After allow my now exhusband to jerk me back and forth in and out of his web for nearly a year...it's all come to a head and the realization that he truly hates me is evident. So....I need help, direction and pointers on how the heck to move on. I devoted the past year of my life solely to trying and create an atmosphere that would help him to realize what we had.....he would accept only when it was convenient for him. My friends and family threatened to tell the other woman he was still seeing me and I told him this. He seemed in different.

Then he came to me telling me he was moving in with the other woman. He told me he knew it wouldn't work with her and that he was doing it in an attempt to stay away from me. That he knew he was hurting me and he didn't want to continue doing it that he never meant to hurt me and that the only way he could stay away from me was to move in with her. He stated she had yelled at him two weeks prior for showing up at her place unannounced and that he thought she was sleeping with a married man. He was putting all his things in storage because he knew he'd be needing them. He didn't want me to hate him. He wanted to be my friend and he would never keep his girls from me. I was crushed. The following day, I told him I wanted him to give me back his wedding band.....he agreed that he would.

This morning, I call him to see when I could get the ring. He was so nasty to me. He tells me that someone called her and he blames my niece for it. He tells me that he never wants to hear from me or see me again. He tells me that I will never ever ever see his girls again. The girls I raised for over three years. He told me he would throw the ring in a ditch before he gave it back to me....EVER. He told me he wasn't moving either and blames me for everything.

Everything that was ever wrong in our marriage he says is my fault because I had issues with trust. He says he has too much resentment....and now has even more.

So, I need some direction. I live eight miles out in the country from a town of about 200 people. We have a service station, a bank, a bar and a post office. There is little for me to do in the area that is free. But I need some direction. I'm lost and I have to let go before I lose myself.....and I'm about ready to do that too.

I believed for so long that this man truly loved me that I was blinded by the things he did and in many ways still am. Please help me help myself!!!

Please please please respond!

Ferbie, I'm not sure what's so evident in his actions that prove to you that he hates you?? He sounds like a very typical WS and is acting as such. Rarely does that mean the WS hates the BS...it's usually more of a self-hate that projected via guilt and blame.

I'm confused as to what you're asking? Help as to how to divorce? Or are you looking for support to hang on? Let us know how to help you.

Sounds like fog talk to me.

Do you need more information about the situation? I am divorced. I jumped into divorce immediately after finding out he'd slept with someone else. When we separated, he said he was leaving because I was so untrusting....yet he didn't leave until I'd found an email from a different woman (not the one he slept with) that indicated an affair was happening or about to. For months he would come around and make me believe we would work things out and then I found out he'd slept with someone else and I filed for divorce and tried to move on with my life....but I couldn't.

He waltz back in and out of my life since our divorce and I've allowed it. Always believing and almost clinging to his words. And now this....the move....the phone call.....the anger.....the hate...what do I want?

I want direction on how to separate myself from this source of pain. I love this man. I would love nothing more than to get back together with him and try and rebuild our marriage and our love. So many things he's told me, even this morning, indicate that part of him still cares....but then the hatred and anger flares and he was so horribly mean and cold and I'm hurting so badly. I have to do something for myself before I destroy myself.

How do you begin to let go? Maybe I'm thinking of a plan B....but how is that accomplished and where does one get the strength to do it? I've read about it. Can't say I quite understand the whole process.

My counselor....well she is another card in the picture that makes matters worse. She just keeps me hanging on to a situation I'm not sure I should be hanging on to.

Does that help any?

Ferbie, you are already divorced...there is no marriage to save. As far as that goes, at this time, there is no relationship to hang on to or to try to save. Anything at this point would be building a new foundation for a new relationship, and possibly a new marriage.

You are already divorced...why not let him go and move on with your life for the time being. If he was to get his head together and come back a changed man, down the line...you could work with him then if you still felt the desire to.

Hope,

Your name says how I've felt. I was hurt and angry and jumped the gun in filing for divorce and refused to have it any other way then quick...it took us 20 days from the day I filed to the day it was final and would have been quicker if I hadn't forgotten to file financial statements. But, I've always had hope. Even when I went through the divorce...I did so with the hope in the back of my mind that we would find ourselves together again. But rather than walk away and stay away until I knew things had settled down and we could start fresh.....I feel into his trap of believing in him when things were still in full turmoil.

I did not post and voice my need for help to be told that there is no marriage to save. Thanks for reminding me that my marriage has been such a failure......I've posted to ask how to move past it. Past the pain. Past the feeling that I want to end my life. I'm grasping out for straws and everyone is handing me more pain. I need help and no one is willing to help me.

Ferbie,

It is clear that you are hurting but it's also clear that nothing, so far, has worked. Your ex has told you to stay away; right now, that is what you should do, no matter how painful. You need to work with a counselor, one you feel comfortable with (and if this is not the one with whom you're working now, find one that makes you comfortable), about how to deal with your grief.

It may be tempting to try to overanalyze the situation to say "deep down behind the anger he still loves me"--but right now, the reality is that he wants you to lead separate lives. In the eyes of the court, you are no longer man and wife.

Your first step is to heal the scars which the divorce caused. This doesn't happen overnight.
Work with a counselor to brainstorm how what happened, happened--it takes two to divorce. Once you've started to heal and you've got some distance, you can work on building a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy man.

Ferbie--hope4future was right. In order to move past the pain, you must realize that the marriage was gone. But because the marriage failed to last doesn't mean that YOU are a failure or are doomed to failure. You need a professional to help you see this. Even small towns often have excellent and cheap counseling centers in their hospitals (or the one closest to you)...and often, local churches offer pastoral counseling.

Good luck, Ferbie--and work on yourself. Eat well, try to sleep, and see someone who helps people who are grieving the end of a marriage.
Many people have walked the road you're walking

Best
Jo

Ferbie, when you divorced your H, you released him of his marital obligations and promises. In no way am I saying that his current choices are good ones, but he is technically free to wander from home to home if that is what he chooses to do. He has no binding obligations to you. These are just facts...you can dislike them if you like and feel like I'm trying to rub your face in it...I'm not. I'm just stating the unemotional facts of the situation.

Honestly, letting him go and moving on might very well be the thing that it takes to save any chance of a future together. It's often the pinnacle moment for many of us WS's. We see that our BS no longer pines for us and we wanna know why...we start to think about them moving on with someone else and begin to see the reality of all we'll lose.

I'm suggesting that you quit working on something that isn't there...wasting your energy trying to fix something that isn't even in existance...and use what energy you have left to start finding some positive points in your life and work towards making more. The more positive and together you are, the more someone else is going to want to be a part of your life. Maybe even your ex...and maybe someone better deserving of what you have to give.

Hope--that quote from Harry Potter on choices is OUTSTANDING and the truest thing, for my money, ever spoken in a book/on film.

Choose to work on yourself right now, ferbie.

Signing off for tonight,
jo

Hope.....I'm asking for advice on how to move on. There are no legal ties between us and nothing that says he has any committment to uphold. I'm not saying that is the case. I know that. I've known it all along. Yet, I still clung to his words and the things he seemed to always convey to me.

I asked for help on "letting go" and "moving on". I know it's the only way I can survive. I still feel there is love inside this man for me...yet his words scream hatred and it's the hatred I have to get away from. We both have personal issues that we have to work on. I think he's not full accepted he has some too. I also don't believe he's accepted his part of problems in our marriage and I know I have no control over that. But, I feel you're saying that it's not ever going to happen and that all hope is lost and yes...that may be the case and it may not be. In any event...I need to find a means of letting go and moving on with my life. And if my doing that scares him into reality of what he's losing...good, great, maybe I'll be willing to try again with him, but then again...maybe I won't. He's hurt me greatly and I can't say for sure right now. I know that I love this man. I know I pray for reconciliation and possible remarriage.....but right now....I need to let go and live my life as if it's never going to happen and I don't understand where the heck to begin in doing it!

Ok. The first step to moving on or letting go is to see the truth as it is...not distorted by how you wish it was or how it used to be or how it could be.

The truth of your situation right now is what? Facts only, not assumptions and guesses and personal viewpoints. List the actual truths of where your life is right now.

Then make a list of how you want your life to be.

Look at the lists and see if your current actions are helping your life to be how you have it described. If hanging on to wishes and dreams aren't getting you there, then what will? Start making those changes. You can change your life that way MUCH EASIER than trying to change your ex. And maybe with seeing the truth of the situation, you can begin to let go and move forward.

Ferbie,

For me moving forward was helped when I realized I was NOT undesirable. My mind and heart went in sync and I was able to define my personal boundaries and move forward.

No longer was I held back waiting for the WS to make up his mind. I gave him time to do that but he wasn't where I needed him to be so I moved forward.

That was in 2001. Each time recovery failed, the stakes for trying again went up.

2 years later (3 years after d/d), I am only now starting to see a better recovery picture. Still carry plan B in my back pocket, older and wiser and not as tolerant. H does more recovery work than me. I no longer carry the burdens of the past. He does. It is his job to make me feel safe also.

Just my thoughts,
L.