly godawful. There were times when I could not think at all. Tiems when I couldn't breathe, when all I could do was sit and cry.

Three months later, well, I've gone from spending most of my days in tears, to most of my days happy. I've cried once in the last week, and been annoyed with my WP perhaps twice. The absolute rage I used to feel? It seems to be dying away. The profound sense of betrayal... well, I try not to stir that one up. I think that might last the longest, of all the emotions I'm dealing with.

I'm trying to figure out, right now, what it was that got me from one place to the other.

I guess the only thing I can see is that I watched myself. I watched what helped me, what made me see more clearly, what allowed me some tranquility in the midst of the awfulness. I tried to extend those things, tried to spend more time doing them.

I also found that when the emotions started to boil, it was sometimes easier to force myself to let them out much more quickly than they normally would. That was particularly useful when I -HAD- to see and interact with WP because we were trying to arrange custody.

And I took a good hard look at the rest of my life and de-cluttered a bunch of other stressors. I'd been doing that (without fully realizing that's what it was) for a while beforehand, but I got rid of a lot of burdens in that first few weeks, and leaned very heavily on people who love me. Including, in many cases, people that I didn't even realize cared about me at all.

There is something spiritual, too, that helps. Those who have a strong faith, of whatever sort, are wise to rely on it in times like these.

For myself, do I have a strong faith? Yes. But my crisis of faith (for that's what this is, for me), rests in accepting that I believed in people's ability to do the good and right things at all times, no matter how damaged they are.

And that just doesn't happen all the time. And even though -I- think it's the right thing doesn't mean the other person will agree. Even if she did for fifteen years.

So more and more, I remind myself to have absolute faith that people will act in accordance with their nature. Whether I like it or not.

It's not necessarily a benevolent belief. The brown recluse acts in accordance with her nature, but that's not a comfort to the person she bit. I think, though, that it is a belief stripped of something naive and trusting.

For all that, it's not colder, I don't think. In all this, I have been truly amazed by the depths of love and caring that surround me. People are absolutely wonderful when you need them to be. Sure, they're absolutely horrible sometimes, too. But all in all, the balance is on the side of wonderful, I think.

And yes, sometimes that gets me through the days (and long nights), too.

Lost, I am in no way, shape or form, in any position to give you advice, we are in the exact same boat, ulthough my W has not moved in with her OP yet, I also feel exactly as you do. She has moved to her parents home on July 15th.

I try to keep myself busy, but my thougts are also consumed by her.

The pain and loneliness is beyond description at times.

All,

A will end. The chances of becoming M is only 5% and of course the number would be reduced to less than 1% for those M becoming a fullfiling M. The first question is ... R U willing to go all the way ? for how long ? Doing plan A/B. You know even after Dv there is a chance of reconsiliation if you are wiling. The second question is ... What to do while U R waiting.

We have to act like the M is over yet we are still bound by our M vow until Dv. Do thing that you could not normally do since you have to arrange with SO. It is not dating but "thing that you always wanted to do but can't since you don't have time" GET BUSY.

Read all the R books that you could
Take Flying lesson
Swim with the shark in the tank
Sky Diving
Go back to school
Take Salsa lessons
etc ...

-rh-

Well, I'm not in any position to be giving advice as I was the WS in my relationship but I know how you feel. I think about my ex-H 100% of the time i think. And I live with so much guilt and regret everyday. My A ended over 10 years ago but H just found out 2 and a half years ago so it's still new to him. Hopfully, like me , she will realize what a mistake she has made.

Lost without her - I'me echoing Redhats post. Your D-day is what, 2 months away? I have good news and I have bad news for you. The good news is: nothing is decided yet. Chances for a happy end, an even stronger marriage are still there, absolutely. Even if the last 2 months felt like a lifetime, it's still early days. this is the time for you to get strong, learn about yourself, and improve. Now here's the bad news: your current situation is likely to go on for another while. and: success isnt guaranteed. In my case it took me 15 months or so of intensive plan Aing, being hopeful, only to be repeatedly disappointed (in short - emotional pain), and finally throwing in the towel. but, in hindsight, it was the right thing to do. definitely.
Be strong,
N

Lost,

I'm with you man. It's been almost 6 months since WW left and confessed and 3 since she went no-contact on me.

There (WW & OM) now meeting each others families. Acting as though they just met and there affair had nothing to do with the marriages breaking down. More justification and an attempt to purify the relationship.

There affair relationship is so strong and pure that it's only taken them 6 months to start the family introductions.

Nothing surprises me anymore. In fact I'm now having a hard time controling my anger for my WW spouse and the OM.

I don't know if you've mentioned seeing your doctor but if you have not do so you may be suffering from depression and some meds may help.

Good-Luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goodguy007:
<strong>
There (WW & OM) now meeting each others families. Acting as though they just met and there affair had nothing to do with the marriages breaking down. More justification and an attempt to purify the relationship.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GG

Have you exposed the affair to:
- Your Family
- WW's family
- OMW
- Your mutual friends
- And let WW know that you have ?????

Monty,

Yes may family knows about affair.

OM Wife's family knows about affair.

Our close friends know about affair.

Some other friends don't but will soon.

As for my WW family I'm not sure who knows what and what details they know. Some may know more than others.

I'm actually considering contacting them in a polite manner and letting them know what's been going on. No details but simply that my WW had and is having an affair and OM's name.

Not to hurt my WW but to put one thing straight. That I didn't give up on my marriage and still hope to work things out. That other man isn't some new boyfriend etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goodguy007:
<strong>Monty,

As for my WW family I'm not sure who knows what and what details they know. Some may know more than others.

I'm actually considering contacting them in a polite manner and letting them know what's been going on. No details but simply that my WW had and is having an affair and OM's name.

Not to hurt my WW but to put one thing straight. That I didn't give up on my marriage and still hope to work things out. That other man isn't some new boyfriend etc.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GG,
Please check out my thread to Cerri on the "Just Found Out" forum. Cerri do I tell or not tell WW that I exposed her affair?

Cerri game me a lot of info. I was surprised at how much more I should have done. She's the expert.

Thanks for all the support on this. Just an update. Went to work yesterday. I took a week and a half off. I didn't think about WW too much. I have a 45 minute drive home every day. Thats when I get the worst feelings. Maybe I should try to carpool so I can have someone to talk to and keep my mind off of things. I did get on line and read these forums. So, again, I am still thinking about her constantly if I'm not busy. My W was supposed to start IC yesterday. I haven't spoken to her since Saturday. I don't know how the counseling went. Still not in plan B but will be shortly. I wanted to wait until after our anniversary before I went no contact. I plan on doing a road trip for my anniversary. Gonna go somewhere I haven't been yet. I live in Alaska and there is so much to see here. I guess the summer has kept me in better spirits throughout this whole mess. I'm glad it was now instead of winter - I would have been REALLY depressed during that time. Anyways, thanks again. For those that have posted, keep your head up and WE will get through this!