I'm thinking about it- I *know* it needs to be done... But I'm not sure....

Here's the low down... (condensed version)
I've only been married for 2 1/2 years, during that time my H became VERY uninterested in sex, and in me in general- It got to the point where he would chastise me for trying to initiate sex (compared my sex drive to that of a dog) and criticized many little things I did on a daily basis. Treated me like I was inferior, stupid, etc...
Around December an X BF emailed me- we started emailing daily... and what I now realize was an EA ensued. Since he is 3 hours away we only were in contact through email and phone. One night we did meet up and after many cocktails we had sex... oie.
So then I felt miserable and realized what a mistake I had made- Cut off contact with OM and focused on my marriage. I decided I did not want to be in such an unhealthy marriage and told my H I though I should leave. It was like a light suddenly turned on in him. The man who had pushed me away for 2 years and acted like he hated me was suddenly professing such deep love to me I was shocked. Then I was angry- Why did he wait until then to finally tell me how he feels? I REALLY had thought he didn't like me! I told him I thought he'd be relieved. That I thought he didn't like being with me- What I didn't mention (argh!) was the A.
So things in our M have gotten better- he has been making a conscious effort to communicate with me and not take me for granted. The NC was going great until OM emailed me yesterday (wrote about it in recovery thread...) So that brought me back here... And of course being here made me realize that I probably should come clean...
I remember when I first posted here-shortly after my A, someone told me I should wait so that what he was doing wrong in the relationship could be addressed (something like that)- But now the thought of telling him seems so... painful... It was a really rough time when I thought I was leaving- I now wish I had said something then... when I could have handled his rejection a lot better- now that I’ve come to cherish our M so much more the thought of it being over is unthinkable….
Ok- this is getting long...
After all that- should I still tell? How? What should I expect? What should I do??? etc...

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Dinah_S ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dinah_S:
<strong>Then I was angry- Why did he wait until then to finally tell me how he </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you finally communicated your feelings to him! You told him you were so miserable you wanted out.

I don't know about telling him now. If you don't, you better have cleaned up well on the computer and everywhere else!

Dinah,

Yes, you should tell him because this marriage cannot move forward if it's based on deceit. Not only that, but he has a right to know. This is about his life, too, and he has every right to know what has happened in it and to whom he is married.

I would go to him with a plan designed to restore trust. Tell him the truth, tell him you know that he won't trust you in the future and then tell him your plan to RESTORE that trust. Such as giving him access to your email and IMMEDIATELY sending the OM a NC letter. It will be hard on him, but it will be much harder living in a world of illusions.

It will also be very hard on you, too, but it sounds like you have the character to withstand it, Dinah. If you didn't have a strong, decent character, you wouldn't be here talking about doing the right thing. Just know that we will support you in doing the right thing. You can come here for help and understanding, ok?

And lastly, I would suggest that you both follow MB principles to repair your marriage. While I wouldn't bring this up NOW, he was partially responsible for the conditions that made you vulnerable for an affair. That has to change and the way to change is to educate each other about the other's needs so that you have a strong, loving marriage. There is no reason that you can't come out of this with a very strong, loving marriage, better than it ever was.

Dinah,
I'm new at MB and I was in the same situation you were with an XBF. We caught up after 18 yrs. What started out as a friendship became very intense. I can say that my XBF has left me alone except I was getting a lot of hang ups at work. I have not contacted him at all. It's hard because he was my 1st true love but I know that the A was not about love but about a fantasy and an EN. The 3 hours is good--out of sight, out of mind.

Not sure if you should tell H. I am in the same boat and my A ended 3 mos ago. I love my H and our lives are incredible. People here feel differently and they have good arguments as to why you should tell. Please stay away from XBF. It's not worth it in the end. My XBF had hurt me when I was 18 but we were young then. The old saying--hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. Let your feelings stay where they should--in the past.

Good luck to you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm going to give you the same advice as I did to the previous poster, no1mystryf.

How are you going to protect yourself from the OM in the future? Whether you care to admit it or not, you ARE and will continue to be his hostage to blackmail as long as you keep the truth about your affair hidden from your H. What are you going to do if he tells you that he is going to tell your H unless you put up for him once more?. You can chose not to tell your H but you can't force the OM to do likewise, so you better start preparing a plan of action on how to deal with the fallout if the OM does decide to tell your H. Won't life be fun knowing that your marriage's survival depends on whether or not the OM keeps his mouth shut?

If you are sincere about wanting to stay in the marriage, you owe it to BOTH of you to tell him the truth. It will be hard, it will be painful, but you cannot continue a marriage based on deceit.

The affair will come to light at some point, maybe not now, but eventually he will find out. The longer you let this lie fester, the more hurtful it will be when the truth comes out. He will have to deal with the infidelity and the covering it up while pretending to be in a recovery mode.

You began your post with the things lacking in your relationship that led to the affair. I understand that these things set up your feeling vulnerable, but you did not have to remain married. You chose to stay in the marriage with all it's faults and have a relationship with someone else.

I am not scolding you for this, but want to point out that your H deserves to know what happened and then try to rebuild your marriage. Your needs were not being met and that is something that you can both work on together. My guess is that he also had unmet needs. Neither of you worked on this problem as a team.

You will get lots of opinions here, but considering this is a MB site I am going to strongly push the idea that honesty is the beginning of rebuilding. You are now rebuilding with a very shaky foundation, that house is going to tumble and your work be in vain if you don't go ahead and fess up.

Keep reading here, lots of people have been on both sides of the fence, and lots of marriages are recovering, it IS possible. Keep us posted. Ladysing

Here is what Harley says about it:

“From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.”

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 08:10 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Dinah here's a letter from a BH named Joseph. I hope it helps you gain some insight into a BH's toughts and emotions soon after d-day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"To Whomever:

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Wow- thank you all for your comments and thoughts on this- it really does help tremendously. I wanted to address some of the things you had written to me-

SoDisappointed- I had tried communicated my feeling on this over and over prior to that moment- He didn’t seem to care- When I tried to leave he confessed that he took for granted that I would always be there and didn’t see the need to put effort into our M...

MelodyLane and Ladysing- – I agree, I do. I completely understand that this will continue to negatively effect our M until it is out and that the fair, right thing to do is to tell him. It's not a matter of me thinking he can't handle the truth- Of course he could- It would hurt him tremendously, and that is a problem, but I would never say that he couldn't handle it... More than that I'm worried he would leave. I really think he would. He's said it over and over again that he would not stay through something like that... Or another thought is that he would stay, but would make me miserable- He never has been able to fight fair- He always hits “below the belt” and tends to make really hurtful comments when he is angry- I don’t know if I could live the rest of my life being called a whore and such when ever he got upset about something...

TMCM- Definitely have been thinking about that- It’s funny- almost daily I get home and expect him to be upset because he got a letter from he OM telling him about the A... Luckily OM dosent know where we live and we are not listed, but it is still possible... Oie. As for the letter- thank you- it was very insightful and wonderfully written.

And after all that, I’m still undecided... I really want to do what is right... I’m so scared though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
OK- let’s say I do tell him- What sort of reactions should I expect? Should I find somewhere to stay ahead of time? Should I tell my closet friend ahead of time for her support (or would it be better to keep this in the family?) How do I do this?
This just sucks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"More than that I'm worried he would leave. I really think he would. He's said it over and over again that he would not stay through something like that... Or another thought is that he would stay, but would make me miserable- He never has been able to fight fair- He always hits “below the belt” and tends to make really hurtful comments when he is angry- I don’t know if I could live the rest of my life being called a whore and such when ever he got upset about something..."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive me if I sound harsh but the above comments tell me that you would rather live in a marriage that is built on lies, dishonesty, and disrespect than to face reality and the real possibility that your marriage is not a salvageable one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"It’s funny- almost daily I get home and expect him to be upset because he got a letter from he OM telling him about the A... Luckily OM dosent know where we live and we are not listed, but it is still possible... "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The scenario of him leaving you or making your life a living hell will be more than likely if he finds out the truth from someone else.

Have you considered the possibility that you may be wrong about your H?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive me if I sound harsh but the above comments tell me that you would rather live in a marriage that is built on lies, dishonesty, and disrespect than to face reality and the real possibility that your marriage is not a salvageable one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not harsh- very insightful. I think you are right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The scenario of him leaving you or making your life a living hell will be more than likely if he finds out the truth from someone else.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. I know. *sigh* I'm just so darn scared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you considered the possibility that you may be wrong about your H?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd like to hope so... But I'm rather pessimistic by nature... Fingers and toes crossed, eh?

Does anyone have any answers to these questions?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK- let’s say I do tell him- What sort of reactions should I expect? Should I find somewhere to stay ahead of time? Should I tell my closet friend ahead of time for her support (or would it be better to keep this in the family?) How do I do this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks
D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dinah_S:
More than that I'm worried he would leave. I really think he would. He's said it over and over again that he would not stay through something like that...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would deny him that right? You will keep him in a marriage that you know he wouldn't CHOOSE if had all the pertinent facts about you and HIS OWN LIFE??? Dinah. You can't mean that. That is the height of cruelty and manipulation. It is his right to choose, you have absolutely no right to make that choice for him. This is not about you, it is about him and his right to know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or another thought is that he would stay, but would make me miserable- He never has been able to fight fair- He always hits “below the belt” and tends to make really hurtful comments when he is angry- I don’t know if I could live the rest of my life being called a whore and such when ever he got upset about something... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the chance you took when you did this. He will probably say very hurtful things, but you don't know. However, you won't suffer a FRACTION of the hurt he is going to suffer when he finds out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And after all that, I’m still undecided... I really want to do what is right... I’m so scared though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I know you are scared. I would be scared, too. It won't be easy, Dinah, but the right thing is not always the easy thing. You KNOW the right thing to do and have to put aside your own fears in favor of his best interest. We will help you through this.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dinah_S:
<strong>Does anyone have any answers to these questions?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK- let’s say I do tell him- What sort of reactions should I expect? Should I find somewhere to stay ahead of time? Should I tell my closet friend ahead of time for her support (or would it be better to keep this in the family?) How do I do this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks
D.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dinah, it might be helpful to call your friend beforehand for some support. I would do EVERYTHING in your power to try and stay home, though. It will be important for him to see that you care enough to stay there and help him with his feelings.

Another important thing will be your openess about the affair. If he has questions, please just bite the bullet and tell him what he wants to know. It will make it easier for you in the long run. I promise you this!