Well it's been a while since I have posted. It seemed that my life was going great then here came a whammy.

Just to give a little background, 15 months ago I discovered my H had a brief A that resulted in me getting a STD. I have since dealt with that as best I could, forgave him, worked on the M, all the things that I should do to save the M.

As I posted prior, I started gambling over the internet, just out of curosity, I now think was my way of dealing with the A, I now had my own secret. I have always handled all the money in our household. My H and I both have good jobs and we have never not been able to pay our bills. In saying that I have had to be very creative with the finances and therefore we acquired bills that I did not share with my H. He never asked so I never told. Well all of a sudden he, after 20 years, started asking. Boy was I in trouble. I told him everything, we fought, etc.....

Somehow I now feel that I am a child, having to answer to every dollar. My H wants to pay every bill off fast. Don't get me wrong, I have always paid everything on time so that we have A+ credit. He was just furious with me that I did not tell him everything. I can see where this was wrong but I always felt that he would not worry if he did not know, so I dealt with it on my own.

The Whammy came when my 19 year old daughter confronted me one day revealing that she knew about the A and has been keeping this bottled up for the last 15 months. She also told me that she overheard my H and me talking and she heard the word gambling and now she thinks I have this huge problem.

I feel like the worst parent, my child, who has never given us problems, started rebeling at the age of 18. She said that the reason for this was discovering the A and not being able to talk about it. I guess that her thinking that I have a problem was her perfect time to release her anger.

I do feel sorry for my H because he now has to deal with his D knowing what he did. I would imagine that would be a huge burden. On the other hand I am doing cartwheels because I feel that him being exposed was his punishment. I never felt he never had any real punishment. Boy your daughter, who put you on a pedalstool, now thinks you betrayed not only her mother but herself also. What I punishment.

Should I feel guilty for these feelings?

Why not just explain to your D that, just as she reacted to the A by being rebellious, you acted out by gambling. Yours was a brief, short-term problem -- and you hope hers is also. It could draw you closer.

Let H deal with his own stuff about the A & D.

A.M.Martin,

When I was talking to my D this afternoon, she said that she felt that all of this was going to make us stronger as a family. I'm not sure why this is, but my conversation with her was about 45 minutes, yet my H only talked with her for 5. It seems to me that again, he has been let off the hook somehow. My D was able to vent all her emotions to me, therefore my H did not have to hear all of this.

Thank you for your reply

Why don't you encourage her to vent to your H? Same problem in this household -- my H, like the tap dancer in the Jules Feiffer cartoons, is always tap dancing away from the problems he creates. His son vented to me instead. If a real reconciliation is to occur, and her hope of a stronger family is to be realized, it might be good to encourage her to confront him, however much he attempts to avoid it.

Also, it might distribute some of the burden for communicating the pain caused. WSs tend to discount evidence from the BSs anyway. They hear too much of it, generally.

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

A.M.Martin,

When I told my H about my D's conversation, his first response was "It's none of her business" I just could not believe this. I told him that his A was her business in a big way. She felt as if she was betrayed as well.

I was so taken back when she said she knew about the A that I did not respond in a negative way towards my H. I really did not know what to say, I just let her talk. I felt that my H should have the responsibility of talking with her about this. She knows all to well how hurt I was, she saw this daily for a few months. I could not even enjoy our family vacation.

Like I said before, when he told me he only talked with her for 5 minutes I was furious. I did not let him know that but the same feelings came back (he's off the hook). He said to me that he would not bring this up to her again, he would let her bring it up.

After 15 months you would think I would not have to re-live this nightmare all over again.