How long after DDay did it take for the affair to end? And by end I meen extended periods of NC with other person, months not weeks.

This is for all of us still waiting for our spouses affairs to end or be nearing the end.

GG007,

It will be 7 months since d-day on Sept 14 for us.
My WH and I are still together and probably should not be. His "A" is still continuing. He talks to OW numerous times a day. As far as seeing her, he longer stays out all nite, but I am sure they find a way to see each other. The longest he has gone with NC was just barely a week.

Pretty much instantly. She called him the next day and said I had recorded her leaving him a voice message.

She said she couldn't continue seeing him.

He wanted to know if she thought I would tell his wife.

They both talked about whether or not she could convince me they were just friends. She thought she could and he said he would talk to me if she thought it would help convince me they were friends.

I think they had one more phone call and that was pretty much it.

This was late November 2002. I didn't call his wife until after the holidays the 8th of January.

She made two phone calls to him. One saying he wasn't much of man because he wouldn't own up to his part to his wife. He claimed my wife was stalking him.....funny she was bound to office he was the one free to be out and about.

Second time she had been drinking and was going to cuss him out but lost her nerve midway through the conversation.

There was no real fog except she made several efforts to decieve me into believing they were friends. But once I started get cell phone records the jig was up. She would stall full disclosure until late Jan early Feb 2003.

But in terms of contact or effort to continue the relationship neither of them tried to keep it going. Obviously since she wanted out and he was a serial cheater/sexual predator experienced in moving on when the heat in the kitchen got too hot.

19 months

Good guy - I, like you, would like to see if the books estimate that most affairs end within 6 months of exposure is true.
My H is still having the A. D Day was June 25, so I mentally calculated the 6 month time frame as ending on - December 25. Not sure how I feel about that.
It gives me comfort to have sort of a mental date in mind. Not that I mark days off on the calender in anticiaption of the 6 month mark, but it gives me a goal. If nothing has changed by then, I will reevaluate, and that helps me just to live my life, and let time go by.
Meanwhile, I go out with friends, I take the boys places, I paint the house, I keep busy, and I am feeling good right now.
I do feel strongly that the A will end. My H's comments - "she is everything I ahve ever wanted" "It is no big deal living with someone elses kids" "My kids will get over it" none ot these comments are based in truth or fact. They are based in feelins and emotions which can blow up.
All ready money has gotten very tight for him. All ready he comments that he misses his kids so much.
I do not inititate contact with him, but the other day when he called to arrange to spend time with the boys I reminded him that he doesn't have to miss them so terribly - he could work on a new relationship with me, his wife of 18 years, instead of this other relationship. he could confide his problems to me, the one who has been with him for so long, instead of someone he has known for 6 months.
He could have it all - a loving home, a daily relationship with his boys, and a wife who loves him enough to want to work on our relationship.
As usual, he had to get off the phone afte that. He had nothing to say.

my d-day was less than 8 hours after my w's OM ended it with her. there was some continued contact (we separated about 4 weeks after d-day) in the following months, but all contact ended about ten weeks after d-day. the affair lasted from april/may to mid-october last year.

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

I ended it 18 months after DDay. DDay was after separation.

If my exH had asked me to end it, I would have much sooner. I'm not blaming him, but he just pulled back so far from me that I felt that (in my fog) he didn't love me after all. I realize that was wrong thinking. He did it out of self-protection, and who can blame him.

ExOM had DDay way before I did. I ended it with him two years after his wife found out. He'd left a good job and relocated to a small apartment 500 miles away to be near me.

Now, in retrospect, it's all like a bad dream. (the A, separation, divorce-but now I live that part) It's a part of my life that I wish had never happened, and that's putting it very mild.

Take care,
HP

Supposedly, it ended with D-day. I am not confident that is the case. My H says I'm paranoid and won't ever trust him.

D-day was November 2001 and the actual physical contact stopped about ten months after that, but phone and email continued until last month as far as I know. It did taper off and the truth about their relationship became more and more clear to my H. But it has been a terribly long time and I don't know FOR SURE that they don't still talk at all. Not very encouraging. Each M and A is different so its kind of hard to gauge what will happen in your life.

Good news, 3 years in recovery.

Bad news, D day was 8 mo into PA, Recovery would not happen for 18 more months.

Wish I could be more encouraging, although, FOW is a co-worker and no contact not possible, which is one of the worst outcome scenarios.

Last year in June, was my DD. I have had many DD. I was hopeful that it had ended for sure this last may but I have been told that they talk everyday and they always are together at work. He comes home from work he stays off the computer and he really has not too much time that is not accountable for. But, He still talks to her everyday. The people who tell me are his friends and mine. I hate to ask them but I can't help it. I don't want him to know that I know. 6 months BULL####. In my book it never ends. My husband has stopped counseling, and acts like nothing is wrong. But so do I. How can any marriage work under these circumstances?

goodguy--my EA ended 6 weeks before D-Day. Since then I have pretty much kept NC w/ XOM, but on the few occasions he has attempted to contact me, my DH does know about. It has been almost 5 months since XOM's last attempt to contact me, the last time being via IM. My DH saw the IM and told me about it, and he didn't seem angry or upset about it.

from what I have read, it can take up to 2 years. I thought that d-day was the end, but I'm smarter now and believe there was some contact for at least 6 months after, but fading and initiated by her (OW).

Sometimes there is contact until they can no longer have their cake and eat it too. I think in many cases OP figures out that the WS is not leaving and finally gives up.

Many WSs will take it for free if they can get it. Many OP think so little of themselves that they are willing to take crumbs in a relationship. I guess that is all they think they are worth. After all, they aren't married to the person.

i.h.h.i.:

"My husband has stopped counseling, and acts like nothing is wrong. But so do I. How can any marriage work under these circumstances? "

This is SO familiar! And the answer is that a M can't work under those circumstances. How 2 break out of the rut? Well, I think I've done it, but I "did it" by reading a lot, posting a lot, and thinking a lot. I did change my behavior, but not so much for my W's benefit as for my own and my kids'.

If you continue working 2 improve yourself 2 be a stronger person emotionally, I think you'll find yourself more and more able 2 communicate your concerns 2 your H about the contact (and maybe even the A) continuing.

For example, I "snooped" in my W's email about 3 times since D-day. Each time she found out I'd snooped, she hit the roof and I felt awful and went on the defensive. 2 months ago, she left her email connected on my computer inadvertently, so I looked and read emails 2 RM. I told her about this a 2ple weeks ago. Mind you, the whole conversation was without angry outbursts, which was a big improvement for us 2th, but she did say "I can't believe you read my emails." And this time, instead of getting defensive or apologizing, I simply said "You left your account connected on my computer. I wasn't about 2 just close it without checking 2 see if you'd talked 2 him." I don't think she expected that response. I was matter-of-fact about it. Our interactions improved substantially immediately after that conversation.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we're finally moving.

Give it time, in your case. I would recommend you read one book that was particularly helpful 2 me at the point in "recovery" that you describe. It's Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." An amazing book, and it does have a chapter about relationships that's very helpful.

all my best,
-ol' 2long

It ends when it ends.

In my case, I ended my marriage before the affair ended...I couldn't take the lying, disrespect, dishonor and B.S. anymore. I filed 4 mos. after DD (11/4/02). Those 4 months felt like 4 years. WS picked it up with OM bigtime after I filed...not sure if they are still together. Occassionally I wonder if I filed too soon, but then I realize that I would NEVER EVER EVER trust that woman with my heart and life again...so good riddance. Better to start over now than later.

They both agreed to NC the next day...all 4 of us sat down and agreed. The ended breaking their committment and spoke on phone a few times for about 5 days after dday. I caught them talking again and went over and spoke to OW and her H and I wasn't pleasant. They didn't have any sexual contact after dday.I also told my H that if there were any more slips..the kids and I were outta here. I told him I needed him to talk to me about his feelings even if it was painful to me...that she could no longer be his friend...but I was more then willing to be that friend.