OK, I'm at lunch. An acquaintance is collecting names and cash for a baby shower. She asks as she collects from me: "What is your name?" I look up politely and say, "Annamaria," surprised that she has forgotten. She pauses. "What is your last name?" "Martin," I say politely, but firmly.

Now I am getting pressure about my name! (This isn't the first time, only the most brutal and public...) This is my professional name, which I've established all over the country! A woman just can't change her name everytime her H is unfaithful!

Having stripped me of my marriage, my home, my family -- now they are trying to take my name!

Is there a better way to deal with this? Maybe OW wants to start using it!

Yo, A.M. Deeeeeeep calming breath. Remember, not everyone is in your head and thinking along with you. Here's my take on the acquaintance's thought processes:

"Hm. A.M.'s here. If I get her name wrong on the card, I'm going to feel bad. I know she's pretty well known with this name, but she's also had a really hard time, and she may want to leave it behind because it's a reminder of her married life. Hm. Which one do I think it is? Hm. Well, I really don't know. I guess I'll ask her to be safe."

Oh, alright, I'll chill. But it seems a little tactless.

Well, yeah, but then again, there are some things that are really hard to approach in a tactful way. For example, "Yo, A.M., did you keep that creep's name or go back to your parents' name?" would probably have been worse.

Or, "Uh, about the whole 'Martin' thing. Don't you think you should lose that? It fits you like a bad hairdo."

Or (from someone whose last name is Smith), "Dude! You kept 'Martin'??? Why not change it to something catchy, like 'Smith'?"

I hope you're laughing now, even though these are Very Lame Attempts to get you to do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, J.

Well, I'd say, why not assume I'll make any changes I find necessary, and announce them, as in, "Put my name, Annamaria Smith, on the card." Or "By the way, I'm going by Smith now."

I did have a friend announce me at a dinner triumphantly by my maiden name, as if this would be pleasing to me. It wasn't. I can no more go back to the person I was than I can recover my maidenhead.

A real marriage changes one -- one can't go back to the same place in a river. Until about 50 years ago, this was the universal opinion. People putting pressure on you to change your name -- especially if it's the name people around the world now know you by -- seems to me like another terrible stripping of my life. I wish they'd stop... I don't think I'll be more "real" or "free" if I cast off my wedding ring and reject my name. (I'd be more "free," however, if someone picked up the utility bills.)

It's funny, J., I know my friends would respect me more if I took up with a 25-year-old wrestler. The fact that I'm NOT screwing anyone, and have turned down offers, somehow makes me weird and retro. I'm "holding on" to the past, I'm not "moving on." I'm just trying to maintain a little dignity in a situation that has little. And keep my self-respect, though people keep trying to rip it from me with the attempts to help me "reinvent" myself in a very superficial way.

They keep telling me my H has "moved on" -- but what's the difference between "moving on" and "running away"?

You are "moving on" .... but , the direction you are headed is just too classy for some people to actually appreciate!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

A.M.M,

I imagine it was an awkward moment for your friend also. Maybe she thinks you are divorced - and that you consequently might have changed your name.

Maybe, just maybe, she forgot your name and knows nothing about your H carrying on with another woman.

I forget people's names all the time. I wish I didn't, but I do. Sometimes I see somebody I know and will act like I didn't see them because I can't force my brain to spit out the name. The other day, I ran into a man I used to work with. We stood in front of a store and talked for 20 minutes. He called me by name several times, just as we parted, his name popped into my head and I was able to say "Send me an email if you want to meet for lunch, Ted."

-AD

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>You are "moving on" .... but , the direction you are headed is just too classy for some people to actually appreciate!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had said that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-AD

Thanks, all. Actually, AD, the woman knew perfectly well who I was. And she knows very well that H is with OW. She is kind of tactless, so I guess this is to be expected.

Yes, everyone kind of assumes we are divorced. I wouldn't be surprised if OW starts using his name. It's easier than getting married!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, J.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're welcome. And I do hope you laughed. As for why people are doofuses? Well, that's a question that's worthwhile, but which will never have a full answer. Personally, I prefer to contemplate what I'm going to throw away next. I'm thinking it might be time to tackle the picture albums. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did have a friend announce me at a dinner triumphantly by my maiden name, as if this would be pleasing to me. It wasn't. I can no more go back to the person I was than I can recover my maidenhead.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*sigh* People are just... silly sometimes. Me included, I suspect. There's a great deal of power invested in a person's name, a great deal of their sense of self and individuality. I don't know whether I would go back to my maiden name if I were able to. I've had this same name for my whole life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A real marriage changes one -- one can't go back to the same place in a river. Until about 50 years ago, this was the universal opinion. People putting pressure on you to change your name -- especially if it's the name people around the world now know you by -- seems to me like another terrible stripping of my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I'd say that it sounds like it's more about a loss of yet more control over your own existence than it is about what name you use. Thhere's a huge difference between making your own decision (whether to keep the name, go back to your maiden name, or head off into Smithville) and having yet more decisions that you don't want thrust upon you willy-nilly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish they'd stop... I don't think I'll be more "real" or "free" if I cast off my wedding ring and reject my name. (I'd be more "free," however, if someone picked up the utility bills.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You'll be more free when you take the steps that you believe are right (morally, ethically, emotionally, spiritually) to create the you that you want to be.

Personally, I want to be six feet tall, so I'm now sleeping on the rack and have this little dwarf who tightens it a little more every hour while I'm asleep.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's funny, J., I know my friends would respect me more if I took up with a 25-year-old wrestler. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's simple, from my point of view. You haven't found the -right- 25yo wrestler. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My own friends have treated me with all the love and kindness they can find in their hearts. One of them, as I was trying to express how hard it is to describe my marital state (separated? divorced? not speaking to each other?) suggested that "wounded" is the best possible term.

Taking up with a wrestler, while occasionally enticing, would only distract me from the real things I need to do -- creating emptiness, and contemplating how to add to that emptiness when I am ready to do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fact that I'm NOT screwing anyone, and have turned down offers, somehow makes me weird and retro. I'm "holding on" to the past, I'm not "moving on." I'm just trying to maintain a little dignity in a situation that has little. And keep my self-respect, though people keep trying to rip it from me with the attempts to help me "reinvent" myself in a very superficial way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you're on the right track, A.M. Stillness, peace, tranquility, dignity, respect. There is no substitute for a re-examined life, and taking the time to heal.

And if people keep bugging you, tell 'em you're working on a tell-all expose of the escapades that you and Donald Trump had while Ivanna wasn't looking. (Iew. Worse than a wrestler!)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They keep telling me my H has "moved on" -- but what's the difference between "moving on" and "running away"?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And even more importantly, they have absolutely no idea what's going on in your H's head. No matter who's talking to him and what they see or hear, they don't know what he does when he's alone. They don't know whether he cries or pouts or laughs or dreams or remembers or grieves.

And no matter what he's doing, it's not about him any more. It's about you and what you need to do to protect yourself, heal, recover, and grow.