Hi always...as a FWW, I'll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. I'm not an expert, but I have personally experienced the infamous Fog in a major way.
1. Symptoms felt by WS--Symptoms...hmmm. Well, for me the "fog" was the belief that I was in love with the OM, that he was my soulmate, and that I needed to leave my husband and end my marriage so I could marry the OM. The "fog" was the belief that what the OM and I had was something special, something unique...when in fact it was both a sin and a cliche. It was a big, fat illusion.
I was still in the fog on D-Day and afterwards, even though I immediately recognized that the EA was over and I had to start working on repairing and restoring my marriage. I was going through the motions of doing this because I was still fogbound and thinking I would love the OM forever. As I've recounted elsewhere here, going through the motions was actually a good thing, because eventually it became real.
So, symptoms of fog? Sadness. Crying. Depression. Grieving the loss of the OP. Acting distracted. My H and my sisters tell me they would often catch me with a far-off look on my face. Most of the time I tried to hide these symptoms from my H, and act like everything was fine...but it was as if he could read my mind.
2. Actions taken by WS (both toward OP and BS)--Part of my fog, early on, was to secretly try to reinitiate contact with the OM. I had actually re-initiated it and my H discovered it, and as I've retold earlier, all hell broke loose. He made it clear that any further breaking of NC would mean the end of our marriage. I took that seriously, and have not violated NC since then (about two weeks post-D-Day).
Toward the BS...early on, the fog made me blame my H for the EA. I dredged up every mean and uncaring thing he'd ever done to me, to justify my actions. I actually told him if he had been there for me emotionally, the EA would not have happened. I may have even said, "This is all your fault." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I also did not want to talk about the EA. I didn't want to give him the details he wanted. I was insensitive, at times, to his pain. I wanted him to just "get over it."
I was trying hard to meet his EN's, even though I hadn't heard of MB yet.
But I did not have a clear understanding of the extent of his pain until I came to the MB site. It was reading the material on this site, and reading posts written by BS's, that really made me understand the pain I had caused...and it was straight talk from BS's here that helped lift the fog.
3. Average time it takes for fog to be lifted--I don't know if there is such a thing as an average time. Also, I believe there's a slight difference between "fog" and "withdrawal." I still suffered withdrawal for months after the fog was lifted. I was no longer in the dark about my actions or my H's pain, and I no longer believed the fairy tale that the OM and I had spun together...but I still had times of missing the OM. He had been my friend for two years.
4. Feelings felt by WS for OP and BS--During the fog, I still strongly believed I was in love with the OM. I also loved my H, but I believed I didn't love him as much, or the same, as I loved the OM.
During the fog, there were also times of resenting my H. I sometimes saw him as the meanie who was keeping me away from the person I thought was my soulmate.
Oh yeah...the "soulmate" thing is a big part of the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
At other times, even during the fog, I would feel great tenderness toward my H, and I certainly was sorry for the pain I was causing him. Sex was always great, even during the EA, believe it or not. I was somehow able to separate sex with my H from feelings for the OM. Hard to understand, but true. During the fog, sex with my H never suffered.
5. In touch with reality vs. fantasy and illusion--During the fog, as I said earlier, I was still believing the fantasy...the fairy tale. And I was mourning its loss.
6. Anything the BS can do to help lift the fog--I don't know if my H really did anything that helped to lift the fog. In my case, I credit this site as being the number one thing that lifted my fog. STRAIGHT TALK about infidelity, its consequences, the pain it causes the BS. Even somewhat harsh posts from BS's that told me I needed to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about my H. Those were the things that helped me most of all. Reading books and articles that were factual and realistic about A's.
One of the big fog-lifters is when you realize that what you and the OP had was NOT something special and wonderful...it was a sin, a damaging and destructive illusion, and it is not unique, it happens to people
all the time. And it's sad, and tragic, and catastrophic, not beautiful. And if God had really wanted the OM to be my soulmate, He would have put me with him to begin with.
It also helps when you take a good, hard look at the OP (mentally, not in reality.) Ask yourself some questions. Why did the OP pursue me? Why did the OP break his/her own marriage vows and risk hurting his/her S and destroying his/her own marriage? What kind of character does this person have? Is he/she inherently weak? Maybe even a really bad person...a person who habitually uses or preys on vulnerable people?
I had to examine the OM mentally, stripping away all the romantic notions I had built around him. When all of that was out of the way, I saw a weak man with a basic lack of character...a man with deep-seated problems in several areas. He did not
begin to measure up to my own H.
7. How the WS can tell if they are in the fog--Quite frankly, I didn't realize I was in a fog until I read about the fog on this site. No doubt about it...it IS real!
8. How WS and BS go about things once the fog does lift--Once the fog lifts, real recovery can begin in a major way. As I said, I had already started going through the motions. Once the fog lifted, I could go forward with recovery whole-heartedly and enthusiastically.
I have a little theory that I need to mention, though. At almost a year to the day past D-Day, I believe that it's possible for little wisps of fog to slip back in at times. I've found that when I'm already down about things, or hormonal, or my H is being a jerk, (as all spouses can be at times!) I will be blindsided by fond or sad thoughts about the OM. When that happens, I make a conscious choice to do several things that help me
not wallow in it.
I believe a WS should have a mantra:
It's all about my spouse. Focusing on my H, actively doing things for my H, showing him love, meeting his needs, depositing units in his love bank...these are the best ways to insure that wisps of fog don't sneak up on me.
When I was in the throes of the fog, I didn't see my H clearly. I look at him now and think how handsome he is, how sexy he is. I didn't think about that in the fog. All I could think about was the OM.
I hope this was helpful to you in some way. Feel free to ask me any questions.
