Are you getting any kind of real marital counseling.

Are you religious? Even if you're not, almost all clergy members will sit down and talk to you if you need an ear. They generally don't ask for anything in return, either. Try seeking out someone like this who will be willing to listen and help you through the time without counseling. The clergy were doing this stuff long before psychologists and social workers got the gig!

JazzeyGirl...3rd trimester of pregnancy is not the time to make life decisions...remember thos hormones???

I have followed your story from the beginning. It definitely seems like your H loves you and your daughter and wants to do the right thing.

I am guessing that he suffers from sort of depression and probably other psychiatric issues (conflict avoider, passive agressive) all things that can only be treated with therapy and maybe meds.

Somehow you need to find a way to at least get him into your medical doctor (seem to remember that you might have insurance for this but not therapy)..they might be able to help.

When you are depressed it's hard to find the energy to do anything...he might be overwhelmed.

Sounds like he's not meeting your EN's are you consistently meeting his? Have you guys pulled the questionnaires back out lately and filled them out and graded each other.

Are you able to talk to him about your feelings without LB (hard under normal circumstances but pregnant even harder)?

Have you asked yourself and told him what he is doing right?

Sorry to have more questions then help but wanted to at least give you some food for thought.

Please think about asking him to come in and read your post. I know that he has a log in and has read and posted here before.

When you ask him about all of this what does he say?

I can relate to wanting to be his best friend. That's how A started with OW, friendship that ended up crossing the line.

One of the hard things that I had to acknowledge, deal with and change was that for awhile she was a better friend to him. She listened to him without judging, she let his feelings be about him...I needed to learn that. It was hard but I did it. I made it safe for him to talk to me...once I did that it was just a matter of time until we became each others best friend.

I realized that I didn't just love him, I didn't just need him...I really cared about him and his feelings. Funny thing is once you do that things start changing for YOU...once my H started seeing that I really cared, that I could listen without judging, that I could meet his EN's he started meeting mine and enjoying meeting them. We are almost a year past dday and he checks in with me at least a couple of times a week and asks me how he's doing.

Doesn't sound fair that BS has to do this but...the results are what counts.

You can learn a little more about our latest stages of recovery on the In Recovery Board...we've both posted there a couple of times over the past couple of weeks.

If your H is interested in learning more about how my H felt about EN's and mutually meeting them from a WS perspective please ask him to post a thread to my H (tellthetruth) on the In Recovery board and he'll answer any questions.

Good Luck!

JazzeyGirl...I can relate to your pain, horror, disbelief. I too felt those things. I wondered how I could stay with someone who could do all those things to me.

The hardest thing of all to accept is that he didn't do those things to me...he did them to/for himself.

You can read my posts from Dec/Jan/Feb timeframe and see my struggles...which were similar.

Please to to the recovery board and pull up 2ofakinds recent posts from a WS perspective, there is an excellent one in there about how he didn't do this to her, I think he posted it within last week or to.

Most people don't have A's because they want to hurt their spouse they do it for lots of other reasons (also some good recent posts on reasons for A's) weak, needy, psychological problems, etc. His A wasn't about you...it was about him...it was entirely selfish.

My H and I have spent lots of time analyzing his A, conditions of our M pre-A, our own individual problems (I was a control freak and would act like his mom alot..he was a passive/agressive conflict avoider). We both had individual IC, counseled with the SH, and regular MC. We read all the books and talked very openly. These are some of the things that lead to our successful recovery...most key thing is that we were both very motivated, we loved each other and our kids...we really wanted/needed this to work, so we through ourselves into recovery.

I really don't believe he started the A because you worked different shifts..that might have been part of the contributing factors but not main reason...he needs to dig deeper then that.

As for how I got past the pain of the A..hmmm...no real short answer for that. I would say that it is because I finally accepted that it wasn't about me, I acknowledged my role, I believed that he felt it was the biggest mistake of his life, I believed that he would give his life to take it back, I believed what our MC/IC said...he was temporarily insane and stupid, I believed that he learned how to handle life differently, I believed that he would never do anything to hurt me again, I believed that we moved to a completely open and honest relationship, we were both meeting each other's EN's, we enjoyed being together more then anything in whole world, many more things but I'm writing a book as it is.

I guess your next question might be what he did to make me believe all the above.

There was a thread in recovery titled "Can WS ever make up for all that was done" I posted a detailed reply on 9/16/03.

That posts holds our formula for getting to the great spot we are in now.

I would definitely ask your H to read that thread, I would recommend he read 2ofakind's thread titled "How can you say you love me and hurt me this way".

Last note...you'll see on the recovery board that last Friday my H took another polygraph for me...that was the closing of the last chapter in our recovery. There are a number of FWS's on the recovery board..go check out some of there stories.

Hang in there...there is hope for the two of you, I remember some of your posts from a few months ago...you were both very happy.

Jazzeygirl,
My story sounds much like yours. I'm new to this site, but saw your post and thought, "that's me." I, too am pregnant with my 2nd child, due in just 5 wks. The pregnancy was planned, but at wk. 10, H tells me we're "having problems." It's been a long road of confusion, lies, betrayal, ups and downs... But, I love my H so much, and know that this A is completely out of his character. He's recently been diagnosed w/anxiety/depression disorder, and has just started meds. His A continues, he says he doesn't know what he wants, and his therapist says he's not "clear-minded" enough yet to make the right decision. His A was just emotional at first, but for some reason, after promissing he "wouldn't go there," it went to the next level 4 mos. later. Now, he knows that he can not be physical with either me or her, and be able to make a clear, conscious decision. I always thought I would be the type of woman to leave her cheating husband, but we've also been together for 8 years, and I know what we once were, and could be again. So many people, I'm sure, think I'm foolish, for "hanging on" like I am, but I know that I have way more to lose than the OW does. By the way, she's just some young thing that needs the constant attention of any man, preferably those who are not "available." So, when you asked in your earlier post if anyone was in a similar situation, I am, and I completely understand!!! I never thought I'd be here. I'm currently staying with my Mother in Law, because it was much too difficult living in the same house with him (although we get along, still talk, hug each other), and not sleeping in the same bed each night, and having to listen to that damn phone ring. Yeah, that's right, she'd call him at our house, and the wound would just reopen each time she did. Then, after talking with her, he'd apologize to me. He also tells me he loves me and is so sorry, didn't see this coming, knew he could have stopped it months ago, etc... I too question, if he loves me, how could he treat me like this?

My H has an addictive personality, and throughout the years, I've seen him though several different dependencies. I've been his rock, and he knows that. My Mother in Law thinks that my H realizes that I'm such a strong person, and that he's not worried that I'll be able to make it through this. He knows that it's tearing me apart, and he's sensitive to my emotional outbursts, but at the same time, they just remind him of all the wrong doing he's done and that makes him feel guilty and a little irritated with me. So, I try to be strong, so that he won't be vulnerable to his ENs and flee to the OW.

He's just so blind right now. Although, a few weeks ago, the whole thing finally blew up in his face. Both me and the OW found out that he had been lying to both of us. I knew he was lying to me, and in an earlier phone conversation with her, I warned her that he was a great lier. Well, she found out that what he was telling her about our marriage was not the truth (that he was just waiting until the baby was born to leave, but we were a DONE DEAL). So, my H was forced to face the music and decided that it was time to quit juggling the two of us and start working on his "issues."

He reminds me that I am his best friend and that he couldn't imagine being without me... then the damn phone rings...

Sorry this is so long, just thought I'd share a little of what I'm going through, too.

I'm just hoping that the reality of it all will kick in soon, and he'll realize what he could lose...

It cost us $300 of well spent money for 4 questions.

How are you doing today? Were you able to read the posts? Any of it make sense or help?

I hope you are taking care of yourself...your baby needs you.

I'm sorry about your situation. Polygraphs are not 100% reliable so don't get your hopes too high and they do cost a lot.

You and your H are killing each other with LB's. You won't acknowledge or deal with your resentment and unforgiveness. Your H is shutting down emotionally and is in continual withdrawal. Perhaps he is tired of being hounded and bashed by your resentful attitude. I'm not excusing his past sin in any way, but if you choose to show some forgiveness and grace he may come out of his shell.

You say you want to be his best friend, and I commend you for that. Best friends forgive each other, unconditionally love each other, and support one another. There is no one victim in this, you made each other victims by your past conduct. You both need to get over the "victim" image and face reality.

I heard a similar situation on Dr. Laura's show. Her advice to the wife was to clean up, put on nice clothes and a smile, wear some sexy perfume, meet her H at the door, kiss and hug him, and plan for a romantic evening.

Humbling advice, huh? Especially when you feel your H should be doing this for you. But he's not going to because he is emotionally incapable of it at this point.

The lady called back to the show several days later and said she tried this approach. Her H was blown out of the water and he responded beyond her expectations. Their relationship has been great ever since she chose to break the ice.

Unfair? Maybe. Humbling? Yes. Effective? YES!

Try this and I believe you will be greatly and pleasently surprised. Belive me, syrup accomplishes more than vinegar. You can choose to nurture the resentment and anger or you can make the choice to set aside your "feelings" and make an attempt to reconcile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Best friends forgive each other, unconditionally love each other, and support one another...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Errr, actually MB is quite firm on this point. Love between husband and wife is not unconditional. It grows and diminishes based upon actions that spouses take toward one another.

Further, there are some actions that are "deal breakers." These actions are ones that are first approached through a negotiation technique. After a suitable period for the negotiations to come to a satisfactory conclusion and when one's love for the other spouse has dropped to a critically dangerous level, the spouse who is unable to live with a behaviour or action ends all contact with the other spouse in order to preserve what love remains.

Some of the most common behaviours and actions that are handled this way are infidelity and controlling behaviour. Behaviour that is directly threatening to the safety of the spouse or any children who are present (physical or sexual abuse, other addictions, etc.) normally means that contact is cut off immediately in order to protect the spouse and children's wellbeing.

So.

Having said all that, I think being best friends is a great thing. But that doesn't mean you silently accept behaviour that hurts you. It means that you speak out honestly about your emotions and you ask for changes in your spouse's behaviour. Politely, respectfully, calmly.

And no, I'm SO not perfect at this! I wish I were!

JG...I didn't think I could survive or tolerate my H having any type of A..I was one of those judgemental types who said..my H would never do that and if he did I would kick him to the curb!

Boy was I wrong. For the first several weeks after dday he stuck to the story that they only kissed and "lightly" made out. Then he confessed to heavier making out...then he confessed to one time PA. He told me as much as he "thought" I could handle and stay with him. It was really hard for me to stop saying things like, if you did more then kiss I'll leave you...why would he tell you the truth with that type of outcome...that's his worst fear...that you'll leave him.

I had to be his friend...I had to make it safe for him to talk to me. After he got it all out I had a small mental breakdown but our IC said that I did what I needed to do...I held it together until he got it all out and then I just collapsed. My H then came to my rescue and helped me through the rough spots.

I loved him and our life enough to tolerate the unthinkable and to then work to turn the worse experience of our life into the best experience.

Keep researching the tests...you can find one that is less expensive. It'll force the truth out and then you can work from there on counseling and rebuilding your relationship.

JG, I missed the part in your earlier post about the physical and emotional abuse. Can you please tell us more about that? If he is/has abused you that would require a different plan.

I understand how you feel. I felt all those things the intensity of the emotions of betrayal, disbelief, dirtiness, horror, anguish, disgust, anger, fury, heart brokenness, hopelessness, helplessness...I felt them all so intensely that for awhile I couldn't bear it and a couple of times tried to hurt myself....it was UNBEARABLE...,but somehow with his help, I did bear it. Not only that but am in an awesome place.

I'm not sure what type of a H he was pre-A, I didn't realize that he had an A before you married. My H was always a great H and never even thought about cheating prior to the A. Because I knew the "real" him and because he did the right things quickly, it allowed me to move past those feelings. I went to a place where I viewed the H that had the affair as a temporarily insane person. Our IC/MC gave me that term...funny, I read all the books, this site and that was the thing that allowed me to finally start putting things into perspective.

My DH wasn't himself when he had the A...he was acting out of character because he was in a bad place, I had withdrawn..lots of things had gone wrong in our lives and she was RIGHT THERE.

Steve Harley and our MC said that he's not the type to have done this...even though he was passive/agressive and a conflict avoider that wasn't enough to push him over the edge. It was that, me withdrawing, his depression/confusion over who he was, her needing him, her telling him everything a person could ever want to hear...so many things had to line up for this to happen. They both told me "HE WOULD NEVER DO THIS AGAIN".

If your H was never a good H or father, always had problems, never dealt with life well, wasn't responsible, had pyschological issues, was abusive, etc...pre A...if I had that to on top of an A....things would have worked out differently.

I guess my long rambling point is...if he's a good guy, who made a terrible mistake, during a bad time in his life and is still struggling...maybe he deserves a chance (if he's willing to do what it takes to get better)....if he was never that great and won't open up, take ownership and get help...then maybe you should think about Plan B.

I DO NOT THINK MY HUSBAND IS A BAD PERSON BECAUSE HE DID A BAD THING...HE'S A GOOD GUY WHO DURING A TIME OF TEMPORARY INSANITY MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE AND WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE IT BACK!!!

That being said, taking your thoughts/feelings out of the picture...who was you H and who is he now????