For those who don't know me my story can be found here

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html

I see so many posts saying I just can't seem to forgive him/her/them/myself. So I thought I would share my opinion/view of it.

Forgiving is a choice, it is also a process. A two steps forward one back type thing IMHO.

You want to forgive and beat yourself up when one of *those* memories pops up and you feel your anger/pain start to rise all over again.

Well STOP that ! Stop beating yourself up. I said before that I believe that forgiving is a process. When the memories bring the feelings back, just accept that you feel those things and then remind yourself that you have decided to forgive.

I had to do this it seemed like a million times a day at first, but the memories/feelings stopped cominfg as often with time and with each reminder that I had chosen to forgive.

It's a journey, a walk, a way of life if you will. But it can happen, one day those memories will pop up and you will be shocked to find that they no longer stir up that anger/pain.

That day you will realize that you are free.

So is this about forgiving FWS or the op? Please clarify.

Just want you to know I have forgiven the FWS, but have found myself full or hate and angst toward fow in the month following 3 year anniversay of D-Day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

FYI; this came out of the blue, I have woken up with these feelings lately.

Perhaps misplaced anger.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Thanks Bozo. Will try.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Miss M:
<strong>So is this about forgiving FWS or the op? Please clarify.

Just want you to know I have forgiven the FWS, but have found myself full or hate and angst toward fow in the month following 3 year anniversay of D-Day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

FYI; this came out of the blue, I have woken up with these feelings lately.

Perhaps misplaced anger.

Love in Christ,
Miss M</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah Miss M, that is the question isn't it? IMHO we have to let go of our anger at the OP too.

Again this is nothing but my own opinion, but if you hold that anger it only gives OP place in your mind and heart. It's just not good for you ! But remember this just because you forgive and release that anger does not mean you have to be friends with OP or anything like that.

I have not seen or spoken to OW since D-day, if I do I know I will have to pray hard for strenght to just walk away. I only think of her when I have a trigger and since I am 5 years past d-day the triggers come way less often.

Make OW a non enity, she doesn't matter or count enough in your world to waste time being angry with. Also Christ forgave us all and as bad as it has galled me and as bad as I wanted to do really nasty things to OW in my case I had to let go of it. Jesus died for her sins too, so who am I to put myself above him ?

I promise Miss M this isn't something that just hit me like a bolt of lightening, I don't claim to have any special wisdom, just what has worked for me over time. MUCH time.

I think it was Dawnetta/Butterfly who had the sig line

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

Hey Deb!

Just saw this and wanted to pop in and say "HI!" It's good to see you here!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Deb,

Just like Mitzi, G and I wanted to say HI!!!

Always good to hear from you, where ya been?

Hey Mitzi, glad you po-ped in to say hi. By the sig line I see you are doing well !

Medic ! Where were you when I needed you a year ago ? I had surgery and being a diabetic when the staples were removed my whole tummy opened up. Poor Bozo had to learn to do wet to dry packing all by his little self. As you can tell I survived it. He was a wonderful nurse. I hope you are doing well too.

Bozos_Deb,

Sorry I have taken so long to reply. I will only say that I work a lot of long hours, only 10 today. This is my Friday.

I know what you are talking about. I always think I have it bad and then I read some other people's posts. And I read your background. WOW!!! What else can I say?

I just don't know quite what to do when I wake up with these thoughts. Believe me, I decided that God needed me to pray for xow, and I have.
I do not want to, but the Lord has called me to do this. Pray for those who persecute you,
etc.

Thank you so much for your reply, it meant everything to me. I have never posted my story. I just have tried to help a couple of people here.

Am under a lot of stress and thank you so much for telling me that as time goes on it will get much better. You have been thru so much more than I and I thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

As I am replying (sp?) to you my H has gone to the store and gotten dinner and is cooking for me. He is great. (I am a waitress
How wonderful is that???

So why do you wake up feeling all this? My H, at this point is every thing I have ever dreamed of having. So what is up with that?

Thanks so much.
I want so much to forgive. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Miss M, believe it or not this is normal. Getting past an affair is a long drawn out thing as you well know. This is just another part of the journey.

Have you ever spoken with ow ? Told her how you feel ? I am NOT going to suggest you do so, in fact I suggest you don't. BUT it might be helpful to you to write down everything you feel, think, or might ever want to say to her. Write it all down, get it out (we tend to hold so much inside and it eats at us) then take what you have written outside and burn it. You may have to do it a hundred times but it might help you, it did me.

It is easier for us to forgive our spouse because we love them. That bond is already there, after an affair it has to be repaired but it is there. Thankfully there are few people who have a bond with the op their spouse is involved with but it does happen sadly, I have seen stories on this board where the op was a close friend or even relative of the betrayed spouse.

All I can tell you is that you are normal, you seem to be rebuilding your marriage pretty well from your reply. Stop beating yourself up.

Keep doing what you are doing, if the Lord leads you to pray for her (I hate when He does that) and you are doing it then trust that you are doing all you can.

Please take care of you, and props to hubby for cooking dinner for you too !

Hey Deb!!!,

I was here, it's just that G was making me do stuff to the house to make it nice and wouldn't let me visit here as often as I wanted. [ So, it's her fault <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ] Hey, sorry about the surgery, but, hey, Bozo was helping out, that's a good thing. Not so good about you intestines hanging out, that's just icky. I've seen that before.

One ?, did he look good in the nurses uniform? Man, that cute hat, the tight fitting uniform, and the... ok... gotta go...

We couldn't be doing better, thanks for asking. OK, it's a little hectic with the dance, G scouts, B scouts, piano, soccer and band, but, we're doing great. That is until chess season starts. I hate doing the 10 mile runs with Ian every day, then there is the push-ups and pull-ups, what ya gotta do for chess and I'm right there. It's tough for an old guy like me.

Hope you and yours are well,

Once again, the Village Idiot comes alive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Deb,

Thank you once again for your response to me, I really appreciate this.

Anyway, there is this part of me that really does not want to write that letter and go thru all that happened and relive that pain. It is hard enough to have the memory triggers and I don't know if I could write it all out without falling apart again.

I have a book by Charles Stanley, called "The Gift of Forgiveness". He suggests that you sit in one chair and have another chair opposite, even if it is empty and you tell the person that you need to forgive all the hurt and pain they have caused you and tell them you forgive them.

I don't know why I have not been able to do this or write a letter. My therapist suggested 2 years ago that I could write a letter to ow descibing my pain, hurt and anger, but never, ever to send it. This ow stalked me in a passive/aggressive way for 4 months after NC with FWS.

Should I just bite the bullet and do this thing? I know it will be painful, and somehow I haven't been able to face this. Do you think it would help me to get it all out and get to forgiveness? This is SO hard. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thank you for any advice you have for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M