Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
L
Leah2be Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
My H had a full blown affair four years ago. He supposedly has not had any other PA's since that time. He has,however, had other inappropriate involvements with other women since then. He has claimed that these friendships were never physical. He has been back home now for over two years and we're trying to move on.

One other piece of info. before my question. My H has his own business and travels around the country. During his first A, he would meet the OW on his trips.

So my question... would it be wise to ask him to be checked out for STD's before engaging in sex with him again?? We haven't made love very often in the last six months - he's been travelling a lot and just does not appear interested.

I'm afraid he will say I'm being accusatory if I request this. Also, I'm not sure of the benefits because he travels so much and I can never know what takes place on his trips.

It's obvious there is a tremendous lack of trust here. I'm just not sure how to deal with that in light of the potential STD's. I want to have SF in our relationship but I also don't want to be stupid in what could potentially be a dangerous situation.

Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, I could really use help with this whole issue. Thanks.

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,541
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,541
That's a tough one.

If you ask him to be tested you have basically told him you are convinced he is having an affair so you want to protect yourself.

Do you have more than your gut instinct to go by?

Are there ways you could check up on him?

Obviously you don't trust him enough to believe him should you try and talk to him about it. So the questions is want can you do to confirm or deny an affair.

IMO I think you should take strong steps to investigate even flat out spy on him until you get some answers. Its not wrong to check behind a former wayward spouse.

However even though it may seem like you are risking your health, I really don't know how you could demand testing based soley on the fact he has not shown alot of interest and is traveling.

I mean if you really want to put him on the spot you could insist he take a polygraph on whether or not he is having an affair. However that would pretty much be the same as demanding testing.

Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
L
Leah2be Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
Dear Stunned Dad,
Thank you for your response. In answer to your question of whether or not I have more to go on...
He recently had a "friendship" with a former classmate from H.S. Her H was in touch with me, shortly after my H confessed his contact with me.
As far as we know there was no physical contact, just e-mails and phonecalls,and two short visits at her work.

I think what's making me think of the possibility of STD's is that two ladies I know just recently discovered they have them. One was from a recent A her H was involved in. Another, was from a contact on her part years ago.

So... I might just be over-reacting to the potential of something happening here or it might be a valid concern seeings how trust was just recently broken again.

Right now things are relatively smooth at home. Will I be rocking the boat to do anything?

About a investigator... I've checked into that but the cost is tremendous. With my H's given lifestyle, he would need to be followed 24-7.
He could come home tonight and say he'll be travelling across country Monday. He comes and goes a lot and is very random. So, I just never quite know what's happening.

Again, thanks for your help.

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,541
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,541
Spying on him does not necessarily involve hiring a professional.

There is spy software to track hidden emails or email accounts. I am not familar with any of the products but several on the board have posted on spy software so maybe someone can help you there.

There are recording devices of many types that can record a multitude of things. And this includes el cheapo voice activated recorders available at Walmart. You could place them secretly in your husband's car hoping to catch cell phone exchanges by your husband.

If most of his travel is by car there are satellite tracking devices much like On Star that will track where his vehicle went at what time and how long it stayed there. That would show if he is going to different places than he claims or is going there at different times than he is suppose to be there.

Do some web engine searches on affairs and how to detect them. You will find a bunch of helpfull ways to check up on a potential wayward spouse.

Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
Isn't this a catch-22, asking to get checked. Let him know there are some STD's that don't show up for years (and one that has the potential to be linked to cervical cancer) and because of his past you'd like for both of you to get checked. And also some friends came down with STD's and you have a gut feeling someone is trying to tell you something. If he balks...then BIG RED FLAG.

Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
L
Leah2be Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
Stunned Dad - Thanks for the info. I will look into that. I'm not that techno. savy and my H really is. So I'll have to educate myself and be very careful if I go that route.
I've been trying hard to not be obsessed with his behavior but rather to go on with life. So... I'm not sure if this would be the direction I should take but will consider it.

Stillmaking It- Thanks for the response. What you wrote was good. I've been thinking some of the same things. I haven't yet told him about these two other ladies. Maybe the direct route would be the answer. It would be interesting to see what his response would be.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
Leah, get yourself checked. Tell him you're going to get checked because you've found out that some STDs can lie dormant for long periods and you've had a bad fright with finding out about these two ladies. And please do get yourself checked! Whatever he says and regardless of whether or not he goes for tests.

Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
L
Leah2be Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 524
Thanks all...After some thought and prayer, I did ask him to be checked. He responded pretty well. He made an appt. to see DR. in two weeks. We'll see if he keeps it. I appreciate your advice in this direction.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
check out Iopus.com
Its a great computer Spy tool that is invisible even for techy people.

If he's conducting so many of these inappropriate relationship via e-mail and chatting, then you will see instantly what he's up to.

Highly recommended.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 44 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,805
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5