I have known about my W's affair since early July, and have gone back and forth on whether to tell OM's W. On one hand I want the SOB to have to own up for what he has done and I want his wife to know the truth, on the other hand I don't know if I can be the catalyst for putting another person through this devastation. Also, if my W found out (there really is likely no way she wouldn't), it would not be good, as she has said their relationship in not my business, also it would likely cause contact between my W and OP, which I don't want. For the record "no contact" has been in place since my wife revealed the affair and we have both committed to trying to rebuild our relationship and are doing fairly well. What are the opinions out there regarding this?

Well the first thing you do is tell you wife ITS YOUR FRIGGIN BUSINESS!

Because she is your wife unless she chooses to divorce you. Pretty callous attitude on her part.

Secondly I think you should tell so that the OP's W is not left in the dark.

Its not causing devastation....the affair and betrayal is the devastation.

Furthermore if her husband routinely engages in this activity then she is at risk for any number of STD's.

Finally your wife sounds like a child that confesses to breaking something. And swears she has told mommy as well so "no need for you to talk to her dad!"

See what I mean perhaps the main reason she doesn't want the OM's wife to know is because the OM's wife may have knowledge about the affair that you don't. Or she fears that the two of you will compare info and you will finds things were more than she represented.

Not telling is the equivalent of joining them in their conspiracy of silence.

I postponed telling OM's wife for 6 weeks to allow the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays to pass.

Trying,

Absolutely it is your business. It is YOUR MARRIAGE and YOUR LIFE. It is silly to say that a husband doesn't have a right to know what is going on his *OWN* marriage. That IS his life!

Secondly, the OM's wife needs to know what is going on in her life and to whom she is married so she can protect herself and her children from him. She has a right to know this information.

You are NOT the catalyst for the pain. HER HUSBAND has caused the pain, not you. Since your wife and her H won't tell this woman the truth, I think you should tell her as an act of compassion.

If someone were embezzling money from her, you would want her to know, right? It is the same principle. And if she doesn't know she is living with an adulterer she can't very well take steps to protect herself and her children from him.

I shudder to think that she might have picked up an STD from him and hasn't a clue what kind of man to whom she is married. Be a good guy and warn her.

It might temporarily tick off your W, but she will get over it. That is just one of the consequences of having an affair. She and the OM deserve it. However, his wife and kids are innocent by-standers who in no way deserve this. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy someone behind their back.

Please let me clarify something, when I said "as she has said their relationship in not my business" I was talking about OM and his W's relationship, not OM and my W's relationship. Sorry for the confusions.

Regarding STDs, I am pretty confident the OM is not a "player". The A lasted a year and was mostly an EA, so I am not too concerned about that.

From what I do know from my W's last phone conversation with OM (3 days after D-day), he had told a friend (who is a psychologist) and his mother and was not sure if he was going to tell his W. So I guess my question is, IF he is recommitted to his marriage and family, and assuming his wife and children are currently happy people, and the A is over, should I be the one to bring forth information that will likely negatively alter OM's W's and OM children's lives forever? Because, sometimes I wish my W had figured out a way to end the A and get me to meet the needs OM was meeting, without telling me of the A, then I wouldn't be living in this hell right now.

Believe me, I in no way am concerned about the OM, I wish he would burn in hell; my whole dilemma is on what it will do to the OM's W and kids.

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Trying Very Hard ]</small>

I am not sure it was a good idea for me to call OW's H. The real truth came out, but does it really matter? My H was treating me badly even without the A, and -- as a matter of fact -- he still is. I would say that one reason why your W doesn't want you to call is there may be something that has not come to light for you OR there is better potential for reconnection in the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Trying Very Hard:
<strong>So I guess my question is, IF he is recommitted to his marriage and family, and assuming his wife and children are currently happy people, and the A is over, should I be the one to bring forth information that will likely negatively alter OM's W's and OM children's lives forever?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trying, he is not recommitted if he has not been honest with her. Their marriage really doesn't stand a chance if pertinent facts about her life and to whom she is married are wrongly withheld from her. Her ignorance is also an added threat to your marriage, because as long as he NEVER has to address the issues that led to this affair, a repeat affair is very likely. If not with your wife, someone else's.

It is also much easier for your W and the OM to reconnect as long as the OM W doesnt' know. With both BS's being aware, it much harder.

Her life has already BEEN negatively altered by the affair, but she is not aware of it yet. Telling her the truth would be a POSITIVE thing, not a negative thing. The problem will likely continue until she is made aware of it and he takes steps to prevent it from happening again. You would not only be doing her a kindness by telling her, but protecting the husband and children of his next girlfriend.

She probabaly has no idea that she needs to protect herself from him because no one will tell her the truth. It is cruel and manipulative of her H to withhold pertinent facts from her about HER life.

Perhaps she wouldn't choose to live with an adulterer? That choice has been denied her because a liar has decided what is "best for her." [the least qualified person in this whole scenario]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please let me clarify something, when I said "as she has said their relationship in not my business" I was talking about OM and his W's relationship, not OM and my W's relationship. Sorry for the confusions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is not your business? When you know someone has been harmed behind their back it is always your business to warn them. If her bookkeeper was embezzling money from her, you would warn her, right? Or would say, its not my business, I don't want to hurt her? As a compassionate human being, it is always your business when someone is being destroyed.

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Here is what Harley says about it:

“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

<small>[ September 12, 2003, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This paragraph really stood out to me in relation to this situation. This poor woman probably wrongly trusts her H because no one will tell her the truth about the kind of man she is living with. That undeserved trust only serves to further jeopardize her security.

Trying one other thing. Telling her will increase the chances the OP will not do this again. Will not inflict the same pain you have felt on someone else and their spouse.

My wife's OP was a serial cheater and sexual predator with over a dozen prior affairs.

When I told his wife she knew of only a few and those were supposedly almost 10 years back.

She kicked him out and threatened to file for divorce.

For whatever reason this prompted him to get into therapy and he has been going to therapy for 9 months now.

So my telling may put an end to a sick man's routine. It hopefully will mean there will not be another dozen women and their families ravaged by an affair in the future.

I'm a firm believer in telling. Only the truth shall set you free. Why should you be forced to carry someone else's burden? That poor other person may be living a clueless life as to what is really going on. They may know something is amiss in their relationship but not entirely sure.

Your WS will tell you ANYTHING they can to keep their fantasy life going on. Of course they don't want you to intrude and create any disturbances. Shoot, my WW has told me "he is a good guy" even though he has a 3month old who he didn't take into consideration before this happened.

I waited 3 weeks before telling the OM's W. I waited because I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons and not for revenge. I had too much compassion to not tell her and didn't want to have to live with it the rest of my life. I am glad I did it. Best of luck!