(accidentally posted this in the wrong spot earlier)
My 2 sons have told WH that they like to spend time with him, but not with OW. WH is quite upset by this. Says he misses the kids so much, and if I would "just get over it" and tell them to go ahead and accept his reationship, then the boys would accept it.
I have talked to the boys. Older one says he doesn't like her, will never like her, and will not spend time with Dad if OW is there. Yonger one now says "Well, Dad told me that if I just took time to get to know her, I would like her, so I think I should spend more time with her to get to know her like Dad says.
I am dying inside. These are my kids - not hers. Why should they learn to accept their fathers sinful, adulterous realtionship?? WH still claims to be a christian, yet he has recently moved in with this woman, and her kids. No papers have been filed at this point - this is a sinful relationship. I am trying to teach my kids the difference between right and wrong, but suddenly their Father is on the other side!
Should I fight him on this?
Or send kids to his new duplex, so all invlolved will get a good taste of reality?

Can U send the children? Let them know you love them but let them decide. How old are they?

The image of being a nice person is temporary but no good parent wants to see their children suffer.

Reassurance for your children is what you can send them with. You maybe surprised the lesson they will return home with.

JMHO,
L.

Make sure boundaries are in place and make sure WS AND OW stick to them.

A girl up here at work has 2 boys. I believe they are around 6 and 8. She let the boys go see their dad at dad and OW's place. She and WH are now divorced. The OW and the dad took a bath together while the boys were there and the little one walked in on them and was very traumatized by the whole thing! He is now in counseling.

You also need to maybe get the WH to see a child counselor so this person can emphasize how he needs to respect the wishes of his children somewhat too. Your boys are old enough to know what's up whether you let them visit while OW is there or not. BUT your WH needs to realize that it may be too soon for them. I know OW is very controlling -- WH needs to grow some balls and tell her he misses his boys very much and is going to spend time w/them w/out her until they are ready!

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

As a parent who was denied access to her child for some time in the midst of all this mess, I have to beg, here. Please, DO NOT bring your children into the adult issues that you and your spouse have with each other.

Adultery on its own generally has no effect on custody cases, and rightly so. It's NOT ABOUT YOUR KIDS. Making it about the kids is hard on them. Don't bring them into your conflict, don't make them try to choose between you. Even if they're adults or nearly so, it's just wrenching on a child. And if they're young? Forget it! They don't understand what's going on.

I do, ABSOLUTELY, agree that it's incredibly important for a parent to protect a child from a new relationship for a good long while. The child needs time to adjust to his or her new world where the parents live separately and where they don't love each other. (Or at least, don't act like it.)

But don't, please don't, try to use your kids against the other spouse. It's just too hard on them. Don't make them pawns in your fight, no matter how tempting they are and no matter how much your H hurts you with his affair.

It will come back at you harder than you can possibly imagine. Don't get into this fight. Please.

I had a very similar scenario, though my kids are only 10, 7 and 6. I was so torn about what to do over it all, as my eldest two refused to go with their Dad when he was with OW before they married. I did a lot of talking to friends and my lawyer, counsellors and X as well, and in the end we decided to allow the kids to make up their own minds. So for that first weekend away, only the youngest went.

My X has been living overseas for the most part, so visits have been infrequent anyway. But when he did come home, my son refused to stay with them or go out with them for a day because they were NOT married, we were NOT divorced, and that it was WRONG. So, fair enough. I let them all decide and so did X, thankfully. Because I believe there can be a lot of damage done if we force children to go, and also damage if we encourage them to stay home.

Now my X and OW are married, and back here in Australia. They will have fortnightly weekend access, and our agreement is still that the children decide if they want to go or not. There is a lot for the kids to get used to now. The first weekend, they all went, and it wasn't so bad for them. I didn't like it, I can't stand the new wife.....but I do not let that interfere with their relationship with their Dad. I explained to them that if they want to see their Dad these days, she will be there because she is now his wife, and they seem to have accepted that. Their attitude, as it HAS to be for life to go on, is acceptance of the situation.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but the children need our help to adjust to the situation. Encouraging them one way or the other only confuses them and adds a loyalty issue to their already overloaded emotions. I had to really think about this, and I came up with what could be the most important thing about these visits....and the answer was spending time with their Dad. They NEED this. Unfortunately, OW/new wife is there too, but that is reality now.

No your WS and OW are not married, but they are living together...reality is that if your kids want to spend time with their Dad, they will have to do it in their home.

I did some internet research on new partners and children too, and they suggested a very slow introduction to the new partner. Perhaps you could do a similar search and find some information on how to handle visitations in the best way for the kids' sake.

Love and light,

Jacky

You have to be real careful with children. The kids love their dad. They are probably telling you one thing, their dad something else, and thinking a third. Also, you have to realize that it is more than "love" for teh kids--they know they are 50% him. So, to say "Your dad is a sinful b*****d" implies that the kid is also.

Let the kids do what they want to do. It will be much, much better in the long run.

womanoffaith5,

Screaming help then disappear ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

My 2 D is living 50% (alternate week) w/ my ExW, OM is living there and my ExW tries to push them to him.

Wanna know how I cope and need suggestion ??? ask again.

-rh-

RH
younger son spent the night at WH's duplex last night, with OW there. I haven't talked to him yet, becuase this morning WH and son were leaving for hunting, and they will be gone a week - just the 2 of them (older son refuses to go)
It kills me to think my son is staying there, but he wanted to try, so I let him and put a smile on my face for him.
I will report back when son returns from hunting, if he offers any information (he is 13 after all, so he can make his own choices about whether or not he wants to go over there)
I am not going to grill him - honestly I am getting to the point where I don't even care what WH does. His new lifestyle disgusts me.