Hi SS
Still more to the saga. There are times when I feel my emotions are back to where they were 3 years ago except this time its my son who is ripping my heart in 2 not my X!!
So todays update. I rang school this morning and spoke to the head teacher.
The school said the tape wasn't clear enough for me to view- they knew what had happened because a teaching assistant who knew the boys, plus the headteacher, had witnessed them on the school grounds.

Have been into school today with son to talk with the headteacher, and he has finally admitted smoking- now just have to establish if cannabis is involved. Also after the head talked to him on his own she said it would be good for him to talk more to me about what is making him angry and upset. So this evening I have had a long chat and the result was Son had a puff of cannabis for the first time on friday evening. He admitted smoking occasionally for the last year- never buys his own but accepts them from others when they are out.

He also said he'd had a quick slug of drink before- beer etc, but that this was the first time he had drunk whisky, and had enough to effect him.

He says he feels stressed and angry at times, but the only reason he says he can think of for being angry is that we dragged him down to England from Scotland. he admits there is now nothing we could do to make that better - and so understands he has to move on.

Decision has been made that he will travel down to his dads from Saturday until Christmas day , and his brothers will stay here, and that the following week when they were all to go down, he will stay with me and his brothers go to stay without him. We are hoping that a bit more individual attention fom us both may help, and this way he doesn't lose all his holiday. Dad didn't ant the stay wiuth him to be viewed as a punishment.

Only time will tell if this is the best way forward.

Whole scenario made me stressed at school today which didn't help, I'm seriously thinking of going to the part time job.

Thanks as always for your comment.

Jante
ps Had an email just after posting this from thegentleman I was dating to say he'd decided to give it another go with an ex girlfriend an so would not be seeing me again. Too much else going on for me to be upset about this. I know that it is probably for the best at this time. I found I couldn't talk to him about the situation with D which is an indication I'm sure that it asn't right.

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hope JEH address still works, or you are going to wonder why I don't comment more here about most of the above post.

ps Had an email just after posting this from the gentleman I was dating to say he'd decided to give it another go with an ex girlfriend an so would not be seeing me again.

Hmmm.......

Too much else going on for me to be upset about this.

That tells me a lot all by itself. If your feelings were strong, it would affect you more.


I know that it is probably for the best at this time. I found I couldn't talk to him about the situation with D which is an indication I'm sure that it asn't right.

Well, normally it takes some time before we start to share very personal things with a new friend. However, that statememt coming from you does mean something. I don't think you would say that if you had strong feelings - annother sign to me.

Do you understand what your feelings really were, or are? Is it just lack of time - and if you had been able to spend more time with him over the next year would your feelings have become stronger?

You know I ask lots of questions - I suppose I haven't changed much in that respect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Are you feeling better about D and his reactions to being confronted?

I sincerely hope he makes some good choices right now. I wish he had friends that wanted to stay away from smoking and drinking.

I am sure you have considered sending him to stay with his dad for good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No, it really does sound like the things you are doing will help. Lets wait and see, shall we?

SS

Thanks SS
Yes I got the email- just not time to reply. I know my felings weren't vey involved with the new gentleman- I liked him, found fim attractive and enjoyed his company. I did think something else amy grow but it had only been 6 weeks so , no my heart is not affected.

D leaves this morning for his dads and seems quite accepting of it. We've had a quiet three days. One good thing that did happen- when we had the long chat towards the end, I went over and gave him a hug and though he didn't hug back neither did he pull away. He said he knew I loved him and never felt I didn't which was good.

Hears hoping you and your family have a wonderful holiday
Jante

I am not worried about being answered back, I Just wanted to make sure that you knew your comments were addressed.

Can you see why I have faith in you- you found a solution, applied it, and things are working a little better already. I love it when I'm right about someone - and don't you dare make a mistake on purpose just to throw me off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since I have sons wedding in a short time, I had better get going. Why do women have to make these thigs so complicated? (you can laugh, I have big grin on my face as I type.)

Oh well, you take such good care of us afterwords, we men should be glad for a little pomp in the beginning.

Just think, in only 6 or 7 years D could be having a wedding. Does that scare you?

Oh no, I should go - these moods take me and I crack bad joke after bad joke. They seldom come out quite right when typed either.

You sound better today. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, but I keep praying for God to show you someone that will take proper care of you, so maybe he is still working on it. I expect he will do a good job of it, he always does.

I do still have a large peice of wood and some paint. I can see a sign in your front yard now - Wanted, Charming man with good manners, must be..............

SS

Hi
All is peaceful here- with D away at his Dads, and apparently having a good time, and the other two getting excited for christmas. Just finished a marathon wrapping session. One of those times when I feel being alone- it as always a task T and I did together. However, christmas is nearly here, and we shall have a good time. All the bst to you and yous

Jante

Hi J,
You don't have much time left to get ready. I wish I could get that Vauxhall Estate and leave it out front with a big bow on it, but that is beyond my ability. Have you made that purchase yet?

All is peaceful here- with D away at his Dads, and apparently having a good time, and the other two getting excited for christmas.

It is fun having children around at Christime. Our married children (four are married now) all want to come back and sleep at our house tonight and be here in the morning. For some reason they think it will be more fun than being in their own homes as just couples. I was glad when we married that we could get a little sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Oh well, it's bound to be fun, and I can always sleep the next night.

Just finished a marathon wrapping session. One of those times when I feel being alone- it as always a task T and I did together.

W usually does it while I am at work. She only works part time and usually takes a few days off before Christmas. At least it sounds like C and A will be getting something besides coal this year. I hope D benifits from being with T a few days.

I still think about what you are doing tomorrow, having Christmas with T and his parents. You would have to be strong emotionally to be able to do that and enjoy yourself. What a wonderful thing it is that you are able to do that - the boys will someday understand just how much strength you have - even it they don't right now.

However, christmas is nearly here, and we shall have a good time.

Somehow I never feel quite ready, even when I can't think of anything else that needs doing. I suspect we will have a good time too.

All the best to you and yours
Thank you so much, you are very kind.

May God bless you with whatever you need the most, and especially joy and happiness.

SS

Hi

Have had a very nice day with the family- sure you had the same. Feeling a bit deflated now- the emptimess when I'm left with the childen but it will pass it always does. T's mum went to church with me this morning which was lovely.

T's parents are to meet his new lady friend tommorow- Mum told me today that he had asked and they felt that now the dv is through they couldn't refuse. They aren't really looking forward to it. yet again it stabbed at me, I know I should be over it by now but there is still a well of love for him that never seems to dry up. It was also inteesting to see him wearing her christmas present to him- a gold chain around his neck- something he would never have wanted when we were together, when I asked if it was a christmas present he said yes- and it was taking some getting used to!!

I still think about what you are doing tomorrow, having Christmas with T and his parents. You would have to be strong emotionally to be able to do that and enjoy yourself. What a wonderful thing it is that you are able to do that - the boys will someday understand just how much strength you have - even it they don't right now.

Well I did manage to enjoy the day for the most part, I'm not sure strength comes into it, weakness at wanting to spend time wih him still- yet knowing it hurts me to do so.

SS you asked
Have you made that purchase yet?

Yes I've out a deposit down on a Proton- a malaysian car, which is well within my budget, drives nicely and has a large boot (trunk) for my mums wheelchair. Will collect the car once the pesent one has been repossessed, not heard anymore about that yet.

T's told his parents his car has gone because he can no longer afford it, but hasn't told them about mine or his other problems. He doesn't want them worried, dad is to go for a full scan and then radiography in the new year- it doesn't look too good, though he is in good spirits. I can understand T's point of view, not sure how I will handle it if they ask why I've changed car. I want to tell the truth- and certainly don't want to shield T but do think it may be kinder for his parents to not give the whole picture- just tell them I need a large boot for my mums wheelchair and leave it at that. Ah well time to go.

All the best for the coming days.

jante

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hello J,
Good to hear about your Christmas day.

Have had a very nice day with the family- sure you had the same.

Yes, we did. Other than lack of sleep, and working Friday, I had a great time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We had all the children come Christmas eve, and all but one married couple stayed the night with us. Kind of cramped for space, but we had fun. We watched a movie about the life of Christ on Christmas eve, and it put me in a good mood.


Feeling a bit deflated now- the emptiness when I'm left with the chidden but it will pass it always does.

I shouldn't say I worry - because I believe you will do well in the long term. I do feel for you about the short term pain. I believe time will heal this, but sometimes it passes slowly.


T's mum went to church with me this morning which was lovely. T's parents are to meet his new lady friend tommorow- Mum told me today that he had asked and they felt that now the dv is through they couldn't refuse. They aren't really looking forward to it. yet again it stabbed at me, I know I should be over it by now but there is still a well of love for him that never seems to dry up.

That tells me something about your loyalty. What a great shame T cannot see.
I know that does not change the pain - I know it does not. Words don't help much sometimes.


It was also interesting to see him wearing her christmas present to him- a gold chain around his neck- something he would never have wanted when we were together, when I asked if it was a christmas present he said yes- and it was taking some getting used to!!
He still doesn't have much tact, perhaps you could sign him up for lessons sometime this year.


Well I did manage to enjoy the day for the most part, I'm not sure strength comes into it, weakness at wanting to spend time with him still- yet knowing it hurts me to do so.

No, it is strength. Forgive me for disagreement, but I see it differently. Most people would not be willing to do what you do for him. Even now you are kind and think of others first, and I don't believe for a minute it's just because you wanted to be with him. Perhaps that is a part of it, but I wager a small part. You want your boys to have a nicer day, and you want to make things nice for IL's. ( if this bothers you, just remember I tease about odd things, and smile.)

SS you asked Have you made that purchase yet? Yes I've out a deposit down on a Proton- a malaysian car, which is well within my budget, drives nicely and has a large boot (trunk) for my mums wheelchair. Will collect the car once the pesent one has been repossessed, not heard anymore about that yet. T's told his parents his car has gone because he can no longer afford it, but hasn't told them about mine or his other problems.

NO, that wouldn't be like him to tell them what is going on. I would guess you have learned much about communication, or lack of it. As I have learned from reading on MB, I can see that communication is something that usually needs to be worked on. I know you have had thoughts on that before in your posts.

Now, I am just thinking ...................... I ought to go on, and leave you alone.


He doesn't want them worried, dad is to go for a full scan and then radiography in the new year- it doesn't look too good, though he is in good spirits.

There are ways to tell, and parents want to know.
" Sorry I didn't tell you about smoking mum, but I didn't want you to worry."
They love him, they would want to know how he is doing I would think.

I can understand T's point of view, not sure how I will handle it if they ask why I've changed car. I want to tell the truth- and certainly don't want to shield T but do think it may be kinder for his parents to not give the whole picture- just tell them I need a large boot for my mums wheelchair and leave it at that. Ah well time to go. All the best for the coming days.

I don't think it is your job to tell them. What you plan is probably wise.

Now then young lady - I request that you remember your blessings this week and remember to be happy almost all the time. I would give you persimmon to be sad for a few minutes on new years day, especially if you eat to much like I have been doing, and gain weight. However, that is about all, and you need to be happy the rest of the time. Please be happy just as a special favor to me.

I trust D is doing well. S has been a good boy this week, and I have not had to get after him at all. He even helped me clean the Garage today and spent about 5 hours helping. Someday they can be very good. Now, if he will just get up on time for church tomorrow, last week he was late.

You may not hear from me much this week, most of the staff is gone and I won't be at my desk much, if at all. All kidding aside, I hope you have a very good week. I continue to pray for all of you.

SS

Hi SS and a Happy New Year- well almost
Down to a very quiet house today- took my Mum to my sisters, and visited in laws this afternoon. The youngest 2 went to stay at their Dad's yesterday until saturday so now its just D and I. He's allowed out with stict bounaries and so far he is keeping to them. He and I have just sat and watched a dvd together. Now its almost bedtime.

I am counting my blessings- and many they are.
Not sure about future of my job- I'm really not happy in teaching with all the stresses of dealing with unruly teenages so am looking closely into retraining. It will mean three years of uni- but then I will have about 20 years ahead of me in employment so well worth considering.

Well will catch up in 2004

Jante

Hi J,
I suppose since everyone else is wishing you a happy new near, I ought to be different and wish you a happy St Patricks day, but then you would probably wonder about me even more, so I think I'll just let it pass, and say Happy New Year - almost.

Down to a very quiet house today- took my Mum to my sisters, and visited in laws this afternoon.

I have often thought you are a lot busier than you talk about. I hope your sisters are doing well. Sometimes I talk to my brothers and sisters about what I learn on MB, but they don't seem to get anything from it. I am amazed how many people are willing to have an average marriage instead of a really good one - just because they don't know any better.

The youngest 2 went to stay at their Dad's yesterday until saturday so now its just D and I. He's allowed out with stict bounaries and so far he is keeping to them. He and I have just sat and watched a dvd together. Now its almost bed time.

What DVD? I am interrested in what would apeal to both of you so that you could watch it together.

I hope so much that he continues to improve - for his own sake as well as for you. I know that fathers don't seem to worry about children as much as mothers do. I don't know if we are not as caring, or if we just trust that things will turn out well so we see no need to worry. Maybe we are just foolish and can't see what is needed. I don't know, sometimes I type along as I think - I wonder if it makes sense to you.

I am counting my blessings- and many they are. Not sure about future of my job- I'm really not happy in teaching with all the stresses of dealing with unruly teenages so am looking closely into retraining. It will mean three years of uni- but then I will have about 20 years ahead of me in employment so well worth considering.


What are you thinking about doing? I remember you were taking some classes at the uni when you first started on MB.
I bet it would dip into your savings to be able to do that for three years, I hope it works for you if that is what you want.

I remember reading a letter once from someone asking for advice about going back to school. The man said it would take 5 years and he would be 48 years old before he finished. The answer came back "and how old will you be in 5 years if you do not go back to school."

The asnwer of course is that he would still be 48. He went back.

Things are quiet now at our house with only 4 at home. The older two are home about half the time in the evenings during the holidays, and it is just W and I and the twins. I kind of like it, but we are gearing up to be ready for grandchildren in March.

Do you have a date for newyears? Watch another DVD with D? Or visit friends or relatives?

I find that people celebrate so very differently depending on family tradition. I prefer more quiet gatherings - I suppose I never was very wild in my party style.

Well will catch up in 2004

I hope you are still getting something from coming here (MB.) I have learned a great deal from your example, and W says if you ever do get over to visit you are always welcome.

Best wishes, and other sayings can never quite convey the depth of feeling we have for those we care about. We do care about your family, I hope you know that. May God keep you safe and may you have continued joy this holiday season.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
SS

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi Happy New Year

I saw the New Year in by chatting to friends via IM, as I was tied to the house with D. He was on the other computer chatting to friends thoigh we did wish ach other a happy new year at midnight. Tried to ring the boys but the mobile network crashed with volume of calls- T rand this morning so that the boys and I could excnhange greetings.
D and I watched Deep Impact- and action movie which we both enjoyed. However earlier in the week he had willingly sat with mum and I to watch 4 weedings and a funeral so we both share a wide taste.


What are you thinking about doing? I remember you were taking some classes at the uni when you first started on MB

I did do a 6 month course 2 years ago now- to be able to teach younger children- but it hasn't proved possible to get work in that field. I am looking at a complete change, training for nursing, with the possibility of becoming a Health Visitor. Its a three year course but the govt would pay a Bursary if I did it which would enable us to live! Am looking at courses the nearest uni is 14 miles away so not impossible and my mum has already offered to come and stay whenever shift patterns neccesitate it for my training. Just putting in some payer now and doing some serious considering.

Well all the best to you and your family foir this new year.
Jante

Hi SS

Well younger 2 are back having had a fun week with T and his l/f. I feel a bit down- not sure quite why. I was tense when he arrived as he was 2 hours late and hadn't rung to let me know they were delayed. However, I also think having to make plans for the w/es - and as he has only just got round to telling me when he plans to see them in January- gives me only 2 weeks to arrange to be away somewhere. I sometimes wonder why I allow this but then I think of the boys and think its for the best. Its A's birthday in Feb- am going to ask him how he'd feel at celebrating it with me separate from with his dad. A departure as we've always done family things before - but I'm struggling with T celebrating things with my boys and his l/f and her children as well. I think it may be time to stop the charade that we are one big happy family when he's here.

Something to think about for a couple of days before I make a decision.
Jante

Hi Jante,
It is a happy new year in many ways. We are still mostly healthy, we didn't go out of business this year, and we still have many friends. I actually went on a camping trip for a few days, and though we had some rain and snow, nothing too bad.

Sometimes I wish that you had a good friend one or two doors down that you could talk to, but I know it's not my place to wish those things for you.

I saw the New Year in by chatting to friends via IM, as I was tied to the house with D.

I am glad you have close friends that you can visit with via IM, and I hope you are doing well now. As well as one can in this life anyway.


He was on the other computer chatting to friends though we did wish each other a happy new year at midnight. Tried to ring the boys but the mobile network crashed with volume of calls- T rand this morning so that the boys and I could exchange greetings. D and I watched Deep Impact- and action movie which we both enjoyed. However earlier in the week he had willingly sat with mum and I to watch 4 weddings and a funeral so we both share a wide taste.

I don't know if I could watch Deep Impact - those kind are hard on me emotionally. I tend to stay with more mild ones. Haven't seen "4 weddings" yet so we may have to see that one. We watched "Muppet Treasure Island" and "Muppet Christmas Carol" during the holidays. They are favorites of my older daughters, and they can quote much of them from memory.

I did do a 6 month course 2 years ago now- to be able to teach younger children- but it hasn't proved possible to get work in that field. I am looking at a complete change, training for nursing, with the possibility of becoming a Health Visitor. Its a three year course but the govt would pay a Bursary if I did it which would enable us to live! Am looking at courses the nearest uni is 14 miles away so not impossible and my mum has already offered to come and stay whenever shift patterns neccesitate it for my training. Just putting in some payer now and doing some serious considering.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if you had tried for PM. I would have voted for you if I lived in the UK.

It sounds like you have thought this out quite well. It will be work, but you were never afraid of that. I believe you will get help to know what to do. You must also, and I am glad.

Well all the best to you and your family for this new year.

You are so kind, thank you so much.


.........younger 2 are back having had a fun week with T and his l/f. I feel a bit down- not sure quite why.

One man I spoke to said you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. I don't have personal experience, and I hope I never get any, but It has to be hard. When I pray, this is one of the things I ask that he help you with. I have faith that in time you will do much better, but meanwhile, I do hope he helps.

I was tense when he arrived as he was 2 hours late and hadn't rung to let me know they were delayed. However, I also think having to make plans for the w/es - and as he has only just got round to telling me when he plans to see them in January- gives me only 2 weeks to arrange to be away somewhere.

He must be a man, almost all women would have rung and explained. I think I worried about the weekends clear back in Oct of 2002. I suppose you can adjust a little bit at a time as you feel you need to do it, or you could take a look and change it all at once based on what you feel will happen in the future - (as if you were remarried.)

I sometimes wonder why I allow this but then I think of the boys and think its for the best. Its A's birthday in Feb- am going to ask him how he'd feel at celebrating it with me separate from with his dad. A departure as we've always done family things before - but I'm struggling with T celebrating things with my boys and his l/f and her children as well. I think it may be time to stop the charade that we are one big happy family when he's here. Something to think about for a couple of days before I make a decision.

I think it would be easier for you to date, and easier for others to fall in love with you if things were changed and if you acted now as if you were in another committed relationship - as far as having him come to your home and so on. This would be a very hard thing to do, I don't envy you at all. I know you consider many things when you think about what is best.
Probably you still meet some of his needs, and it seems he still meets some of yours. If you want to remarry in the next 5 years or so, a clean break is probably best. I wish I had more wisdom and were a better advisor. You have my continued prayers.

Are you back teaching school now, and do you intend to finish out this year?

Best wishes to you and the boys. (And, your Mum too.)

Sounds like you still have plenty to keep you busy. I had better quit typing and let you get to it.

SS

Hi SS
Probably you still meet some of his needs, and it seems he still meets some of yours. If you want to remarry in the next 5 years or so, a clean break is probably best.
Well have sent T and email confirming the w/e dates and explaining that after talking to A I'll be celebating A's birthday with him on the actual day- a monday- while T can celebrate with him separately over the w/e. This is the start of a new practice. I suspect that by next christmas that will also be celebrated spearately. I shall continue to allow T to stay here with the children at w/e's for the immediate future- ulterior motive, it allows me to go away without having to organise care for the pets! I don't see him for moe than half an hour at those times so its likely that any needs being met will cease Also saves a battle with D who is a;lready saying he won't go away with T for th three weeks holiday planned only for 2 of them!
With regard to job change
It sounds like you have thought this out quite well. It will be work, but you were never afraid of that. I believe you will get help to know what to do. You must also, and I am glad.
I'm still praying about it and making sure its right. I've been back in school and though things are a little easier in class now- I even enjoyed some of my time yesterday I still want to look at the whole picture for the future. Have discussed it with D and A individually - in A's case I wasn't going to but he raised the subject of changing jobs when you are older, and they both seem quite happy with the prospect. I've explained what the draw backs will be while I train as well as the positives. I've asked A to tell me if he feels at all worried by the prospect.

Well heres to all our futures

Jante

Hello J,
Only have a few minutes, so this will be brief.

Well have sent T and email confirming the w/e dates and explaining that after talking to A I'll be celebating A's birthday with him on the actual day- a monday- while T can celebrate with him separately over the w/e. This is the start of a new practice. I suspect that by next christmas that will also be celebrated spearately. I shall continue to allow T to stay here with the children at w/e's for the immediate future- ulterior motive, it allows me to go away without having to organise care for the pets! I don't see him for moe than half an hour at those times so its likely that any needs being met will cease Also saves a battle with D who is a;lready saying he won't go away with T for the three weeks holiday planned only for 2 of them!

I think you will be happier not seeing him as much. Just as with those involved in A's that see the OP, when you see him, feelings return.

If there was hope, that would be good, but after all that has happened, I think you will do better seeing him less and less. You realize this is only my opinion - but you know I talk a lot.


With regard to job change
I'm still praying about it and making sure its right. I've been back in school and though things are a little easier in class now- I even enjoyed some of my time yesterday I still want to look at the whole picture for the future. Have discussed it with D and A individually - in A's case I wasn't going to but he raised the subject of changing jobs when you are older, and they both seem quite happy with the prospect. I've explained what the draw backs will be while I train as well as the positives. I've asked A to tell me if he feels at all worried by the prospect.


I know we have an enemy - and that enemy can and does have ways to make things - how to say this?

He has ways of affecting our mind and making things seem worse than they are - it's not depression really, but it darkens our time - and affects our thoughts and it can affect the way we view events, and time spent. That has happened to us in our business lately and it has really affected the W. I would suggest you give it more time and then look at it again - but if it is really hard and you already know, then you ought to do what gives you emotional relief. I think teaching is pretty much public speaking and most of us can do it once a month or once a week without much problem, but daily it is difficult and takes getting used to. Note I am not trying to make you change your mind if you already feel to change. I just tend to say what I think.


Well heres to all our futures

Here, Here - I agree. I'll pray for yours, if you will pray for ours. I would probably pray for yours anyway, just so you know.

S is gone with his older brother on a snow camp, but some of us have to work. There is about 2 feet in the mountains and it is below zero (F) at night. I hope they don't loose any fingers or toes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would guess that as you have less contact with T, you will do better and better. I notice you make decisions much more easily than even a year ago. I admire the growth I have seen. I admire the care you show the boys, your mum, the IL's and even T. I realize you still have dreams and wishes, and I encourage you to continue seeking them. Perfection doesn't come in a day, a week, or even a year, but slowly it creeps up on us if we continue improving. I believe that someday you WILL have that home in heaven. When you have the hard days, think about that, and plan the kitchen. Perhaps it will cheer you up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

SS

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS


teaching is pretty much public speaking and most of us can do it once a month or once a week without much problem, but daily it is difficult and takes getting used to.
Its not the public speaking aspect I have a problem with, but the discipline side. I find that trying to get a class of 25 to 30 14 year olds to be quiet long enough for me to speak is hard. In fact I end up shouting to get attention which I hate. Today I had one student throw a handful of pens at my head while I was witing on the board! Its being dealt with but is just another time when I wish May was here. To add to my problems at school because I am teaching a subject I myself haven;t studied, students have been to my Head of department to compain they don't think I'm good enough. They may well be right- its cetainly left me feeling low about the whole situation. I had hoped that returning to teaching would give me back the sense of fulfillment I have had in the past but its just not there.
I am going to book onto a local college first aid couse as a prlim to going back to study- it will help me assess whether its right for me.
When you have the hard days, think about that, and plan the kitchen. Perhaps it will cheer you up.
Thats what i will have to do tonight!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jante

I don't envy your having to keep 30 children quiet.

That reminds me of a disipline story from my own past and I don't recommend you try this, but it worked very well for me.

I have worked with the Boy Scouts for a long time. One day (this was about 20 years ago) I came around the corner in the building we met in, and saw one of the boys running down the hall tword me. He was looking over his shoulder and didn't see me, so I went back around the corner and waited until he got to me. I stuck out my arm to catch him as he turned the corner, and his momentem spun both of us around and him righ into the wall. He was knocked out cold and fell to the floor. The other boys that were chasing him came around the corner and saw him on the floor. They asked me what had happened, and I told them I had caught him running in the building (in this case, a church) and that I would do the same to them if I caught them doing anything they should not do. I think that group were really well behaved as long as I had them in the scout troop.

I suppose I neglected to tell them the WHOLE truth, but the half truth worked very well for me that time. Privately I went to his mother and explained what had happened, and she told me that it was an accident and not to worry about it.

I DO NOT recommend anyone try that themselves.


I don't have any suggestions for you. I think I understand why it is difficult. I still teach a sunday school class for 17 and 18 year olds and it is hard sometimes with only 8 or ten of them. You can kind of feel when you loose them, and it takes a lot of effort to get them back.

For what it's worth, I had a chemistry teacher that once told me: " A picture is worth a thousand words, and a good explosion is worth about 100 pictures, it seems to get their attention every time."

I don't know if I can recommend that to you either, but it sure worked for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I doubt if I am much help to you today, but as I said before, sometimes this mood strikes me, and I just keep on with it until it is over.

I hope the boys are taking good care of their mother. You know, eating right, doing their share of the house work, studying hard, coming home on time, and getting in absolutly no trouble.

If not, welcome to parenthood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I don't remember asking this before, but If I have, you can remind me.

Is there any one thing that you have learned on MB, ( about marriage relationships) that stands out in your mind as being most important?

What have you learned about yourself in the last two years (of a positive nature)that perhaps you didn't know before?

Are you happy with the person you have become?

As always, you can ignore things you don't want to talk about.

Best wishes -

SS

Hi
I have good news on D. Have just been to school for parents evening- and had good reports from all his teachers. Although all say he is laid back about work and could achieve even higher he is getting his head down, working, not disrupting lessons and in some subjects doing really well. No real negatives at all. Also the Head teacher stopped me to tell me that his gang had truanted today but D hadn't gone with them. He knew about it but didn't want to he told me afterwards. I feel light has entered that particular tunnel. Also this afternoon I received a postcard about A from his english teacher paising how well he'd done in a pice of work recently.

Not got much time now so will addess you questions later.
Jante

HI
To you questions:

Is there any one thing that you have learned on MB, ( about marriage relationships) that stands out in your mind as being most important?

I can't honestly say anything has. That sounds like I haven't learnt or else I'm arrogant but the truth is until D day T and I communicated on most levels. He now says thatn I didn't meet his en gor passion but thats one area he didn't communicate with me bfore- and I always find it difficult that he would never let me meet that need and others after he left. I suppose this last 3 years have taught me to be more true to my own feelings and doing what I know is right rather than going along with what others say- but thats not necessarily learnt from MB. What MB has done is make me ealise that all I went through was very normal and also to give me a place to journal my thoughts and feelings.

As to what I have learnt about myself- I've learnt I'm stonger and more patient than I thought. , and paradoxivally weaker and more dependant on God. I also lose my temper quicker in certain situations!!!! Make sense of that if you can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I've learnt that my faith is very real in extreme situations and that even when I felt far from God he was close to me. I'm learning to trust my own instincts when making decisions , and not to let 'feelings' or emotions rule my decisions.
Am I happy with the person I'v bcome?? Well content may be a better word. i've a long way to go but am at peace with who I am now.

I've spent this w/e away on my own contemplating my uture.

I've eached a number of conclusions.

First I am not content to sit on the side lines in my faith, I have to be active in persuing all God has for me.
I won't be content with just any partner- he has to be a godly man following Gods ways and seeking him wholeheartedly.
Friendship is importnat to me but I need to each out and make new local friends, not rely on cyber friends.
I need to fin a fulfilling and epeople orientated job to wok at for next 20 ys. With that in mind I am going ahead with my application to be a nurse.
I am not willing to let students push me around or pull my strings.

Some w/e!!!

jante

HI
Just when I think I have it all sorted in my mind along comes other options. Met with a christian friend today who is a trustee of a local charity. She was a colleague at my last job. She told me about a managers job which is coming up and implied that if I apllied for it it would be mine. It would mean managing the setting up and running of a nursery for 0-5 yr olds, liasing with the parents etc. As my goal had been to enter nursing to become a health visitor working with parents and children 0-5 I'm left wondering! It would mean going into a job as I finish in teaching in May rather than going back to retrain. More to give thought and prayer to!
Jante