I doubt there are too many people here who recognize my name. I have been here since Feb. but have been mostly lurking, not much posting.

I'll give a quick rundown of my story before I get into my decision. Started having problems with my wife around Oct/Nov of last year. She was constantly going out with her girlfriends or always on the phone while at home. Found out late March that my wife had a one night stand with one of her girlfriends (she doesn't talk to this girl anymore, one of the few things that I'm positive of). I asked her to leave for a few days then asked her to come home, but she didn't and eventually got her own place where she is still at now. Throughout this time until a couple of months ago, my wife was also using drugs and drinking alot but also confessed this to me a couple of months ago and said she quit. My daughter has remained home with me the whole time.

Fast forward to the present. I am at the point now where I don't have anything left in me. I have been making progress focusing on myself. I have quit drinking (which I know was a problem), I am working on quitting smoking, and I am working on getting my Christian life back in order.

Right now I have come to the decision that I will be filing for divorce in about a month (I have to wait for some contract money I have coming to me first). Many things have led to this decision. My wife has become such a selfish person it is like she is a totally different person. In the 6 months since she has been gone, she has only had our daughter overnight about 5 or 6 times and only sees her once maybe twice a week.

While talking to my wife about a week ago, a couple of things that she said to me have led to my decision as well. She told me that she did not want a divorce because it is too final. She also said that she does not consider us together so if she was to date someone it would not be cheating. I asked her if she was or had been seeing someone. She said no. Later she said that if she was she wouldn't want to tell me but would if I asked. These things that she said make me feel like Mr. Safetynet for her and I will not allow myself to be Mr. Safetynet.

My biggest concern and fear with my decision is my daughter. She is very young right now, but I am afraid of the effect that it will have on her through her like as she grows up.

There aren't too many people who I am able to talk to these things about, so any advice or support would be nice.

Just wanted to add a couple of things. There are alot of things that I know that I did that led to the poor shape of our marriage. I have addressed these issues in my life and apologized to my wife for them. My wife had thought that I had cheated on her last fall, but I hadn't. She did not let me know about her assumptions until this past summer. I am sad and embarrassed that I ever put myself into a position that even caused my wife to think that.

Trying -

A friend of mine says something that it really apropos here: "More information will be revealed."

You know some of what's going on, but not all. It sounds like your wife is going through some very difficult times, and it's probably wise to put some boundaries in place and to make sure that your daughter is protected. So, while I'm not sure that a divorce is the right action, I do think that speaking to a lawyer about a formal separation, obtaining an appropriate custody agreement for your daughter, and making sure that your finances are not hurt by your wife's actions, is a very good idea.

This isn't a divorce site, it's a site about recovering and building marriages. You, and many of the others here, can't work on your marriage right now. You can work on yourself, and it sounds like you're doing that. Keep going. In addition to the legal advice, I would also suggest that you get some marital and drug abuse counseling.

I would say that you should believe NONE of what your wife says right now. Is she using drugs? Yes. Is she drinking too much? Yes. Is she sleeping with other people? Yes. Is she in deep, deep emotional trouble and very, very confused? Yes.

You can't rescue her from any of that. There are a lot of people here who are much more knowledgeable than I am about drug and alcohol abuse, and I hope some of them post to you. I'd suggest that you find an Al Anon meeting and start talking to people there, too.

You have a long road ahead of you, but it sounds like you've made thoughtful decisions so far. Keep it up.

Thanks for the reply. I have been attending AA meetings for myself for a few weeks now. My own problem had been drinking too much; never into drugs.

I think that the hardest part for me right now is if my wife is seeing someone I do not even want her back. I can live with a stupid mistake that she made, but I can't live with a willful decision to date someone else to see if she is in love with me.

Unfortunately, I am starting to think of divorce as well. And while I will hate the fact that our daughter will not grow up with her father, I have to take care of myself, too. As long as we love our babies, they will be okay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbc:
<strong>Unfortunately, I am starting to think of divorce as well. And while I will hate the fact that our daughter will not grow up with her father, I have to take care of myself, too. As long as we love our babies, they will be okay.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a difficult decision to come to. I know for myself, I have held on to hope throughout all of this that things would turn around, but I feel that I am at the point now where I don't feel any hope anymore. I love my daughter and would do anything for her, but I fear the effect not having a mother around will have on her. My daughter is one of the main reasons why I have held on thus far.

I'd be interested to hear from some FWS's to get their opinion on what goes through the mind of a WS. I do not understand my wife at all. For example, she wants to go and get family pictures done. I don't understand that. What family?