Hello All,

Truly Madly Deeply here,

I thought it was time to retire the old thread and begin taking some of those steps on my journey.

ARK - I understand that I should not expect anything other than what I've dished out to my wife and maybe worse. It doesn't change the shock of hearing her say some of the things she's saying now.

Yeah... I'm hearing defense mechanisms for sure. She told me Monday night that "for what it's worth, you ended our relationship in that letter you wrote to me before you engaged her physically." Eeesh! And I'm thinking HUH?

She's trying in her own kinda whacky way, I think, to help unload some of the guilt. The reality is that it's making it worse. uggh!

She told me late last night as I was heading to bed to go up and grab a CD she'd laid out for me on the table. It was a hypnosis CD that was Titled: Depression; Guilt; Pain.

I'm seeing her efforts... oddly... I'm aware now, in a distant and detached frame of mind, that I'm constructing defenses in response.

I looked at her while at dinner and I searched for the feelings. I see her beauty. I can smile at some of the things she says. I just can't find the love.

Furthermore - I had setled into a bedtime routine while out of the house that included a 'ritual' the OW participated in nightly when all other forms of contact were unavailable. Nothing sexual - just a thing that made us feel closer over a distance. Stopping that has been hard. Dumping those feelings and routines are what is getting in the way of finding room for my W. I know this. Doesn't make it any easier. One step at a time right?

I know this is stuff you've probably all heard before. I just need to get it out of my system. My wife says to talk to her. When I do... I see a sick look come over her. It makes me... I don't know... ummmn... it makes me feel like even more of a degenerate.

Pep - Thanks for what you said in - Chak's Thread -

Shelle - Thanks for your words of encouragement and for sticking through this thing so far. And BTW - the meds are not the regimine type. LORAZAPAM... a sedative... a take-it-when-you need-it med.

2Long - It was nice 2 hear from you. I hope the tone has changed enough 2 make this new thread moderately palletable 2 you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm dropping MB for a few days. I have much to readjust in my life. Finances went to shambles during this thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'll be in touch.

You all take care -

-TMD