Hi
Struggling tonight with a problem of my own making. When h left me he visited every saturday to see the children and in the early months we would all go out as a family. As time went on and there was no change in H's behaviour- in fact he moved in with OW but still wanted me as a friend i did a partial [plan B an stopped going out with the family. the children in the meantime had moaned at having to go out every w/e they wanted to spend their time with friends and with Dad in the background at home. To help the childrenw with all that was happening and because |I believe its their home as well as mine, I allowed H to stay here each satuday and would go out on my own for the day. After over a year of this I find myself dreading tomorrow. As yet I have made no plans and the feeling that I have to 'go' somewhere or else spend a day making chit chat with my ex is getting to me.

If i change this situation now after all this time its the children who will object and will moan all week about having to go with their dad- either to regularly spend w/e's 150 miles away at his new home or to be 'out' each saturday with him.

Any suggestions or comments??
Jante

<small>[ November 29, 2003, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hi J

I hope you had a good holiday.

Why don't you have a chat with X? Tell him that you were happy to help the situation along in the early days of your separation, but now with the DV Absolute (I guess it is, is it?), you feel that things should be changing. Explain you don't want to put either him or the children in a difficult situation or one they don't want to be in particularly, but you also have to consider how you now want your life to move forward.

It may be that you need to speak to the children together to explain these changes (with him taking the lead).

Just a thought. Chin up tomorrow, how's about treating yourself - get your hair done, a facial or manicure? You deserve it.

Thinking of you.

Lisa

HI
Had news this morning my absolute is through and the divorce is fainl. I am a single woman again!!

Spent day with my sister - shopping- though she did the shopping i just looked! Had fun and had coffee and cakes to celebrate my new status.
When I got home I explained to my X my POV about the saturdays and he agreed and suggested going to a fortnightly visitation, when he would have them at my house once a month and down with him once a month. Alternate weeks he wouldn't see them. As he will have them from Fri evening to Sunday afternoon when they are at his home they will actually be spending more time with him. I get to have 2 w/e's a month to myself which gives me freedom and a break so I think we are all happy. The boys accepted it, though eldest said he'd prefered to stay here all the time he did say he would fall in with the plans.

Feeling much more postitive about life now

Jante

Hi

Just another comment on what has happened.I feel very much at peace this morning about all that has happened. Woke up thinking this is the start of our new life what are you going to do with it.
First move- to visit a new chuch. I haven't felt settled and at home in the one I'd been attending. Not sure the one I visited it the right one, I'll keep praying and seeking but I it was a start I'd been putting off.
Tomorrow I am going to be more pro-active about finding a permanent job. Supply teaching would be all well and good if I got plenty of work but with one day so far for this month my saving s are getting low and I need to find regular income. It doesn't have to pay as well as teaching as long as it covers my mortgage and bills.

I still do not feel any sorrow at what the post brought yesterday- I think the grieving is done and like L in L I'm ready to move on and be free to be myself.Thank you to all here who have helped me reach this place
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Jante

Good for you J. I'm glad you spoke to your X about childcare arrangements. That is the start of the things you will be able to do for yourself as Jante, an indepdent strong woman who has learnt much and developled.

I'm glad getting the piece of paper wasn't too painful. I think you are right, when I actually looked at it, I didn't really feel anything. It was just "Well, that's that then." Sometimes the reality is much less than we think (you addressing the issues with your X, me going to the do yesterday) and we get through relatively easily.

I hope your job searches and new life go well for you - you deserve it.

Lisa

Hi Jante,

Many thoughts come to me, but perhaps I should just tell you that I believe you did a very good job.

Your solution will probably be good for the Boys, and leave you the time you need with them on weekends too.

Admiration.
Faith.
Trust.

SS

Hi
Thanks SS I do think this will work out fine once T an I fine tune our arrangements. Have had the forms through today to apply for a fulltime temp Religious Education twching job. Its a maternity leave cover hich will mean at least 2 terms at the school- but possibly longer and even may be a job share later. It took me three hours to complete the letter and form so I hope I get it.

Trust all is well with you now the summer excitement is over.

Jante <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ihope you get the job if it will meet your goals.

After thinking (and that is hard for me!) more about your new arangement with T, It seems that it is good for all of you. T doesn't have to travel as much, the boys get some free days to do what they want, and you get to stay home half the time, and time to yourself with soneone watching the boys the other.

Will you send the boys down on the train by themselves when they go to see T? Now as I write this, I don't even know where he is living. He could have moved somewhere else.

You had a busy summer this year, and I hope the trips you did were helpful and not just more work. I know that time with the children can be very rewarding, but can be stressful.

I don't know what to say about you being single now, it's not something you wanted. It is something you needed right now though.

We keep thinking with three married now that things will get slower around our house. NOT !!
Sometimes it feels like the emergancy room of a hospital - but not so much blood.

Would you like me to send you some signs for your front yard?

SS

Hi J,
You have improved yourself in many ways the last few years.

I can't imagine you without something going on to keep yourself learning and growing. I know you are seeking to know which church to go to. You have worked out many of the other things, indluding a job to take care of your needs at least for a time.

Would you mind sharing other plans, or things you are thinking about doing?

Still waiting to hear about the signs. Think three or four would be enough? I have some sample wording - or you could tell me what to put on them. Let me know.
( I hope I don't get in trouble for this one. Sometimes I wonder if I go to far. )

SS

Hi

Ihope you get the job if it will meet your goals. Its a teaching job- and will pay the bills. My main goal at the moment is to pay the bills, and to have work which fits best around the children- teaching does that.

Will you send the boys down on the train by themselves when they go to see T? Now as I write this, I don't even know where he is living. He could have moved somewhere else.
T has moved out from London, to the east to be near where he can sail. the plan at the moment is that I will travel down with th boys the first time by train so they will know where they are going and where to wait for their dad etc. After that they will travel on their own.

Would you mind sharing other plans, or things you are thinking about doing?

Good question to get me thinking. As ai said above a priority at the moment is to find a job to pay the bills and to allow me time with the children. I am also looking for the right chuch home where God wants to plant me long term. Will visit another church tomorrow to see. Otherwise I must admit to being without any major plans. I will have free time very soon for a weekend a month to visit old friends who I've been intending to visit for a couple of years. I fel at the moment that apart from decorating and tidying my garden I really have no long temr plans. Perhaps once I am secure in a job I will be able to look moe definitely at planning more for myself.

Had a 3 text messages rom T this morning before 7am. he was in accident and emergency at his local hospital, unable to visit the children today as he got knocked off his bike last night and now needs a minor op to remove a splinter of bone from his jaw- he fractured his jaw!! Strange feeling as I read it, pity I think. I wonder f he will fing this a very lonely time!!
As for the signs- well i think i'll hold fire for a while and enjoy being single!!
Jante

Just wanted to say hello and let you know I was thinking about you - sounds as if you are doing OK - not so much GREAT, but....getting there, slowly but surely now.

I'll pray that you find the right job, that will not only pay the bills, but be rewarding, AND leave you a little extra. I'll also pray that you find the right church to give you the spiritual home you are looking for.

Autumn here can be a kind of quiet time of year, can't it? You feel everything getting ready to pull its head in for the winter, like a tortoise, yet every warm day is special, every day with sunshine is special, the sun shines through the leaves at a different angle, and the petals of the flowers glow with a different light - dark reds, purples, oranges, and all the red berries hanging in the trees. I always feel like autumn is a time when things are ending, but also getting ready to begin again.

I wonder if your H's OW is gone - gone to Australia? I wonder why he left 3 TXT msgs for you when one would have sufficed?

If he did ever give you some idea that he would want you back, do you have any ideas as to what you would need from him in order to make that possible, or do you just not want to think about that anymore - I know its painful thinking about it, but I just wondered. Don't answer if you don't feel like it.

Wishing you well from down South, jante
and thank you for your msg on my thread - I'm sorry I haven't got back - I've had a busy week and weekend, with everyone down with colds and chest infections (me, too), but I'm doing OK.

God bless,
LIR

HI J !!
It is always good to read what you are thinking - I enjoy your comments.

Good question to get me thinking. As I said above a priority at the moment is to find a job to pay the bills and to allow me time with the children.
Teaching is also rewarding, but my sister who has been a teacher says it gets more difficult as the years go by. She says the children don't seem to have the respect they once did. I hope you get very good students.

I am also looking for the right church home where God wants to plant me long term. Will visit another church tomorrow to see. Otherwise I must admit to being without any major plans.

I have been praying for you - about everything, but especially for this one, and that you will be able to cope with the boys. If you remember the post I did about a year or so ago - about God knowing everything about your surroundings, and also about you personally, and what is best for you, well, he does know where you would best fit, and what would be best for the boys, so I keep asking him to let you know. Keep your mind open about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will have free time very soon for a weekend a month to visit old friends who I've been intending to visit for a couple of years.

If you ever want to visit old friends in the states, the invitation is still open. In fact, my kids say I am REALLY OLD.

I feel at the moment that apart from decorating and tidying my garden I really have no long term plans. Perhaps once I am secure in a job I will be able to look moe definitely at planning more for myself.

I hope you know that I don't expect anything from these questions, except to perhaps help you think, and........just because I am interested. You never have said anything about my neighbors comment, but think for a minute about heaven. Wouldn't we get to choose? It IS real, and you plan on being there someday (I know we all have doubts) and it's one more thing for you to think on.......when you get in a thinking mood.

Had a 3 text messages from T this morning before 7am. he was in accident and emergency at his local hospital, unable to visit the children today as he got knocked off his bike last night and now needs a minor op to remove a splinter of bone from his jaw- he fractured his jaw!! Strange feeling as I read it, pity I think. I wonder f he will find this a very lonely time!!
I think he will find it a lonely time, I wonder if he will spend time on dating web sites, or if he will finally start to think about the direction his life is going. Perhaps God is trying to get him to think. He has certainly had many chances. I feel so bad for him. Pity is a very apt word. Such a fine man in so many ways. I keep hoping he will see.

As for the signs- well i think I'll hold fire for a while and enjoy being single!!

Oh yes, that's what I mean. I was trying to help you with that. I had some ideas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No callers before 8:00 AM please

For appointments with our Mum, please ring in the evening and ask for D or A.

Only well mannered gentlemen who make over £100,000 per year.

Something along those lines.................

SS

PS, though we have similar cultures, they do have differences. If you feel my humor is in bad taste, I will adjust it. I don't really think you need signs, and I hope the fun is not at the expense of your feelings. I suspect there are times when it is still very hard for you.

Hi SS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Had a 3 text messages from T this morning before 7am. he was in accident and emergency at his local hospital, unable to visit the children today as he got knocked off his bike last night and now needs a minor op to remove a splinter of bone from his jaw- he fractured his jaw!! Strange feeling as I read it, pity I think. I wonder f he will find this a very lonely time!!
I think he will find it a lonely time, I wonder if he will spend time on dating web sites, or if he will finally start to think about the direction his life is going. Perhaps God is trying to get him to think. He has certainly had many chances. I feel so bad for him. Pity is a very apt word. Such a fine man in so many ways. I keep hoping he will see. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I've heard no more since Sat am so either hes still in hospital, his jaw is so sore he can't speak or else he's back to normal and it hasn't occurred to him to let us know!! Even though he said he'd ring the boys. It wouldn't be the first time though.
Neither would it be the first time God has used physical ailments to get T's attention in fact I know of at least 2 previous occassions when its happened. I do see God's hand in T facing sop much loss in his life- what has he got left except to yurn back to God?

I visited a new church on Sunday and felt very at home, and 'saw' myself back there in the future so will be back this coming sunday. That will be after having had a w/e away with friends to celebrate my birthday.

Thanks as always for your prrayers and suppot and for making me think.

Jante

Hi
Quick update to above.
I have an interview for the teaching post next Wed. really excited. I have to teach an half hour lesson on- Genesis Creation story. This is something I have taught loads before so am confident I can do it well.
Had a tel. call from Inland revenue- again- about T and his whereabouts. Had to go through the story of my resignation from directorship again before they asked for T's details. I suspect his chickens are really coming home to roost!
Also managed finally to contact T over another issue so asked how he was. He's fine! Just hadn't bothered to call to reassure the children- why am I not surprised!! It turns out it was only a minor bump on saturday but he was taken to hospital anyway and when they x-rayed him they found a splinter of bone from a sailing accident the previous week! Hes now back at work.

Jante

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Yes, it looks like he is a downward spiral.
Just when it seems he has reached the bottom, more things happen to him.

Did the boys ever comment about the D? does it mean anything to them, or was it over long ago for them anyway?

Hope you get that teaching job - I can't even think of anything to tease you about today - I hope I am not coming down with something.

Anyway, I suspect you will do well in the interview. Let us know.

SS

hi

Thanks for the good wishes for the interview. have spent time preparing materials and am trusting that God will direct my paths.

The boys haven't mentioned the D except for D to say that he thought I'd promised it wouldn't make any difference to his life but now he had to visit his dad every month instead of dad coming here. I must admit to not replying as I didn't want to get into a major debate. He doidn't push it so I expect he knew the naswer really and just wanted to se if he could get a rise out of me. The other 2 seem to think life is pretty normal.

Off this w/e for a visit to a nearby historic town to meet for dinner and stay at a hotel with some friends. Its my birthday in a week and one of the groups birthday was last week so its a joint celebration.T will be here to look after the children.

I hope that non of the readers of this post are affected by Isobel.

Jante

Hi J,

I hope you had a great time. I used to worry about you, but now I feel calm. I think you know how to take care of yourself.

I was gone myself, on another trip with Spencer and his friends. Another wilderness bike ride, and I only had one accident, but no harm done.

I'll be gone on and off this week too, but will send you a b-day greeting later this week. I will be gone Friday and Saturday so will have to send it early. One of the traditions we have passed down in the family are spankings for birthdays. One pat for every year. Hope you didn't get spanked over the weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

SS

Thanks SS- no no spanking over the w/e. just lots of laughs, swimming and chatting. Had a lovely meal on saturday night and spent time with good company. Got back to a peaceful house, D had finally decided he'd get his shoulder length hair cut which was a relief to me and his dad. I had not me an issue of it but was certainly glad he'd changed his mind about growing it.
I'm doing fine and really only poost here because its nice to know I have friends.

jante

Just had to let all my friends here know - I got a teaching job today. Its a minimum of six months maternity leave cover, and will start in November. I will be teaching religious studies and sociology to 14-18 year olds. I;'m really thrilled. When the bomb dropped I moved schools to ty and save my marriage. The stress of the move coupled with all the problems in my marriage meant that i had to leave my job due to stress. I had a good new job for 18 months which was relatively stress free but I have missed teaching- its wjhat I am at heart. So now I have the opportunity to get back into school and start teaching again. My life is getting back on track.
I am surviving this thing called divorce.
jante

What wonderful news. I hope you can use this time to build your savings back up a bit.

I understand about the hair, S often pushes that button at our house. So far we don't get to upset about it, but he likes to rattle his mother by growing it out. He was recently made president of his group of boys at church (suggested by someone else other than me) and he tries to look a little nicer now - thank goodness.

I still have great faith in you, that you will do much more than just survive. What a relief for you to know that God still looks after you. (meaning the teaching.) I believe he will continue. I realize it is also necessarry for you to do your part, and I know you will. You should see me smile as I type that - indeed, I know you will.

Thank you again for that wonderful news !!

SS

PS, I really intended to post to you before I left Monday night, I was logging in when I was told my ride was leaving, and I had to go. Sorry I missed you.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>