I was steered to this site by a former poster's family. I'll just get to the point and hope that I can recieved some feedback on how I can stop myself before I commit a huge mistake!

I am a newlywed. I was married last December, 9 months ago. I am struggling with many emotions, most not very good ones. I love my husband dearly. I really do. I want my marriage to work. I am struggling with how to deal with all the stuff that is now happening in my life.

My husband was married before for 16 years. They have been divorced for 5 years. My H and his ex do not even like being around each other. His adult daughter hates me - she tells me she dislikes me soley because her father remarried. She went on to say that it didn't matter if it was me, she would "hate" anyone he married. His 16 y/o son likes me and we have custody of him. Since we married, the ex-w now wants custody of her son, and we have been back and forth to mediations, court appointed psychologists, lawyers, courtrooms etc. I'm so tired of it all.

I cannot believe that these two adult parents could not "co-parent" one kid together without all this bickering. All of this turoil began the day after our wedding and has continued non-stop since. I am completely miserable. I have been very honest with my husband with my feelings. He says he cannot control what his ex wants to do. It's almost like she's enjoying the chaos this is causing us.

Here's where my problem comes in...I have been finding myself wanting and needing attention from a man who works for our company in a different location. He comes to our property at work several times per week and I actually am flirting with him. Last week, while on a job walk with him, he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I actually enjoyed it. I know it's WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! I know that. But some of me wants to continue this behavior. I think I feel this is my escape from the misery in my home life. I wish my husband's past would go away. It's interesting to note that this woman, the ex wife, never bothered us in the slightest until we got married. Now it's a whole different story.

I really, really would appreciate someone giving me some perspective on how to get myself focused back on my marriage. I do love my husband. I just hate my "life" right now.

Mia

Mia,

I am going to ask you a few questions.

How do you feel having an affair would help your marriage situation?

How do you feel having a divorce will make your life easier and more "fun"?

How do you feel cheating on your H will help the family situation?

So let's add a little perspective to this. You probably think it is morally wrong to have an affair. Right? You probably think it will hurt your H alot if you have an affair, right? And you probably don't want out of the marriage? You have only been married a short time.

So the question to ask yourself is WHAT DO I WANT?

Is it the exW out of your life? Won't happen because you are helping raise her son, and it bothers her. However, there is good news: he is 16, and he will be out of the house in 2 years so exW will be out of the picture as well.

AS for your H's older daughter, you need to understand something: THIS IS HER CHOICE. It has nothing to do with you. She sounds young for her age and she will grow up, so treat her with grace, courtesy, and dignity (whether she deserves it or not) and you will be giving this messed up young lady a more important lesson than her parents apprently gave her.

So, that leaves you to deal with right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, I would really like you to read His Needs Her Needs by Harley. Normally I would recommend that you read Surviving an Affair, but I think in your case you need to read the other book first.

Learn about YOUR needs, and then see if your H will read the book and learn about his needs. I am guessing that you need more attention from your H, DUH! and you need to tell him how you are feeling. Talk with him about setting boundaries for your marriage, for you two interacting, and for handling the situation with your step son.

Read here about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, it is simply negotiating to a point on any topic that you BOTH are satisfied and in agreement. Don't agree to something you are NOT in agreement with.

So I offer you not so much advice but home work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Answer the questions I asked for yourself. Then do some reading of the articles here, get that book and read it. It is easy to read and I think once you start reading it alot of bells are going to go off in your head.

I would definitely stay away from this man, and if you must be around him do it in a crowd. I would go home and have a deep heart to heart with your H, and tell him your focus is drifting and you are finding other men attractive. He needs to know there are issues.

Finally, Mia I think you need to realize that you are being targeted by your step daughter and exW. They would like nothing better than to see you leave your H, or have an affair on your H. To breakup the marriage and to hurt your H. You are playing right into their hands right now. I strongly recommend that you pay attention to the following saying.

"The best revenge is a life well lived."

You and your H make a good marriage out of this and you will put both exW and step daughter in their rightful places.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PLEASE leave your husband before you have an affair. You just cannot imagine the pain an affair causes for everyone. Yes, your husband needs a wake up call. He may not be able to control his ex-wife, but he can control how he reacts to her. He needs to take care of you first.
Tell him you are attracted to someone else, but don't do anything about it. You do not want to put yourself through this -- believe me.

Are you able to express your concerns with your Husband? I know, it's probably like rehashing the old news over and over...but you both can be a rampart in the storm, and can bring you closer.

This drama right now will probably dissipate over time, it is new because the ex feels betrayed.

Seeking attention from a coworker is exciting, but guilt-ridden, and this double-edge sword hurts worse on the other side (and hurts many more people too).

Want to lose the 16 year old? This is the way to do it.

Talk with your Husband about your dying love, tell him what you want from him. Give him the opportunity to love you. And be honest...tell him about the kiss and your wants. I know, sounds crazy, he'll trust you MORE after you tell him.

Oh my gosh-- what quick responses!

Pepperband - I do not wish to be an adulteress!! I'm not blaming what I've done on anyone else. I don't believe I wrote that anywhere in my initial summary. I was just merely stating what has been happening in my life as a general synopsis. I know I have 100% control over what I've done. I also know I have 100% control over what I choose to do in the future. I want a future WITH my husband in it. While I didn't back away from that kiss, (it was more of a peck) I didn't instigate it. It caught me off guard. I should have turned my head or something. I can't honestly tell you where my logic was.

Just Learning - I read and re-read your reply and am very appreciative that you took the time out to really help. You asked some very good questions of me. And you actually said something that my own logic has told me...my stepson will only be with us for a couple of more years. Then he'll be off to college. My stepdaughter is 20 years old and well, she's more of a challenge and teamed togehter with her mom, it's a bigger problem. I have talked with my husband about how I'm feeling but I have not ever mentioned anything about this event. I can't hurt him when I know he's in his own turmoil with this custody issue right now.

IBC - I do not plan on, nor want to divorce my husband. I came here because I know how I'm feeling is not healthy for my marriage to grow. I know that.

I am trying hard to just understand how I got here... how did a woman whose divorce was finalized over 5 years ago all of a sudden take such a drastic interest in making her ex-husband miserable? I think Just Learning is right when it was said that stepdaugher and mom would love to see us unhappy. I just want to know "why".. I could understand her feelings if I had been the cause of her divorce, but heck, I relocated to this state 3 years ago, long after they were separated and divorced.

Thanks again for the replies. I really appreciate it.

Mia

ibc:

"Tell him you are attracted to someone else, but don't do anything about it. You do not want to put yourself through this -- believe me."

Mia needs 2 tell him this AND that she's flirted with him at work and he's kissed her and she liked it.

Believe me, I wish that just "warning" him like you suggest would be just the slap across the face that wakes him up 2 the problems she's facing, but I can almost guarantee it won't. I was told this over 12 years ago, and I didn't wake up either. If my W had told me that she and RM had been physical, I sure would have woken up back then. As it was, I was scared $hi++less that, if I told her not 2 see this person (she didn't even tell me who it was), she'd see him out of spite. I thought that by "trusting her" 2 make the right decision, I was doing the best I could and that the "problem" would just go away.

Nothing less than complete disclosure is going 2 work for Mia's H. He needs 2 take charge of how he deals with his X and their son, and he has 2 be firm with her that Mia is the #1 woman in his life right now and he won't tolerate her efforts 2 disrupt their M.

-2long

Mia,

The why is easy. You are a target of opportunity. I can only speculate on how your H's first marriage ended and why, but usually the exW may still have feelings for him OR she just really hates him. In either case you are the target, because it will get to him.

You said something else that I though I would addresss </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My stepdaughter is 20 years old and well, she's more of a challenge and teamed togehter with her mom, it's a bigger problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she is not a challenge. She isn't your problem at all. If she "hates" you then tell her to go talk to someone else about it. If she wants to have a conversation, you will be happy to. Again, handle it with grace, but firm grace with boundaries about what you will accept, BUT never threaten her. No or elses, just deal with her in the appropriate manner. But, you WILL need your H's help on this. I will discuss this at the end of second quote.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have talked with my husband about how I'm feeling but I have not ever mentioned anything about this event. I can't hurt him when I know he's in his own turmoil with this custody issue right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H needs to know what is going on. It IS part of the custody issues. It is part of what he is dealing with, and he needs to support YOU and help protect you from a little girl who cannot separate the cause of her pain, from a convenient but misguided target. So talk with and do it now.

At your stepson's age, I am surprised that he doesn't get a choice in this matter. If he does, then it is very important that your H know about his daughter's behavior. It is part of the whole picture that his lawyer will need to have.

Oh! and for why she has started custody now. It seems to be something that is very common when an ex remarries. Has nothing to do with you, just simply revenge and the thought of another person helping raise the child. Sort of a protective response, and pure jealousy. This is why your H needs to know.

What you haven't figured out yet, is that if you tell your H these things, then the two of you can sit down and decide on an action for YOU to take that he will support. That actually relieves him of some stress, AND it relieves you from feeling powerless.

You are only 9 months into this, and it will take awhile for all parties concerned to accept that YOU are going to be in the picture. You need to talk to your H and really open up about what you feel, what you need, AND how you will support him. That last role is something I think will help you and your H a lot if it gets defined with regard to boundaries of behavior for stepdaughter, exW, your H, and you.

You need things from him and he needs you badly. Time for you to be a W, not just someone looking for a good time. I am not being harsh here, but marrying into a family with children takes some adjustment, and you have to give it time and be strong for your H. Running around checking other guys out, is not helping anyone in this mess, least of all YOU.

Keep thinking about this. I am sure if and when you talk with your H, a lot more things will become clear. Oh! and listen to 2Long. His language is 2 messed up for words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but he does know what he is talking about.

God Bless,

JL

Lil Mia,

You wrote:

"I know I have 100% control over what I've done. I also know I have 100% control over what I choose to do in the future."

You are right in that you have 100% control over what you've done, but if you continue letting this OM meet your emotional needs, you won't have control over what you do. You may have read about the "fog" that an affairs pulls you in, but until it happens to you or someone you know, you have no idea what you are dealing with. You will become powerless and become addicted to this OM if you don't end things now--complete separation, no contact. Simple. Yes, I know you are going through a rough time now, but it will be worse if you let this go on. Enough said on that...

Now, once you have totally gone no contact, its time to work on your husband. You have to "kick him in the head", so to speak, so he will listen to you. It took my W's affair to wake me up! Your husband needs to know how you are feeling and needs to start meeting your needs. In same fashion, you need to meet his needs. Someone suggested reading the book, His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. Great book. Get it, read it. Have your husband read it. Get your marriage on track now. Hopefully you will get things worked out now and avoid more pain in the future...

If I sound a little harsh, I'm sorry. I just hope you can avoid the pain of an affair. It's no fun, trust me...

BS(ME) 38
WW 36
D's 13 & 16
D-DAY 3JUL03
WW MOVED IN WITH OM 16JUL03
NOW IN PLAN B

First of all, thanks to all of you who have offered some great advise..now, with that said, I took a deep breath and took some of that advise and had a long conversation with my H. I told him the whole truth. I told him about the co-worker, being drawn into that kiss (peck) and that I liked it. Dear god, I wish I could have hit rewind and taken it all back. The look on his face was like I had killed him. I hurt him. He is angry. He told me I broke our marriage vows. He told me he needs to think before he acts because if he goes solely on emotions, he would ask me to leave. All of this over a stupid kiss.

Through many, many tears I did manage to mumble about how I felt with all the turmoil going on with this custody thing. The frustration I feel. How I come home from work and feel like I should just be a piece of furniture because no one has the basic decency to acknowledge that I'm even there. I bared my soul basically about how miserable I've been feeling and his response is that no matter what outside issues are going on, that didn't give me the right to betray him.

I wish I had never come here and took this drastic honesty measure. I already felt bad when first came here.. now I feel worse.

Mia

Now you feel worse ... because you are experiencing the consequenses of your actions.... what you did hurt your H. (sucks, doesn't it?)

My strong suggestion is that you invite your H here to MB boards....

You never said you had the "right to betray him" .... he is not listening ....

Opening up honestly was the best thing ... because you will either find out if your H has the right stuff to make you HIS WIFE and PARTNER ... and not a piece of furniture.

This will pass .... get him to come to MB and post under his own screen name.

Pep

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Mia,

Ok, let's climb down off of the ledge just a moment OK?

Let's look at facts NOT feelings.
1. You did not sleep with this man.
2. You had not entered into an emotional affair with this man.
3. Yes, kissing (peck) was inappropriate and you know it and you told your H about it.
4. You are stressed out and he needs to help you address these issues.

Which of those facts suggests that you have betrayed him?? NONE. You came to the edge and you backed off and told him.

You may feel down right now but you are about to find out who you are married to: a man with a heart and a desire to work on a marriage, OR a man with little or no heart and no willingness to work on the marriage.

At 9 months you need to find this out now. You can have the marriage ended or annuled. OR you and your H can build a better and stronger union. He has choices and so do you.

Another fact, you were wavering and there were reasons some having to do with him, and some very clearly having to do with you. Address YOUR reasons, and set your boundaries with him about what you will accept as far as behavior and tell him.

You have done what virtually any BS or WS here would have told you to do: stop before you did something reallly wrong, and be honest with your spouse. IF he doesn't understand that, he is a fool, and the reason he was single may be a lot more clear to you.

You DID NOT do the wrong thing by telling him. You should expect to see some emotions, if he loves you. You should expect to see him calm down and start to process what you have told him in a few days. Give this time and have patience. You are about to learn alot about the man you married.

Hang in there, and keep posting.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL and Pep,

I have a lot of "stuff" to deal with right now. Next court date is this Friday and I had planned on going with my H as his support. Maybe he won't want me there? Well, at the moment, he's not even looking at me.

I'm a bit overwhelmed so I'm going to take some time to think before I post again. We are both very unhappy people right now.

Mia

I am the BS and found out about my WW's affair after she contracted HSV from the OM and infected me. Kissing, flirting and allowing someone to kiss you is not acceptable period! You need to either leave your husband or end all contact with this man. The pain that I have gone through following D-day is beyond description and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. All that this other man wants is to use you for sex. He will say anything it takes and lie to you to get you into the sack. Do not allow yourself to become his wh*re.

We didn't suggest honesty because we wanted to torture you or get some sick revenge (although it may appear that way, there are quite a few betrayed spouses on this site). We suggested this because through total honesty you have the key to make a stronger and more fulfilling marriage!

DO tell him about this site...especially the emotional needs questionnaires.
I get the feeling your talk opened the door to telling him some things you are unhappy about...something you had not felt the "right" or the energy to do before. He's not listening because he can't get the kiss out of his head. Those Emotional Needs have to start being met, or it is possible this will happen again.

DO write to him...he won't talk? OK, but he will read. My FWH and I communicated through letters for weeks before we could talk again. It helped, no loud voices.

DO read...Surviving the Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and other Harley books. Read everything on this site.

DON'T be sorry you were honest. It would be worse if he found out on his own...beleive me.

Still Here...

You said something that is very true... I have not communicated to my H how I'm really feeling (stressed, miserable, etc.) because I do feel that I have "no right" to bring this us while he's struggling with his own issues about custody right now. I just feel so shut out and left out.

We all went out to dinner last night. I tried to hold his hand and he moved his hands into a crossed position accross his chest. I told him " I love you, we need to talk" and he ignored me. Actually, he ignore me throughout all of dinner.

I don't know. I've ruined our relationship. I want my husband to want me and need me as his wife. My heart is praying but my mind just laughs...

Mia

JL? Any words of wisdom?

Expressing yourself in a marriage can be very stressful. The things we care about most ar ethe topics we can't bear to bring up because we're afraid of getting shut out/rejected.

So, your worst fears are being realized.
That's why I suggested writing a long, long letter. Include in it everything you haven't been able to tell him...about your hopes/fears/wants. You can leave it in the morning so you don't have to face him for hours later. Or leave it for him, and go out.

Tell him aobut your fears about the situation you're currently in (fear that he's going to leave) and about the custody hearing (fear he's sorry he got married). Your feelings of neglect and lack of love. Your promises for the future. Your hope that he would admire your honesty. And your hopes for how this will work out...what kind of marriage you would like to have.

Has your H found this site yet?

Mia,

I like StillHere's advice about the letter. I think you just need to be patient with him. I suspect he thinks there is more than there was, and given the stress of the custody hearing, he cannot address both things at once.

I am sure he is hurt, and I suspect he KNOWS he hasn't supported you as he should. Finally, I would bet a lot of money he doesn't know how to address this "near miss". Now you cannot educate him, but you might suggest that you have found resources that you have found useful and that offer guidance in dealing with these situations.

I would consider taking him to the book store and you/he accidently discoverying His Needs Her Needs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sometimes us guys can be sort of conniving too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, writing the letter will help you, and eventually help him as well. But give it time. You be the calm one right now, and even if he doesn't want to lean on you, be there calm, willing to talk about: custody, marriage, feelings, whatever.

I think in a day or so you will have a better handle on how to proceed.

God Bless,

JL

Mia:

Since I was one that recommended you tell your H everything, let me also say that I would have been far, far better of than I am now if my W had done what you just did, 12 years ago!

I probably would have been as hurt as your H is now, but I can tell you that, even though he has no clue at this point, he is far less hurt than he would be if you'd had an A and either told him about it after it was over or he found out about it on his own. I can't even begin 2 describe just how horrible that feels.

The next few weeks will be very rough for both of you, but you have the best chance you ever could have had by telling him what has happened now.

I will continue 2 send good thoughts in your direction.

Please take care,
-2long