i posted this as a prayer request earlier today, but a very kind person (thanks, monty!) suggested i re-post here... so here it is. i would appreciate any help.

hi. i have never made a request like this before now. but i need any prayers i can get.

i have been married for five years and i thought we had an incredible marriage. of course there were rough times, but i honestly believed that we were so strong and in love.

my wife told me monday that she was having panic feelings and didn't know that she loved me like a wife should love a husband. then she told me that she had been having these doubts off and on SINCE we got married.

i freaked. i still don't understand. we have had long, LONG periods of really blissful happiness in there. i don't know where this came from or what to do...

i could use some prayers....

thanks

so scared.

SS,
It's me again. Glad you posted here. Maybe it might help others and me too, if you descibe the rough times you had in marriage, something about your how your wife handles situations and something about the type of personality that she has.

Reason I ask is, there is usually a number of things that leads up to an event like this. I know, I was in denial about my part in causing my WW to separate. We both did a lot of LBing that I didn't realize until well after my WW said she was unhapppy. It is seldom that marriage problems come out of the blue, but at first some of us might think that's the way it was.

monty and anyone interested,

well, we have been married for five years. in thinking it through, i have come to see a bit of a pattern to the ups and downs of our life together. i preface this by saying i think that she and i would both agree that her response to trouble is to push away and mine is to push or cling. that has set up a dynamic during difficult times that is really unhelpful, though i thought it was getting better.

anyway, it seems as though we go through a tough period for a couple of weeks or a month followed by several months of extreme happiness then a month or two of ho-hum and then the cycle starts over. give or take.

i know she feel a lot of pressure to be the good daughter for her parents becuase they are divorced and her brother is a mess. so when she says she has done a lot of acting to make everyone think things were okay, i know what she means.

however, i went back through some old emails and letters and pictures and i am so confused. we seemed incredibly happy and totally committed even during the worst of the bad times. when she says that she has wondered from the beginning whether she loved me as a wife should, i just shake my head. she has written letters to me that describe in great detail how much she values me as a husband, how deeply in love with me she is (was), and how well i treat her. if she was just acting, why the hyperbole? she could have gotten away with far less. but i know she totally, passionately loved me. i was there.

anyway, when she shared all this with me a week ago, she said that it was nothing i had done and that she felt terrible that i treated her so well and loved her so much and that she was struggling with all these doubts.

we are committed Christians, though God has shown me through this that we were really kind of faking it for the past few years. we had allowed our faith to turn tepid, which i know God hates. i am thankful that this is restoring my passionate love for Jesus. i just pray it doesn't cost me my wife... we made a vow to God and he to us...

Well SS,
I don't know your W and I'm no psycho analyst, but I have been married to a really beautiful woman who has low self esteem. I never dreamed it because she seems so confident, but her desperation to find someone, anyone quickly after our separation finally made me see the light. In most respects OM is OK but he has a drinking problem. My guess is no one in there right mind would team up with a alcoholic on purpose and hold on tight, unless they didn't think they could do better. (She is still calling and being called by 2 old boyfriends even though the OM is her constant companion accord to my D) She still wants more attention and more assurance that she still has it!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My W, off and on, had a weight problem through out our relationship. I never brought it up to her and she was my dream girl no matter what. I would notice though, when she felt bad about herself, she would push me away..

It's like that old Groucho Marx line: "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member". I guess I was the club that wanted her as a member even though she felt bad about herself. Also wonder if the reason she felt bad about herself because she wasn't getting the attention from other men that she wanted? She always flirted.

I wonder if self esteem is your wife's problem too? What do you think?

monty,

i don't know. i'm sure that's part of it. she has always been the perfect daughter and wife, i mean people came to us for advice all the time. i know she felt an enormous amount of pressure to be perfect. you know, to never have any problems...

i sure hope she hasn't tried to find fulfillment in someone else. i really can't imagine that...

but i couldn't have imagined this either...

Hi there,

You found this site here, MB, and you may have noticed that a lot here deals about adultry. If you follow a few threads you notice a pattern -

1. Spouse gets *****y/difficult/different
2. You try harder
3. Spouse says "I love you but I'm not in love" or starts to rewrite your marriage history
4. You wonder what the f*** is going on here
5. You find out... that there's someone else. everything starts to make sense (somewhat)

So, having read your post I immediately asked myself the question - is there someone else?

Nick.

i don't know.

that would be totally out of character for my wife, even considering our current circumstance.

she could have told me when we had our big "talk." i don't know why she would have unloaded everything else and not that...

so-scared,
I think you should go with your gut feeling. If you think she would have told you in "the big talk" maybe there is not someone else.
Is there someone she is sharing with more then you?
BernieF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by so scared:
<strong>i don't know.

that would be totally out of character for my wife, even considering our current circumstance.

she could have told me when we had our big "talk." i don't know why she would have unloaded everything else and not that...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SS, I hope its not true, but she is behaving just like someone who is having an affair. They normally don't "unload" that little factoid but try to blame it on everything else. They also rewrite history ["our marriage has always been bad, blah, blah, blah.."] Spouses don't just get up and leave for reasons like the ones she gave.

I would suggest that you keep your eyes peeled and start doing a little detective work on the sly. Don't make any accusations, just take a look around.

... and just to add: my wife never saw her actions as an "affair" - sometimes the human mind plays some tricks as to how certain actions can be justified ("but I never slept with him", "it was only s*x", etc etc take your pick)

thanks, guys. i should have mentioned that the work that my wife and i do routinely takes us out of town for long periods of time (always different places). although i suspect that it isn' the healthiest thing for our marriage, it cannot be the problem, it can only be contributing to something that was already there.

that being said, she has been away for ahwile and didn't just leave. she came home for a weekend, confessed the struglle she has been having and then had to return to work. the only unusual part (other than doubting her love) is that she asked me not to come out during my time off.

still sounds suspiscious, i know, but it is not like she just said "i need space" and took off.

besides all that, trusting in Jesus means that i have to give this whole thing to him. if she has had an affair, i'll find out when she is ready to tell. my going out there and doing detective work would not help us at all. and it would not be part of giving everything to GOd.

this verse is giving me some solace right now:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discoursaged, for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go. Jos 1:9

posted September 05, 2003 12:08 PM
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encouraging update!

i wanted to thank everyone (monty & estelle especially) who has prayed for me and offered counsel.

my wife and i have begun the long road toward reconciling our marraige. it turns out that she was not unfaithful at all (so glad i never accused her), but that she nearly had a nervous breakdown. she has been carrying guilt all her life, but especially since we've been married, about not being the person everyone thinks she is. she comes across as being nearly perfect to outsiders and, although everyone knows that nobody actually is perfect, they treated her as though she was. add to that being a perfectionist and she felt overwheming pressure to never have trouble and an amazing amount of guilt that she actually had struggles inside.

somehow, i have contributed to her feeling this way. i think that i tend to keep my doubts inside. also, i realize know that i always listened, but got teary and sad very quickly when she tried to share any doubts that related to our marriage.

anyway, there is obviously a long road ahead to learn how to communicate and care for each other's REAL needs, but we will be doing it together...

thanks to all. and praise to God, for through this struggle, he has brought me to a deeper and more faith-filled relationship with him. i feel certain that, although she is still facing doubts about His goodness and providence, my wife will experience the same.

"I (Jesus) have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33

amen!