I'm not too sure how this works, but here goes... I recently found out my husband had an affair for 4 months with a friend of his. He said he turned to her b/c he was so unhappy in our marriage. I never knew of his feelings b/c he never communicated with me. We are now separated b/c he's confused as to what he really wants. He said he doesn't want to be with the other woman, but he can't forget about her. He misses her friendship most of all. He's so depressed that he doesn't know how to be happy and doesn't know if he wants our marriage to continue. I don't know what to do. I want nothing more than our marriage to have a second chance. He said he's willing to go to a marriage counselor, but i'm not so sure he really is. Right now we're living apart and it's very difficult. Am i supposed to just be patient until he makes up his mind? I know that during this time I may change my mind and discover that I've gone through enough hurt and don't want to take the chance of getting hurt again. All i know is that I love him very much and it just hurts really bad that he can't figure out what he wants.

Dear QB,

You said you love your husband...so fight for your marriage. If he said he will go to counseling, then gooooooooo. Don't worry about whether he really means it or not, just do it and work from there. It will be hard to forgive and trust again...but this is the man you vowed to stay committed to forever and made that promise in front of God. So, do all you can to make it work. Tell your H that although you are hurt, you want your marriage to work and will do all you can to make that happen.

I also recommend the book His Needs/Her Needs. Work through it together if your husband agrees to, and if not read it on your own. You are not to blame for his straying....he is responsible for his actions and for not communicating his needs to you. But now you can take advantage of this time to find out what his needs are and dedicate yourself to meeting them.

But please...do not just sit by and wait to see if it works out. Take the initiative and make it work.

Blessings to you.

Queen,

As it was said to you by DIR, go to a marriage counselor (MC), but please find one that is pro marriage like Steve or Jennifer or anyone in your area that knows the MB (marriage builders) and Dr. Harley's principles.

Beleive me, you don't want to find out how a bad MC can literally destroy your marriage. If you can't afford Steve or Jennifer, read the book recommended to you by DIR, learn the concepts and act on them. Ask your H to read them as well and if he agrees, this may start your recovery.

I am assuming that you H is in withdrawl from his A partner. It is crucial for you to understand what he is going through. The books will help you. Read "Surviving an Affair" (SAA) as soon as possible. Any decisions you may take have to be well informed. The books (and this message board) will help you see where your marriage is. Don't stop posting and asking questions. Don't wait for him to make up his mind, take the initiative NOW!!!

Good luck,

BigStar

Go to Marriage Counceling! We went the day after I found out about the affair, and it is what kept us from getting separated. Staying in the same house helped save our marriage. Please give your marriage a try if you love your spouse. Read the Harley's books and go to counseling. I go to individual and we go to MC - it really helps. We both have also read all the Harley's books and listened to some of their tapes too. There is a lot of good info on this web sit too!