My 9 1/2 year old son came to me tonight and opened up that he had found something he shouldn't have. Well, he found a box of sex toys that my H and I use from time to time and have kept under the bed in a flat cardboard box, covered up with a towel. They've had that hiding spot for over three years now...I suppose we've been lucky they haven't been discovered until now. (I've since removed them to a far more secure altho not so handy spot)

Anyway - my son was very upset - he said it made him feel yuckky and disgusted and he was in tears. He can't explain why. So,my H and I said that there's nothing bad about what he found, and I told my son to trust me that it is something we can explain to him later and that we will. I asked him if he would feel better if I got rid of them. He said yes, so I promised him that they would be gone. I told him I was so proud he came to me and could tell me what had happened - even tho he had been holding on to his secret for a couple of weeks.

Okay - so now what? I tend to obsess about things and now am so concerned that our son has been traumatized. My thoughts are just to not discuss it anymore - unless my son brings it up again. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
A slightly embarrassed Alberta.

Alberta,

#1. Does your son expect to have privacy, I know only 9 1/2, but seriously, you have a right to privacy.

#2. What was son doing looking under your bed in your room? I see boundaries needing to be set.

#3. Adult toys should not be 'gone', but relocated. Perhaps on a regular basis, if son is going to go snooping in your room.

#4. Kudo's to your son for coming clean and letting you know this bothered him. It should, and he is not old enough to rationalize what he discovered. Your "toys" are your business and no one elses.

#5. I suggest a lock box. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JMVHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

First of all, I agree with Miss M on many points.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm just going to be very direct and honest .

As far as your son having privacy, I do agree that children need privacy to a degree. However, I think as parents it's okay to not expect them to have the privacy that we should have. We are the adults. They are minors, and they're our responsibility. They don't have the same rights that we do, as adults, when it comes to privacy in certain areas. They need our protection and guidance.

Miss M is right. Your son should not be snooping around in your bedroom. Boundaries, please! I've always had a very comfortable, friendly home but I never allowed my children to hang out in my bedroom, unless we were in there together talking.

I would have told him it was unacceptable for him to be looking around in my bedroom. I wouldn't have told him you'd explain it to him later. Hopefully he'll never bring it up again. If he does, I'd say, "That stuff was none of your concern." Say it like you mean it, and with conviction. Then I'd promptly change the subject, and move on.

It's great he came to you. IT's good that his snooping bothered him. She's so right, it's your business and no one elses business as far as what you have in your boudoir. CERTAINLY NOT YOUR NINE YEAR OLD SON's business.

This is the part that bothered me IMMENSELY...

YOu said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked him if he would feel better if I got rid of them. He said yes, so I promised him that they would be gone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That, to me, was a large mistake. I wouldn't have asked him that at all. You are the parent. You treated him as if he were YOUR boss, or parent.

You promised him that they'd be gone? It's none of his business in the first place. They're your things, and have nothing to do with him. Why should he dictate whether you have them or not?

You've given your son far too much power by making him a promise that since he didn't like it, they'd be gone. It's not good for children to feel this sort of power over their parents. It makes them feel confused inside, as they truly want limits and boundaries. They don't like having this sort of power, deep down. I'm really baffled by it. Do you always do what he wants if he 'feels' a certain way?

I know you didn't actually get rid of them, but you've made your son feel as if he has that sort of power.

I'm glad you've MOVED them to a better place. I HOPE that they're now locked up very securely.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that it was very careless to have them lying under your bed like they were, even though they were covered with a towel.
EDited to add: Quit obsessing over this, really now. It's done, and you haven't traumatized him by him seeing the toys. The worse thing to me was the power you gave him in the whole thing. Let it go, and forget it happened. (And keep them locked up!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
HP

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Its important that you did indeed stress how proud you are that your son came and talked to you. This ability to talk will be invaluable down the road when smoking, drugs, drinking, sex etc etc become issues for him as a teen.

That being said I agree with the others he needs to respect privacy issues. It could have just as easily have been a gun-loaded or not-placed beneath the bed or in a night stand for security purposes. So he needs to understand that there are boundaries.

Thanks for all the wise advice.
I did actually ask him why he was looking there, he said he picked up a magazine off the floor and saw the box. I told him first off, he shouldn't be in our room. We did clear that up right away. He knows it was wrong to be looking somewhere he shouldn't. (Maybe that was what was bothering him the most?)

In hindsight, yes it was wrong to promise to get rid of them, but in the moment when he was crying and so upset about them being there, I just wanted to ease his angst. I now see that just setting the boundaries would have been a better choice. (Dang) They are now in a secure safe place, but I hoped it would ease his mind that these "things" weren't under my bed.

I think it is forgotten now, and I won't mention it again. If it DOES ever come up again, I'll just state that he's not to be in our room alone again. Period. Them's da rules.

Thanks for all your wise words folks....
being a parent is tough....

Hugs
Alberta

Don't bring it up unless he does. Since it made him feel yucky, he obviously knows a lot more than you're giving him credit for.
Secondly, LOCKS ON your bedroom door. He has no business snooping under your bed, in your bed or anywhere near your bedroom!
He may not ask about locks, but if he does, tell him to protect your privacy because he has no business going there. Or taking his friends which wouldn't be a surprise!
You obviously have other things children should not be privy too, such as your jewelery, clothes, etc.
LouLou

I would have lied. Ok, soft peddled, not told the entire truth. I have raised sons, and have often thought what would happen if they were privy to our sex life.

Just as a child should know where babies come from, and I have never done anything more than explain in age-appropriate language the workings of human reproduction. And now as they are almost adults I have allowed them to grasp and celebrate the depth of passion that sex offers...I have never allowed them a glance into things that would make them feel uncomfortable.

We know from reading here that there are many grown-ups that cannot comprehend the "joy of the toy." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We have a cache of such things. We have a locked box. Key's handy, DustDawg wears it on his collar. Why?...a close call. Some years ago I thought the nightstand was broached, by a son looking for a flashlight he was told to fetch. My evil mother mind came up with a fairy story...one like you would tell a child that age that asked what an "abortion" was, or why Uncle Bill lives with a man? Not anything that would cause them to look beyond what they could grasp.

I was going to tell him we "found" it, at the cabin and were going to use the batteries for the flashlight. "Wasn't it a massage thingie?"
Happily he fetched the flashlight from the pantry. Hence the safety lock box...rather good size one I might add? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't think I have damaged my children too much, as now the oldest, reminds me of a time when as a boy he had asked during a TV sex scene, "mom, is that man hurting her?"...I had said, (after thinking that "orgasm" was too complex a concept for a boy who's only "o" word was "Oreo")..."I don't know, let's change the channel." I laughingly confessed to him later what he had said and how I had answered. Now, every chance he gets, this man relishes seeing any sort of sex scene on TV to call out..."hey mommie, is that man hurting her?"...and we all laugh!

Alberta, if you are still worried about this, contact an expert. Set up an appointment with a counselor...they are trained to help us when even the best o'parents come across new ground. They might be able to speak to your son and share that what he saw and feels is normal, sometimes just having someone else tell a child what "normal" is is very comforting to them.

Psssst...remember, BIG lockable box! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lock the door

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good", says the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. " Oh no, " she thought, I'm not gonna like this. " Little Johnny, which part of the body goes to heaven first?" she asked.

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, " Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, " Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my Mom had her feet up in the air and she said, " Oh God, I'm coming!", but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks for the laugh Chris!!
Actually we do lock the door - when we go to bed. My son can easily unlock it tho as it is one of those kinds that doesn't need a key - and he sometimes does unlock it in the morning if he's up earlier than us and wants to jump on the bed and wake us up!!(little rotter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) AT any rate, I'm sure if I kept it locked it would be a deterrent.

Big fat lesson learned here!!