<small>[ September 25, 2003, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: LJL ]</small>

Your husband can not work on his marriage as long as he is still seeing OW. You are doing the same actions repeatedly thinking you are going to get different results....what they call that here is INSANITY! You ask him to be honest, he isn't, so you let it go, you ask him to have NO CONTACT with OW, he does but u let it go, u ask him to leave he doesn't and you let it go. You let all of these things go until another issue comes up. He is verbally and physically abusive. THAT is enough for you to say ENOUGH! He is not ready to be a a good husband let alone a good man. You need to PLAN A YOURSELF forget about WH. He is too lost to be any good to you or your marriage right now. I would say PLAN B is definitely what is needed and counseling for YOU.

Trying, thanks for your reply. Yes, I do see that I am letting him do whatever he wants without consequences. I am having a terrible time setting and sticking to boundaries. How do I plan B at this point since he is back home and will not leave?

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: LJL ]</small>

Plan B? What do you know about the MB concepts. R U in any type of counseling? Can you have a phone counseling session with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri? What books have you read (survivinga an affair, his needs/her needs - both by Dr W. Harley). Also how about love must be tough by Dr James Dobson?

I think you should be better informed before making these types of decisions.

Please keep posting but it is in your best interest to do some reading up and getting good support.

JMHO,
L.

Um, do these responses sound a little....errrr...rough to anyone else but me? No wonder she has deleted her posts. This person seems rather new at the boards, and I think she felt jumped on. Come on you two....we who have been here for a while know you are compassionate and empathetic people, but it doesn't come across in either post.

LJL, come back, and I am sure you will get the help you need.

Love and light,

Jacky

Nina2,

U R right, by the time I posted, I did not see the initial post. I was responding to her plan B question.

I am sure I could have been a bit softer in my response. I do not know what her other posts contained.

LjL,
Please forgive my rough response. The content is valid but the delivery, sucks! Sorry.

Can you please share your story with us?

I hope that during this time of frustration you can get help for you. Right now you need to strengthen yourself. What your H is doing is not something you can control and this may be a hard piece to reconcile with....for the moment.

That is why posting here, reading the material and actively getting good MC support along with estabilishing your personal support group is helpful to your personal recovery. Then and when your H decides to come to his senses, you will be prepared to give him the help he needs.

A's are illogical events in our lives. The resolution can appear to be just as illogical.

A few things that have helped me:

1. Patience - this is a biggie. The fog seems to slow down the WS' mind and actions.
2. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. - this helps us cope.
3. Expect him to not listen to you, even be your worst enemy for the time being. He may not have your welfare or that your family at heart as he may have had in the past.
4. Learn how to protect your financial status.
5. Be willing to check out your 'options' (including separation and divorce).
6. Don't succumt to any threats by your H or OW.
7. Get good MC support
8. Build your personal support group
9. Do not despair
10.Learn about plan A and B. Use them wisely.
11.Learn and implement improvements within yourself.
12.Do not be afraid to admit when you have made mistakes and be accountable for yourself.

In time his anger towards you will diminish but maybe not right now. So work on the above and others will post more helpful info.

take care,
L.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Bless you Orchid, you are sooooooooo good! Let's hope LJL comes back and sees this and knows there are people out there who care.

Love and light,

Jacky

Nina2,

Not sure if my post reached LjL in time. I noticed there was a post on Plan A/B and I think JFO. I responded to the Plan A/B post this morning and still no reply.

Sometimes this happens and may LjL will return. Not sure. It hurts to see this happen but it does and we have to deal with it.

Thanks for caring and helping out. It is truly appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How are you doing?

L.

I posted an update a couple of weeks ago on D/D. I am doing pretty well, thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=009843#000000

Love and light,

Jacky

Thanks Jacky,

I just read your thread and posted.

Hugz,
L.

ps: sure hope LjL comes back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all for the replies. I truly appreciate that you all care. I am just so hurt and so lost and really don't have much faith in MB right now. I have counseled with Steve. He warned me not to let my H back home without a plan. I did not listen and let him come back home without a plan. Now I am paying the price. I am so tired of pouring my heart out to this person and he just stares at me and does not answer.

I don't see how I can continue to live with this person who has hurt me and my children so deeply. I never knew that a human being could hurt another human being so deeply. And yet I see that there are so many BS that hurt as much or more than I do.

LJL,

Why don't you call SH again ?. Hope this time you would listen to him. We are just a bunch of wannabe.

-rh-

LjL,

Good to hear from you. I certainly understand your pain and so do you. Now that you have let him back in 'prematurely', can you get him out again?

It would be wise to continue with Steve. I am sure this next time, his words will carry more weight. Trust me you are not the only one to misapply good counsel, so don't beat up on yourself.....your WS is already doing a good job of that right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So let's get your level of confidence back up, strenghten your support group and put you back on personal recovery, then see where your H is at that time.

What is your take on plan A vs plan B?

Can you give us more timeline of how long you have been dealing with this problem?

take care,
L.