LocalBoy:

First let me apologize for having missed your thread earlier. Life some times intervenes, and you aren’t able to respond to all those you’d wish to. On the hope that you’re still lurking somewhere, I wanted to post this, because some of the (little) you said on your thread reminded me so much of myself, and I thought maybe I could help you in your search.

Just to give you some background, I’m a thirty-ish male living in an eastern city who has been married for the last seven years to a woman I met in college, over fourteen years ago. About three years ago, I had a one night stand with a much younger woman that I had met at first on the internet. We had been having an e-mail/phone “friendship” for about two years before that. We e-mailed each other constantly during the day, perhaps dozens of times. Our “conversation” was intimate from the start – about our sexual likes and dislikes, histories, etc. – but over time was also about more mundane, even silly stuff (“So what are you doing right now? Seen any good movies?”). At the time I would have probably called her my “best friend”, even though we met only a handful of times, and I told myself that what I was doing was all right, that I wasn’t cheating on my wife because there was nothing physical going on.

Except then there was.

While my wife was out of town tending to a sick relative, I met the woman for drinks and we ended up having sex in my apartment, in the bed I shared with my wife. I was pretty horrified pretty quickly, and, after a short internal struggle, ended up telling my wife about the encounter. I promised I wouldn’t’ speak to the woman again, and my wife and I have been “in recovery” as those on this board like to say, for the past three years.

In one of your first posts, you mentioned that you really wanted to understand why someone who really loved their wife would fool around on her (in your case, twice after being caught the first time). I really hope that’s true, that you do want to understand, because by doing so, you’ll make yourself a better person. I don’t know you, obviously, or what might have been driving your particular affair, but I can tell you about mine, and maybe you’ll see some parallels.

In my case, I was never someone who found it easy to make close friends, particularly in my line of work (many of my colleagues just sort of have a different mindset than I do). Although I probably didn’t realize it until I met this woman, I was desperately lonely.

Sure, I had my wife, but she had to love me. And I think I resented her for the time she always wanted to spend with me – my job was very demanding, and it seemed that between the job and my wife, each wanting a “piece” of me, there was never time just for me to do stuff that I enjoyed. Also, the other woman was, to put it nicely, completely screwed up. She was in her early twenties, which is a pretty confusing time for most people. And she had constant drama in her life between her family and an abusive sometimes-boyfriend. So while talking to her fulfilled my need for companionship during the day, it also filled a need to be, well, needed. I could be comforting and supporting and encouraging and it often seemed to help her (you know, until the next day, when she’d be a total mess again). Finally, she didn’t mind at all talking about sex, and because of my own peculiar internal weirdnesses, that was incredibly exciting. I fantasized about her constantly (although I obviously didn’t tell my wife or her that), so that when we finally had sex, it was almost easy. I’d mentally prepared myself for it over the course of two years.

Just from some of the comments you made on your first post, I got the impression that there was a little of that “father figure/protector” thing going on with you and your other woman. You seemed to be someone who comforted and encouraged her, and who felt the need to go to her when she experienced a death in the family. Having someone who isn’t that stable or together depend on you for emotional support can be kind of like a drug for some guys. It certainly was for me, and it sounds as though it may have been for you.

Of course, I’m sure you realize now that when you take that support and encouragement and cross a certain line, you end up not only taking away your support, but actively hurting them (and, more importantly, your wife) WAY more than you ever helped them. And in your case, you hurt both your wife and that other woman TWICE, after having full knowledge of the damage it could do. So maybe one of the things you could think about and work on is what it was about you that made you want to go help this woman so badly that you risked, and probably wrecked, your marriage. Why did you feel so strongly that you needed to help this woman? Did she make you feel needed in a way you didn’t by your spouse? Did you just like the sex? I know your initial reaction will be the one that most guys have, which is: “Uh, I dunno. It just happened.” But every time you find yourself saying that, stop yourself and push deeper. ‘Cause bud, this is just going to keep happening unless you sort out what it is about YOU that let it happen.

You also mentioned to someone who posted that they must not have very strong feelings about their other woman if they could just cut off all contact with them. Let me tell you a story. About a month after I told my other woman that I couldn’t talk to her anymore, I got an e-mail from her. She was pregnant. And, in the course of finding that out, she also found out that she had an aggressive form of cancer, and would need an abortion, chemotherapy, and probably surgery. She told me because she thought I might be the father and might want to know. I think she also told me that because she was hoping for my support as she went through it. I was devastated, torn between sorrow for her, guilt that (although I know it was stupid) my actions must somehow have been responsible for her illness, etc. I did call her once or twice that day, and expressed those feelings.

I told my wife about this, and while she was disappointed that I had talked to her, she was genuinely shocked and felt for the woman. Obviously, she didn’t want me to keep in touch with her, but she suggested writing her a letter, telling her whatever I needed to tell her, and then telling her goodbye. So I did, with my wife’s help. Which is hard to believe because the letter started out as kind of a disguised love letter, and I can’t imagine how my wife managed to edit her husband’s letter to another woman. Gradually, though, it got better, and I finally sent the woman a letter apologizing for my actions, wishing her luck in the battle against the cancer, and telling her goodbye.

My point in this is just that, like you, I faced a situation in which the other person was in trouble, and hurting, and could have used my support. I did still have feelings for her at the time, and many might have viewed my response as heartless – I didn’t take her calls or respond to her e-mails and just sent her a letter telling her, basically, “good luck”. She was facing death. And yet, I KNOW that it was absolutely the right thing to do not to renew contact with her (beyond those one or two initial phone calls, which I know I shouldn’t have made). If I had, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t be married today. One of the things I think you need to realize, LocalBoy, is that everybody’s an adult. You’re only responsible for your family, not for anyone else’s. Yes, not coming to the aid of someone you’ve been “friends” with might strike you as heartless, or as denying your “feelings,” but precisely the problem with your affair is that you let your “feelings” run amok, with no control. Doing the right thing means making hard choices, even those that hurt others in the short run, when it’s the right thing to do in the long run. If you’d just avoided the other woman when you heard about her relative, you wouldn’t be in the pickle you’re in now, wouldn’t have hurt both your wife AND her again. Get it?

One last word, I guess. None of what you’re doing now – the thinking about the how’s and why’s of the affair, learning how to behave appropriately when confronted with chances to do the right thing despite your “feelings,” should be about trying to regain your wife. I don’t know anything about her, either, but whether she decides to come back to you, after a second betrayal, is entirely up to her. You shouldn’t even really ask her to (you’ve already put her through enough, don’t you think?). Rather, you should be working on you so that, whatever happens, you become a better person, one you’re more comfortable being and living with as you get older.

Anyway, I hope that some of this has been helpful, but even if not, know that I wish you well in your journey. You’ve done a bad thing (actually, a couple of bad things), but you can be a better person. You can learn from this and grow. And that’s got to be worth something. Take care.