DO A GREAT PLAN A: Steve H. called it MY PLAN. I tried to figure out what ENs that I was not addressing in my marriage. I worked on these problems. Making these changes was mainly good for me as a person but it also has been an essential ingredient in my marrige today. These changes have become a part of me so that now that my H is back it is not forced. It is natural for me to to to the gym, watch what I eat, cook dinner for the family, consider his POV, give him attention, etc. These are some of the things that I was not doing prior to D-Day. OF course, I am not perfect. The fact that I am doing enough of these things compensates for my weak points. What I have not been able to accomplish continues to be our primary marital problems. The point is WORK ON YOUR PLAN.

ACCEPT THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY NEED TO GO TO PLAN B: Folks on here told me this but I did not want to believe it. For my H, the A was too addictive for PLAN A to be enough. But true to the Harley text, he has told me that PLAN A caused him to think about me a lot while he was with her. Even if he did not want to, he remembered the me that I was during my PLAN A.

THE MORE TIME WS SPENDS WITH OP, THE BETTER:This is what I'm repeatedly hearing form FWS. Prior to PLAN B, they mainly met on the weekends, maintaining the fantasy. When I was out of the picture, he really got to know her. Luckily in my case, she seems to be a nutty, alcoholic. He cant'find too many good things to say about her as a real person. She was lots of fun but day-to-day she was not able to do the job of wifey that he needs to make it. Add my SF, physical attractiveness, domestic stuff during PLAN A, he's in love with me again. She's not meeting his needs. He's left addicted to her, hoping and wishing for the drug to take effect again. Let me know if I'm not making this clear because it is an important point.

WS DOES NEED A ROAD MAP BACK HOME: This is the transition piece that we have been talking about in my thread towards the end of the A. My WS stated that he wanted to end the A and come home months ago but need to feel that there was a way out FOR HIM. If there was not a way out, he thinks he would have given up and stayed in his mess. I would imagine that the WAY OUT will look different for different people. For him, he wanted a nice place to stay. A refuge continues to be important to him. Also, he is very proudful and needed to be sure that he would not be humiliated by me, my family or kids. This can be spelled out specifically in one or more PB letters. I wrote a couple of letters, I think, My FWS referred back to those. Also, I opened up lines of communication in the end regarding my terms of reconciliation.

HANGING IN THERE WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON: Regardless of the outcome of this for me, I am happier with myself. It's unbelievable to me that I am saying this. I am a stronger, more self-confident person. So even if my H goes back to the OW, God forbid, I now will not take it as a rejection of me. I know that I did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage. Now it's on him. If he leaves, it will be his loss. He knows this about me now and has grown to respect me.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Excellent post, Mimi. I know many will benefit by this and your graciousness in sharing it.
Happy for you! LouLou

Excellent post, Mimi. I know many will benefit by this and your graciousness in sharing it.
Happy for you! LouLou

Bumping this up for those of you who might be struggling with these issues today!

Thank you for posting that Mimi. I have not had a good week. HOW were you able to meet ENs when WS was still seeing OW? At this moment, I'm taking it very personally. Does it just take time? Faith? Like yesterday, I was LB'ing all over the place. We had a nice family outing which would have been the perfect time to take care of a bunch of ENs, but I could barely keep from crying. Is it just too new for me? Do I just need to be patient and take comfort in that I was able to meet a couple of ENs by the end of the day?

It sounds like I will have to work out a good Plan B, though. Perhaps that will help with my Plan A. Maybe I can meet ENs if I know there will be a deadline.

LBC:

Of course you are going to be hurting. What has happened to us is a major life trauma. Steve Harley told me that the experience of infidelity is worse than child abuse. I know about that pain LBC. It feels like a hole is being cut into your heart and you do not know what to do. I couldn't eat or sleep. Antidepressants helped me. If you can, speak with your dr. about what you are facing and get some medication to help you make it.

About PLAN A, it's YOUR PLAN. Decide what you need to do to make your life and marriage better. You want to focus on what you did to make conditions right for your WS to have an A. These conditions do not excuse his decision to have an A. However, the changes you will be making are necessary to make your marriage better anyway. It might be helpful to read up on ENs in the Harley book, HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS or on this website. Most likely the OW is not meeting his needs in ALL AREAS. However, at this point, he has begun to depend on her to meet most of his needs.

What helped me was to think about how I used to be when we were dating. What attracted your WS to you in the first place? I had stopped doing these things. Steve Harley told me that I needed to start doing these things again. It might seem like it is not making a difference to your WS. My WS would be mean to me because he wants to feel justified to stay in the A. Also he won't believe that your changes are real. Just focus on YOUR PLAN and not on him and not on what he says because he is in A FOG, captured by an ALIEN BEING is what I used to tell myself. In the long run, once you go through this process, he will remember you in your PLAN A.

YOUR PLAN will be good for you to. It's the beginning of you focusing on yourself and making yourself a better YOU. It's a hard job. You have to believe it's worth it.

For me, I chose the option of working on my marriage rather than choosing to face a life alone. At least I'm left knowing that I did everything that I can do to save it.

Hope this helps.