Rough day today, and I need your comments and/or encouragement.

1. Family members in town, of course wanting a fishing trip. I've known about this for about a week but just seem to have lost it this afternoon.

2. My D and SonIL are keeping my dog (who loves me unconditionally, fat or not (dog and D and SonIl, that is) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). I feel guilty for leaving my dog.

3. H wants me to go on fishing trip (good!) but wants me to make potato salad (bad!, believe it or not, Potato salad is a trigger for me!) Fixed it for him when he took slut on fishing trip with other friends! How dare she eat MY potato salad! Wish she had choked!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

4. Wanted me to drive down AFTER he fueled boat. Slut OW is at fuel dock. (I don't smoke but would love to toss a match!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

5. I really thought we were doing OK. Why this explosion of emotions now?!!!

6. Yesterday was 9 mos. since Dday, and I've been off meds for about 3 weeks. H has always said there was no such thing as not being able to conquer depression, but told me this afternoon to swallow "whatever" if it made me NOT act like this!

7. I don't want to be a LBing, whiny b***h!...but I can't stand this flood of memories. Tell me it gets better after all anniversaries go by <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

H-e-l-p-!!!!, comments, suggestions! Or just whack me over the head and get me out of my misery! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Can't give you much, but at least I can give you a late-night BUMP.

i REAALY WISH i HAD SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU THAT WOULD HELP!

I can realate to the TRIGGERS and feeling INSANE (if thats another way to put things)

I have been teying to understand TRIGGERS , I mean is it the even , the lie ect.

I am starting to belive it is within us , this is the PERSONAL RECOVERY part , I honestly don't feel FWS can help at all .

I mean they can say they understand and hold us , TELL us they love us .

But deep down some where it is inside of us (BS)

YOU can say it aloud that OW means nothing or that we know we are better , (and we are)

BUT saying it and deep down beliving in ourself is the thing .

TO4T I don't want to make you feel worse , JMVHO
The affect OW has on us IN OUR MIND is what does it .
I know if we could beat them down or if they where washed off the face of the earth we think we would feel better , BUT no we won't cause its in us to really reach down and heal our self .

There are fat people , skinny people , peppy , long leg , short leg , big a$$ , ect.
IT takes time to over come that our WS truely made a BIG MISTAKE one unfortunatly in my opion that causes our self esteem and image of ourself in general to be changed greatly .

Until the recovery of ones self is done there will be these triggers and this insane attitude that makes us look like we are NUTS (LOL)

LIKE I said JMVHO and I am so sorry that you are going through this depression , YOU are not alone .IT is I guess what they say NORMAL at this point .

ALSO it is so hard to see that YOUR H really just likes YOUR POTATO SALAD , because its YOURS .

Instead you choose to see POTATO salad as something shared with them .

IT is so hard in recovery to see that the FWS is teying IN THEIR WAY to make us feel good and show us things they want with us , cause we are to busy comparing to what,or when they might of shared with the OP .

IF I make no sense its cause I to am INSANE today and trying so hard to understand and deal with triggers and blame and why can't h watch everything he says , why don't FWS rember that something will be a trigger before they say or do it .

Its because they want to forget it ever happened , they want so badly to move on and because they where so in FOG they don't remmber everything in detail like we do .

WE unfortunately get to hold on to each and everything until WE CHOOSE to let it GO .

BE well stay strong and work on YOU and YOU alone for awhile , know that you are feeling this way and don't sweep it under the carpet face it and know you did not choose it but can work through it . You are a good person , worthey of feeling happiness .

Thinking of you,

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

I think one of the first steps of not letting these things (triggers) get to us, is realizing that there is a choice we have to make each time one of these "things" happens to us. When a word is said, or we run across someone with the OP's name or see something on TV that reminds us of our situation....whatever it is....we have to make a choice as to whether that is going to derail us or not.
The problem I see in myself sometimes is that I make the choice unconciously, and when I allow myself to make unattended decisions in this area, the choice is always the wrong one. I always choose to let it bother me, or hang me up somehow.

It does get better with time, but if you'll stay alert and make your own decisions as to whether this or that is going to bother you, it will get better much faster.
Choose to rise above these things, because when you get right down to it, they don't matter. What matters is where you are in your relationship with your spouse. These words and reminders will always happen. You've got to decide to not give them the chance to knock you off track.

Highroad I think your right. The OW for me was my best friend and so many things in my home remind me of her. Every year from the day they were born she took professional pictures of my boys. Every decorative touch from drapes to dishes were purchased either with her or asking her opinion. At first I tried to rid my home of everything and then it was so barren. Some things I did replace but then the other day I saw something I use to really like but everytime I looked at it I saw her and I shopping together, so excited over having found a great find. And I thought what a waste I have no pictures of my children up and my home is bare. I put back the important things and now when I look at the picture of my son 5 minutes after birth I try to shut out the fact that she is the one who took it and enjoy the memory of my son being born. It is a concious(sp) decision something I MUST think about.
Me(39)
WS(44)
2 boys 11 and 4

TO4This, part of the painful anger you are experiencing may stem from the lack of control you feel. You don't HAVE to make potato salad for anybody! Your husband doesn't HAVE to fuel his boat, and thus have contact with fow. (Someone else can fill it--how about you? Or cancel fishing trips for now because your comfort and security are more important than anybody going fishing.)These triggers cause real distress and it sounds as though you nor your hubby are giving them their due. Of course these triggers cause your emotions to jangle! It's right and good for him to make adjustments in his life that help you feel safe. Time for a talk.

Thanks to all who responded. I didn't read or post yesterday because I was fishing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A.M.Martin - thanks for the bump.

3 - I knew you find me. You're such a smart girl and you're still ahead of me in understanding and dealing with this stuff.

You are right on the money. I can choose to link potato salad to OW and A and never make it again, or I can make the best potato salad I can and lovingly present it to my H since I know he likes it. And yes, my self-esteem has been shot to He!! and back!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

high-road -Yes, there was no decision making on my part Monday, those feelings came flooding in and I just closed my eyes and brain and didn't even think that I did have a choice but to feel them and getting dragged down by it. I need to remember that these "triggers" only have the power I give them. They don't change anything in the past but are greatly affecting the present and future if I let them.

km4 - Yours is a very sad situation, but the pictures of your children are so much more important. Don't let that be ruined by this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

want2shine - I think when I react to these triggers I'm really wanting reassurance from my H that everything is OK. I don't always get it...sometime his reaction if "here we go again". But things did work out OK yesterday--we opted for sandwiches and snacks (more time for fishing) and a friend fueled the boat and OW was nowhere to be seen. Talking and listening would be good for both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Again, thanks for the help and ideas. Also thanks to Ladies chat group. I felt very welcome and was in a much better mood after that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Back to work now...a day off so I have to work hard to catch up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

"OW was no where to be seen"

Good!

Can you work past the potatoe salad trigger? Geeze, I like potato salad, not sure how I would have handled that one. For me it is Yosemite. Can you rename the park and move the visitor points (like 1/2dome, glacier point, bridal veil falls, etc.) around so it looks different? Oh yea and get ride of the hotel that housed them. YUCK!!! Oops getting carried away, can just go and remark the place, eh??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

Gee, Orchid, and all I had to deal with is potato salad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just for you, I'll take Yosemite off all my maps. I'll never get there anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />