I have been divorced for a week now.

I have been in a strict Plan B since Jan 01. Only communicate re- children. On the occassions that XH and I had to communicate re legal issues I kept my cool and did not love bust.

During one of our discussions regarding legal matters he accused me of being greedy and wanting to destroy him financially. My response to that was "If you think so"

He then told me "I just want this divorce to be over with so that I can carry on with my life" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I wonder what he has been doing for the past two years - not live <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I responded:- "Yes, I'm sure you want the dv to be final for you to get married".

His response:- Dead silence............I just want the dv over.

Somehow, this response shook me. He did not say yes he wants to get married. This is different from a couple of mnths ago when he wrote my atty a letter wanting to hasten the dv so that he could legalize his union with OW for sake of children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (how moral)

Sitch now:- 11yo D, needs to see an orthopaedic surgeon next Tuesday. I send XH and e-mail informing him at about this at 5.00pm from work expecting a response in the morning. This morning I open my mail he responded at 7.30pm from his place of work. Seems to be the norm for him now to work late <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He give permission for me to take her to orthopaedic surgeon and low and behold he ask me to in future try and send all e-mails after 5.00pm as this is the time he opens his mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

To me this is a sign that he does not want OW to know about the mail regarding the children that he is receiving from me. She is his secretary and I know she has access to his e-mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My gut is telling me that the grass is starting to turn yellow on the other side. Do I continue with my strict Plan B or do I now start implementing a subtle Plan A. No relationship talk just basically informing him about what the kids are up to.

To date I only communicated with him regarding medical and financial matters no info whatsoever about how well the kids are doing or what is happening in their lives.

What do I do.................. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ginny

I'm sorry I haven't followed all your story so forgive me if some things I say aren't correct/relevant or whatever.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear your divorce became final. I know with mine that even though you have a piece of paper saying you are no longer M'd, it doesn't turn the emotions off. I wish it did truly, wouldn't that be nice and easy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But one thing for sure, it does get easier.

My advice to you is that you are DV'd and your X is still with OW, whether or not he is going to marry her, but why would you change your life in any way whilst you don't know for sure? I would suggest you do Plan Ginny. You know the one? Yes, you do! You look after yourself and your children, you put you and them at the centre of everyting you do. You make yourself the best person you can possibly be and you leave him to get on with his life until such time as you know for sure that the grass IS turning yellow and he comes to tell you so directly. Let's face it, if anyone asked you to get M'd now so soon after your DV you'd laugh in their face. I know it is the wonderful OW, but to me he is admitting that the DV process and separarttion has been tough by saying he wants to get on with his life.

My question to you, is what would the purpose be of a subtle Plan A? How would this help you? Given that you are clearly still experiencing pain and anger (and of course you would), how will it help you? The hard reality is that you are now DV'd. Personally, I wouldn't give him anything until he starts giving you an awful lot more.

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Ginny, as you are divorced, and he was the cause of that divorce, I would continue with the status quo until he makes the first move. Otherwise, you would be perceived as an easy alternative to the OW, w/out the pain and recovery he NEEDS to go through in order to win you back.

Act as if you believed you were precious and worth treating with the highest love, respect and honor. and act accordingly.

Lisa of London

REason why I asked this is that my therapist told me not to close the door on my XH. He feels XH is going through MIL and that he will come to his senses. I on the other hand want to close that door.

Way back in 1983 when XH and I courted we split up after 3 yrs. He was devastated. I left him for another guy. I courted this guy for 3yrs annd when this relationship ended I was on my own for another 3 yrs before XH and I got back together again. So for 6 yrs XH basically concentrated on his studies and his career. No other girlfriends. Whilst I on the other hand tried to find myself.

When we got back together again after 6 yrs, he always told me he never gave up on me but realised that I had to walk the path to find myself.

Now that I am in the sitch everybody is saying keep the door open and I am saying I want to close the door.

Also during that 6yrs that we were apart we avoided each other to the extreme. (Both conflict avoiders). No communication whatsoever.

I have learned how to handle conflict in therapy and now I feel that I am open for communication. Unfortunately, we are dealing with our sitch the exact same way we dealt with it way back then.

This is what is confusing me. I know whilst he is with OW there is absolutely nothing that I can do but do I carry on with my old behaviour of avoiding conflict and communication because that is how he knows me or do I now show him............you know what wahtever comes my way I can now dealth with it and move on.

KA: There is no way that I will allow my XH back into my life now. He has to many issues that he did not deal with.

I feel we have actually outgrown each other over the past two years. The life I am living now is what I always yearned for but did not know that I had to find it myself.

As for him and OW the only time I really get very angry is when they want to interfere in my life and that of the children's. Thus far I have been dealing with this anger on my own or vent here on the board. As for the two of them, I do not interfere.

"Act as if you believed you were precious and worth treating with the highest love, respect and honor. and act accordingly."

I do not act this I believe this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ginny

Thanks for your explanation, that makes it alot clearer for me. However twice you said "I want to close that door".

To me you have answered your own question. Whether your X comes to his senses or not, doesn't to my mind make any difference now. If you feel secure in carrying on as you are then do so. If, further down the line you would like to review the way you are communicating with him because it is important to your children, then do so.

I know how hard it is to go through DV and to come out the other side still feeling relatively intact. You sound more than relatively intact - you sound positvely strong and doing well. I found that the easier my life became was because I had less and less contact with Pound Man (my X, sorry, it helps if I refer to him in cartoon character format <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )and now have no contact at all. Of course, we don't have children of a certain age to worry about.

You have made your decision to close the door, stay with it, and review it only if and when you feel you need to, not because people tell you you should.

In time, if your X is having a MLC and comes back to you full of remorse and claiming his mistake, then decide then if you want to help him as a friend, not at all, or as a potential partner again.

You go for it Ginny - sounds like you are doing great!

Wishing you well from London.
Lisa

Hmmmmmm....

If OW's grass is yellowing ... fertilize and water your grass soooooo it becomes an amazingly bright Irish green lush and tempting carpet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hmmmmmm ...... I'll leave my meaning obscure so you can bring yourself into it.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Lisa: Thanks. As I was typing the thread yesterday I had a light bulb moment and knew that I had answered my own question.

Pep: That is exactly what I am doing. I think I have become so green that I am confusing him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

XH telephone me yesterday at 5.00pm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just as I was about to leave work. Told him I could not speak as I was in a rush to get to lectures. Asked me if he could call back again later. Told him to call back at 8.00pm.

8.00pm sharp the phone rings:

XH: How are you doing...........(First time I heard this in 2 yrs) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

XH: Do you have any idea when the morgage will be transferred into your name..........
I just smiled because he was the one to instruct our atty's to do all the work as he did not want to speak to me..........so why this question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

XH: Are you studying again............
Me: Yes, I went back to my studies in Feb 02.

XH: Where are you now............
Me: At home reading stories to 4yo.

XH: Enjoy your evening
Me: You to have a blessed evening and a good day tomorrow.

Trying not to give him too much info about me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

10 o'clock the evening my 11yo d receives an sms on her cell phone: I know y'r asleep but always remem I love y and miss y. Dad

This whole conversation confused me completely.
For the 1st time in 2yrs we spoke in our own language. OW cannot speak our language, she only speaks English. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Strange how the wheel is turning - When I wanted to communicate he did not now that he wants to communicate I have no desire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 04:11 AM: Message edited by: GinnyF ]</small>