I have been having major doubts about whether or not I even want my H back. The pain of his continued A is making me hate him. The reality of his constant rejection makes me wonder if it is worth trying to reconcile. He is a liar. I don't believe a word he says anymore. He spent this past weekend camping with the OW in the place that we camped for the last 10 years. With all of our friends. Almost like he was showing her off...like he wants everyone to know he's with her now. I am so angry and resentful. I feel like I've been such a fool. How could I have ever let him do this to me? How could I ever expect to trust him again? I know he won't go to counseling. So, what's the point? I think it's time to go to plan B. I know it's early, it's only been a little over 2 months, but I can't take it anymore. I have to protect myself, and I can't do that if I let myself be sweet talked by him.

I just don't get it that he won't let me go if that's what he wants. Why does he continue to keep me hanging on?

My thoughts have now turned from trying to figure out how to forgive and be loving, to revengeful and resentful thoughts. I picture myself confronting the OW and punching her. I see myself slapping him across the face and walking out of his life forever. I am not a violent person...I am a nurse...it's not my nature to physically fight. But I am so full of hatred and anger right now, that I can't find the love I know must still be there for my H.

I am seriously considering filing for the D. I am exhausted. I am tired of the consuming thoughts of him and her and what they are doing, and what he is doing to me, and the memories of us. Not that filing will end those thoughts, but it would put closure to this fight. And then maybe I can move on.

I've posted before about God's will. And Mortarman replied with an awesome post. But I wonder if I am trying to manipulate God's will to be mine. In other words, maybe I was wanting reconciliation so badly that I was seeing my will as God's will.

Oh, Lord, I am so confused. I wish I could just turn off my brain for awhile. Even sleep offers no relief as I see my H there also in my dreams.

How do I get rid of the anger and hatred and bitterness? I think I already know the answer...patience, faith in God, and prayer.

Ok, sorry so long...just needed to vent.

DH,

In my opinion it's time to go to planB. You need to take this time to work on yourself. You need to do things you enjoy doing, be with people you enjoy being with. Don't give into the bitterness and the resentment because all it will do is bring you down and make you a unhappy and bitter person. I would send the no contact letter and move on with your life for now. You can't change him or the situation but you can change yourself. Believe me the pain will get better with time and then one day you will realize that it is just a little sore spot in the back of your mind. It takes time and alot of energy but it will get there.

Try to not dwell on him and her and what they are doing. If you start thinking about it force yourself to think about something else.

If I can be of any help to you please feel free to e-mail me.

www.jillie_bean_36@hotmail.com

Jill

I had the same violent fantasies. When I turfed H out, they subsided considerably. Some form of Plan B helps you regain your sanity. I have limited contact with H, but mostly it's no contact. I'm told this is not a true Plan B, but it has helped me feel more normal again. I couldn't handle the lying.

Deeplyhurting,

You definitely need to protect yourself. Plan B is the answer. You will not find any peace until you remove yourself from the constant assault on your emotions that any contact with this person brings to you.

Your sig line says separated 6/03. What happened? Did he just move out? Sweetie, you definitely need to write him a Plan B letter. Two months of this insanity would make anyone feel what you are feeling.

Now, after you write the letter, you will likely feel worse. But it will not last long. It will feel like you have driven a permanent wedge between your H and yourself and that you are giving him permission to continue the A. But hang on and ride it out. Don't give in to the temptation to contact him, to reassure him that you love him. That was all taken care of in the letter. Remember, it is a love letter. It is about your love for him. If you need help with the letters, many folks here have some great ones.

Now after the short, hellish ride I described above, you will come, very gradually, to a more peaceful period. The emotional roller coaster ride will level off. You will have fewer mental pictures of them together. Your remaining love for your H will automatically be locked away in a safe place in your heart. You will be in a very secure place.

I like to think that Plan B is a shelter. It is a place for BS'ers to live that protects them from the emotional abuse of their WS's. In that shelter, we meet others who are enduring the same thing, and we gain strength from that fraternity.

We are all here for you and for each other. Let me know if you need help with the Plan B letter, and I'll get star*fish to forward you her sample letters. They will give you the ammo you need to write your own.

I say don't even think about divorce now. Someone on this board says, "You have the rest of your life to divorce. You have right now to save your marriage." Work on the M first, give it all you've got; then if it still doesn't work, divorce is the final solution.

You are also welcome to come over to the thread I started on Plan B support.

Take care, and be strong.

Deeply Hurting -

You sound like you're in a very difficult place right now, and I understand that all too well. A couple of questions for you, though.

First, have you done all the things you should do while in Plan A?

- Told your husband (CALMLY) how you feel and asked him to end it?

- Exposed the affair (LOVINGLY) to the people you know and care about, and asked for their help?

- Eliminated LBs and tried to meet needs?

- Planned for Plan B? In detail? (If you haven't, I've got a spreadsheet that lays much of it out...)

If you have done all these things, and you know you're ready for Plan B, then go for it. The recommended time frame for a woman in Plan A is only 3 months, and you're two thirds of the way through that. Get yourself ready for Plan B and then implement. Calmly, coolly, and without screaming fits where anyone can see you.

I would greatly appreciate any help on Plan B letters. I told my H that is was over today. That we are over. I didn't tell him I loved him or that I wanted to continue to work on our marriage. I said, you don't even care that you've lost me, and he said yeah, I do. But the OW was there and I know he couldn't elaborate.

I definately think Plan B is now. I can't take the emotional abuse and mental anguish anymore. I have to start taking care of myself now. And contact with him is not helping. I am constantly waiting for him to call. Hoping he will call.

Please, J of HJK and ISGirl, send me whatever you have on Plan B writing. I need to do this.

I would greatly appreciate any help on Plan B letters. I told my H that is was over today. That we are over. I didn't tell him I loved him or that I wanted to continue to work on our marriage.
Plan B is not about ending the marriage or not loving your spouse.

Do you want to save your marriage? If your answer is yes, then it is time for Plan B.

BTW, I left my H because of other problems we were having. We had grown apart emotionally. I believe he was seeing the OW before I left, because he "asked her out" the day I left, and within a week of my leaving he made his A open to everyone. He blames me for his A because I left him. I have told him how I feel about it, I have asked him to end it so we can work on us, that we can't work on us with her in the picture. He has plainly told me no. That he can't hurt her, but I have hurt him, so it's ok that he's hurting me now. He's continued to tell me he loves me and that he'll always love me, and that he doesn't know what he wants right now. He tells me that he doesn't want a divorce, that we need to just wait and see what happens. I think he is waiting for his A to die a natural death, and then he'll come running back to me. Well, I don't want that. If he doesn' think I am worth fighting for now, then he doesn't love me enough. Not the way I love him.

So....Plan B time. Because the love I do have is being smothered by the hurt, bitterness, and hatred I am beginning to feel.

Chris,

I do love my H! I do want my M to work! I guess I was trying to get a response from him by telling him we were through. He said "alright." I said, you don't even care that you've lost me, and he said, "yeah, I do."

I just can't do this anymore. It's killing me. I've lost 20 pounds, I can't sleep, and I rely on pills to get me through my day. He is not willing to end his A and fight for me, so why am I putting myself through all of this? He is not worth risking my health.

Plan B ..... you are soooo "ripe" to do an effective Plan B.

Get your letter started. Have Chris look it over and do a critique. Plan B is for YOUR protection.

Get started.

Plan B ..... we'll support you during this awful time.

How is your 13-year-old doing? 13 is such a vulnerable age ..... so hard to be going through all this family change and turmoil at age 13.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Here is a link to star*fish's Plan B letter samples that she posted. Go thru them all, find things that sound like you. Use them for guidance, then write it in your own words.

You may wish to post it here, so that the vets can give you advice on things to add, delete, etc.

Good luck, DH, we are here for you!

Sample Plan B Letters

Thanks Pep, and Chris or anyone else, if you can give me some good guidelines on a Plan B letter, I'd appreciate it. Keep in mind that I do have to have some contact because my S stays at his house 2 nights a week while I work, so he can go to school from his house.

My S is holding up fairly well. He is supportive of me, although I am afraid he is building up some negative feelings for my H because he sees my pain. It's hard to keep it from him. We are together most of the time. But so far he is hanging in there. 13 is such a difficult age anyway without all this drama added to it.

Well .... you cannot keep the truth from a 13-year-old! They're pretty smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Might as well have some heart-to-heart talks with him. Allow your son to have his voice heard. They often feel so helpless when their parents' lives are off course.... and, sadly, they often feel as if they could have prevented the problem "If only I had been a better / easier / nicer / smarter kid ...... then this wouldn't have happened to my family."

Alert his teachers and school counselor that there is major stuff going on at home. They can keep a protective eye on him when he's in their care. I did this during our recovery ... and the teachers were grateful to be informed, and were very loving to our kids.

There is a thread by Spacecase with sample Plan B letters. i'll try to find it.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks, Pep. I never even thought about letting the school in on this. That's a great idea! Thanks again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Found Spacecase's Plan B thread. Take a look at the samples. Make changes to fit your circumstances.

Also .... let the Grandparents in on your boy's struggles.

Grandparents can be a very healing source of comfort for the teens. Their connection is different than that with parents. Sometimes the teens can be more honest about their feelings with Grandparents, partly because their relationship is "safer" where they don't worry so much about betraying the other parent.

Kids are soooo in the middle. Truely the most innocent .... who carry so much collateral damage.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep,

I put a link in (my post above) to some other sample letters too. Hopefully all this info will help her.

I wish I had something better to offer but the others seem to be right on with the Plan B suggestion.

My WW kind of reveresed Plan B on me 3 months ago by telling me she needed time and space.

You're Plan B will be tough but I can tell you that over time it does get better. And it will also give you the strength and some clearity as to what you want going forward.

opps forgot something,

I'm also beginning to feel angry towards my WW and OM.

I'm trying to control the anger but at times all I want to do is tell her to go to hell and I hope some day she's betrayed by someone she loves.

So what your feeling is normal is all I'm trying to add.

deeplyhurting. what you feel is normal if you read many of the other betrayed spouses.
Like you, I've always been a caring person, but the hatred and bitterness does cause us to think some really scary thoughts. As my psychiatrist said, that is ok, just don't act on them!
Of course, I know it's against our Lord to have those thoughts, for those of us who are Christians or any other faith that teaches forgiveness. But it's a lot easier said than done!
I'm still carrying a lot two years later! It's like acid in a cup, it eats the container before it touches anything else.
Our health is more important. I lost 2 lbs a day before, got very ill, had a heart attack from anorexia.
Start helping yourself as the thoughts come by immediately saying STOP even out loud to youself.
Tell yourself all your good qualities. Leave notes to yourself everywhere in house praising your qualities!
Our self esteem suffers greatly, and the more suffering, the more we want to hurt someone! Like using them as a punching bag!
I think we allow this to hurt so much because we loved and trusted our spouses more than ourselves.
It took a while, and I can't say I'm all the way there, but after God, I am learning to love me next in line! NOT SPOUSE!
Gaining a new attitude of self respect is most important. Thinking of yourself, your health and taking care of you first is priority!
While we love our spouses and want them in our lives, I've finally reached the point where I can truly say I can live without you man!
They basically said that to us when they entered an A. So it's time we all learned that no one is worth the suffering that brings on health problems.
As I said, I'm not all the way there yet. But a lot better by standing up for me!Demanding the respect I deserve. And letting it be known I can go on if H isn't there for me!
Sometimes what we need most from them is what we're never going to get.
Learning how to deal with that knowledge has helped me a great deal. And helped me to stop loving to the point of destruction.
YES, WE CAN LOVE TOO MUCH! And that's when they start to take us for granted.
Work on letting go one step at time.
What works for one may not work for another. But instead of being so loving and doting, it's more about just showing a respect as I would for a friend I wasn't so involved in personal life.
I think of myself as groveling before. And I'm not about to grovel ever again!
God said, "Be still and know that I am God".
Hope this is something you can do. When they start to hurt us spiritually, that's the end of enough. US love to play the guilt transferrence game. Bat it right back to their corner!
LouLou

Deeply, I too felt that absolute rage inside of me. I still have little twinges of it.

You say you understand you need time and patients to heal from this and you're right.

Think of your recovery from the A as someone who just had open heart surgery. It's going to take a while for them to build up stamina again. It's going to take a while for the actual chest wound to heal. It's not something that is going to go away in a few months.

I understand the dreams. I was haunted by dreams of WH and OW as well (even though I never saw her, my brain formed what she may have looked like, I suppose). I would go to sleep with tormenting throughts of the A, sleep with tormenting throughts of the A, and wake up to them. I was CONSUMED by it! Every cell in my body was eaten with it.

But then I started stepping back. I had been trying to do some sort of halfassed Plan A for a while. I would plan A, get no response, not feel good, I didn't truly understand Plan A. I was doing the misinterperted version of it.

Anyways, I stopped doing it. We're now coexisting in the same house, we're still sleeping together (in bed and SF lol), but I do not feel the same way towards him. I want to rip his face off still when I think of the A.

But at the same time, I've also decided, "SCREW HIM AND HIS ISSUES! IT'S ME TIME!"

I'll stay here and let him go through whatever his problem is until he stops being an emotional retard and learns how to cope with this how it SHOULD be dealt with. We're going to go to MC, maybe they can do something there. I don't know, and to be honest, I don't have much hope in it making a profound difference in our "recovery".

But I do want to mention to you that this is like, textbook stuff the BS feels. You're 100% normal for feeling like this! If you could try to stick it out for another few months to just see if it goes away, that would be wonderful! You never know, in another month, you might do like I have and be able to seperate yourself from it and grow stronger within yourself. You might just be able to pull the whole recovery off if you can just wait out these feelings you're having. I can tell you with absolute certainty that they do fade as the days go on. The pain is still there for me @ this point. The anger is still there right now. But it's not consuming me as it was a month or two ago.

This stuff sucks BAD, but try to keep chugging along and avoid filing for D just yet. If you filed for a D now, you might wake up six months from now and have stepped off of the rollercoaster for a bit. You might realize that you're stronger and more willfull than you're giving yourself credit for right now.

But also, if you find at some point that you absolutely cannot stand the man and you're too bitter and angry to go on, then by all means, you're fully entitled to move on. Don't stay there and be a masochist either lol.

Take care. I'm sorry you're feeling this pain. This rage is just pain that's twisted you into a million knots. They really will loosen with time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme