With the help of iopus and a little detective work myself I have LOTS of email addresses and contacts. Would it be a really stupid idea to contact these women? What do I say to them? I wrote to one of the OW but didn't send it. It simply said I am his wife. We are trying to rebuild our marriage. That is all it said, leaving it open for her to reply. Talk me out of this if it's a bad move. I'll sleep on it and check for replies to my post in the morning.

Zorweb was one MB that contacted a bunch of the OWs after d/d. Let's see if she can lend a hand. It may not always be the wisest thing to do. The results may be a backlash that you have to be strong enough to handle.

L.

I'd like to second Orchid here.

I think there was some talk of your going into counselling together? I think Lexxy mentioned earlier that it would be better to bring this out in the open during the counselling session and not on your own.

I'm not sure - he might feel waylaid, set up, and then not see counselling as a safe place for him, and not consider coming back. I'm not sure - what do others think?

I would advise against contacting any OW at this point. I did and it backfired - I was accused of invading his privacy and being unkind to the OW. Sometimes initiating contact with the OW creates a scene which brings the WS and the OW closer - that's what happened in my case.

I think the worst mistake I made was confronting prematurely. However, I do have to say that it was Hell on earth watching those communications go back and forth day by day. In the end, I printed them all out and took them, as evidence to a lawyer. After I confronted my H and the OW (which I consider a mistake in my case), I could see that his contact with her did not stop, and that his lies continued. After six weeks, I had reached my limit and it was then that I asked him to leave. Only then did I reveal that I had seen a lawyer and that I had copies of all his e-mails.

I think that was what finally woke him up that he could not go on with his secret little life and get away with it.

As said before by others, once you start snooping, what you find can be very painful. And most BS make the mistake of confronting either their WS or the OP too soon.

I would wait until you are calmer and try to think about your options right now, and come up with a plan as to how you are going to deal with what you have found, before you take the step of confronting either him or any OW.

There are other threads here on MB with BS dealing with a WS with sex/porno addiction. I don't know if that's the case with your H, but maybe it would be helpful to read through some of those, before you make any moves.

Take care,
LIR

DO not REVEAL that you have this info.

Keep your secret. Keep spying.

Keep this to yourself.

Work on the marriage in counseling. This can be your check point to see if he stops contact.

I know it hurts, but do not tell. I told, and now I do not have my check point, and only a more angry spouse... that feels like I am a CIA SPY.

Do not tell. He also thinks my spying is psycho like fatal attraction, yea right... it is like a wife being cheated on... right?

Anyway, DO NOT TELL HIM.!!! I repeat, do not tell him.

Look on this board for more help and keep this as your ace in your back pocket. Begin to accumulate your evidence in a secret place in case you need it... hopefully he will shape up.

Hugs, I know this hurts... I am 2 years into the hell... but my wh is not longer with ow's, but we are still seperated, he is somewhat remorseful but not enough to reconcile, he has a drinking problem as well that contributed to the whole situation and I am praying he will bottom out before our marriage has to end.

I am still faithful, but it has been a long painful road... he has been verbally and mentally abusive and twists the story so that it seems to be all me.... Of course it is some me, and I have reacted too much to the A.... Try hard, very very hard not to react... that is your key.

Do not react.... to the pain he is giving you... remain calm. Get yourself much support. Friends you can find here, and elsewhere.

Write back on this thread for more support... I will check back in on you. DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCE... give yourself at least a week or two to think on this. Get yourself into individual counseling as well as marriage counseling, and a support group if you can find it... maybe COSA... Codependents of sexaddicts... don't know if he is one, but it could help you get through this at least some meetings... I found them helpful..

Hugs and Hope, Honey

I am not contacting OW for now, thank you for your insight into this. This board is exactly the support I need to get thru this. Stay here for me!
Julie

I'm glad you made the decision not to contact them. They will not be your allies. Most of them probably already know he is married. He's probably fed them a line of BS about how miserable and unhappy he is in the marriage.

These online OW thrive on this crap. They are preditors. They will not help you.

And ideally what you want to happen is for HIM to cut off contact with them. This is an action he can take to protect and cherish you. This is an activity you and he should plan together. He should compose e-mails to each and every one of these women cutting them out of his life, because he is committed to making you happy. And your blessing should be on those e-mails before he sends them. Then to further protect you -- all of his secret e-mail accounts must be deleted/closed.

If he absolutely must have an e-mail address, it will be one that you have full access to.

Those are the boundries that you should work towards in counseling. When do you go?

((hugs))

<small>[ September 21, 2003, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</small>

Juniper, do you ever have individual counseling for one on one with your counselor? If so, tell him/her what you found, but that he cannot reveal it to H. But he can ask H in sessions if he's stopped contact with OW. See how he lies or if he does to counselor.
Your counselor, being aware will help him dig into your H Psyche! And allow him to bring up that NC is necessary for salvaging your marriage.
I agree with others for now. Wait on contacting OW/s?
And what is exactly the content of those emails? You didn't say if they are explicit about physical contact still?
Len

He definitely needs to be confronted with all this, but I would gather up some more information before you do it. And when you do confront him, I would NOT tell him how you know it. It is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. Protect your source at all costs.

Just recite the facts as you know them. Don't ask him if he agrees or admits it. You don't need his admission to know the truth. He knows it and you know its true.

Hi Juniper,

Sounds like you won't be contacting OW....yet. Good.

Sounds like you still need to confront your H to give him proof you know he is a WS.....good.

Now be prepared for this:

1. Watch his reaction.
a. If it is in anger.....be prepared that he may run to the OW and tell her his version of the confrontation. Ow may backlash to you in another subtle/painful/foolish/abusive manner. The ws may support that tactic and even plan it with the OW.
b. If he is remorseful....watch how much he is willing to put himself out to provide comfort and restore your trust in him. Still be wary.
c. If he doesn't show any noticeable emotion.....step back and run for cover....this c/b a man ready to explode (c/b the A is more one sided than you think and now you have put a crimp in his lifestyle).

2. Watch your finances.... this is important since $$ is a fixed thing.....it doesn't take the EN into consideration.....you either have it or don't.

3. Check out your options regards to separation/Divorce. Helps in case the recovery goes false or there is a backslide. You don't want surprises to be total surprises.

4. Learn about plan B and keep it in your back pocket.

5. Work on getting your mind and heart in sync. You are at the beginning of an uphill battle. M recovery at best and personal recovery is your personal option. So a recovery of sorts is within your reach..... always is. The M one though requires both your participation. Right now don't fret not having an M recovery....you have too much to do right now.

6. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Important to getting it in sync. Know that your H's mind and heart have been dilodged and are not in sync.

7. Learn what signs of abuse really are and when you are being subjected to them. Learn how to be prepared and what action to take.

8. Build up your personal support group and keep posting here at MB. Get with a good MC or utilize Steve, Jennifer or Cerri from MB. I let my personal support know I needed their help, gave them 'some' info (depending on who it was) and also asked that whatever happens, they respect (not support but respect) my decision since I would have more facts than they might.

9. Know that right now you are the your H's confidant. The OP is and so be careful what you tell your H. You can share your feelings and use that as a way to measure what is going on in the A. Most OWs can't keep their trap shut and eventually you will find out what you need to know....so excercising patience is important.

Hope this helps.
L.

Juniper, and please, please make extra copies of your findings. Or open a secret email acct over on one of the free ones and send them all to that for safe keeping. BTW, when you do confront, and he ask how, be vague. After all, someone else could have gotten them for you. Right?
I agree never to let him know your source. LouLou

For clarification, H already confessed to me about the affairs, so he knows that I know. What he does not know is that I am tracking his online action. And I am very happy to report that since using the spy software, he hasn't been up to much. Most of what I got was old emails and addresses and such. With his knowledge/consent, I also installed cyber patrol, so all of his chat and certain websites are blocked, and he is cool with this. He can still send email, and that is what I am monitoring with iopus, without his knowledge.

I am so glad you got Iopus!
At least these "new" accounts have been opened to you -- I think the most stressful thing of all is the "not knowing". Seeing an account you're unaware of and WONDERING what is going on is crazy-making! At least now you know.

Good job on not confronting or contacting OW.

Stay the course, watch and observe. And hopefully what you will see is no new activity.

Good luck!

I think that contacting the OW can be useful at times, but it has to be done very craftily. Often the WS is trying to compartmentalize his OW, and is lying to her as well. Contact usually freaks out the WS and can expose his lies.

However, "confronting" an OW is never good. If you speak to her, you must be extraordinarily polite, and you must always remember that she is your enemy and is happy to destroy your marriage. The only thing that can be useful is to use the contact to subtly burst her bubble and her fantasy about your WH.

I think in your case, since your H has admitted to the affairs, the best thing is to ignore contact at the moment, but monitor. Do a good plan A right now, and work on your M in counseling. You can use your knowledge subtly. It is better not to confront or to bring up knowledge that will force you to act precipitously. Eventually you might have to confront but you need to work that Plan A and counseling first.

good luck!

It is so hard to monitor his internet activity and not confront him with it. At home, with me, he is as wonderful as when we were just married. Affectionate, kind, everything I want. When I leave the house, he gets online (also gets online at work) and everything changes. He cybered with a woman online today, which I read in the iopus log. Yuck. Made me sick. When we are together, everything is wonderful. He denies being in contact with anyone online, telephone, or in person, and then I find out differently. I really don't want to take our daughters and leave, but I can't take much more of this. Thanks for the shoulder to cry on.

juniper, you will need to confront him very soon. This has to end and confrontation is the way to end it. Often it will prevent it from going further. It does no good to collect information if you aren't going to do something with it. Use it to bring the truth out in the open so you can work on the problem.

Just don't tell him HOW you got the info.

my iopus log said it all yesterday, way more than I wanted to read. Last night I asked him if he had been in contact. Of course not, he said, and why did I ask? I told him it was just an intuition. He assured me he wasn't doing anything inappropriate online or telephone, and I asked again, and he promised he was faithful. Well I had proof otherwise in black and white in a box next to our bed, but I kept quiet about it. Instead, I asked HIM to forgive ME for doubting his fidelity. I thought surely that would break him. Nope. He said he forgave me. Unbelievable! He has NO CLUE that I am on his trail. So today I logged on with his yahoo messenger and OW came on, and I talked to her, but she thought it was him. That was probably a really stupid move, huh? I really wish I had not done that. I am supposed to talk with our minister tomorrow. I gave him the perfect opportunity to be truthful and he lied again. I am really disappointed in him right now.

juniper, you know he is not likely to bust himself and that honesty is a problem in the relationship. You already knew that. The next step will be to lay all your cards on the table and confront him. When will you be confronting him with the evidence?

I'm meeting with our minister/counselor tomorrow, and based on his advice, I can hopefully make a decision about confronting him with what I know. Standing in the need of prayer...

Will do, hon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know what you're going through J. Its so hard to have this incredibly hurtful knowledge and have him nonchalantly lie to your face.

What you are doing takes incredible strength and I admire you tremendously for keeping yourself in control. I am so glad you have a meeting with your minister tomorrow!

((HUGS))