I just wanted to say that when I was in the initial "throes" of disclosure, you helped me tremendously with the book you suggested by Ed Wheat, Love Life For Every Married Couple. We read it, and gained much insight from it. This was one instrumental book that helped us through those initial stages. I saw on your post to Maya that your wife has filed for divorce..? What happened?

Thank you for asking. Things have not gone very well. In April, my wife and I attended a Retrouvaille conference which resulted in her telling me she was ending contact with the other man and going to work on our marriage. She tried, but couldn't end contact and she continued to lie to me that she had ended things. The weekend before we were to leave for a family vacation in Hawaii, I found a card on the computer (browser history) from the OM wishing her a great vacation and telling her how much he loved her and that he was still waitng for her. I confronted her with the information and she admitted she had been lying to me. I was devasted, but went on vacation anyways for the sake on the kids.<P>The Monday after we returned from Hawaii, they were talking again. This time my wife found out that the OM was already living with another woman (both still legally married wating for their divorces to be final; won't this be a match made in heaven). Her world was rocked; she had been dumped for another woman who lived in the same area as the OM (he lives in northern Colorado and we live in Tucson). After this, she started talking about moving out while she decided what she wanted to do about our marriage. The Friday night before our 17th wedding anniversary, I walked into the room where the computer is located. She greeted me with "You will never guess who I am talking to. I tried to instant message <OM>, but I got his new girlfriend instead." I couldn't believe what I heard. She was fighting about who did what to who with the OM's new girlfriend. When I asked her what she was thinking by messaging him, her response was "at least I didn't lie to you this time'.<P>Sunday night (7/25) it was clear to me it was time for plan B and I told her that I thought it would be best if she went ahead with her plans to move out and decide what she wanted to do. She moved out on August 2nd. I have paid all the security deposits, the pet deposits, and the first 2 months rent while she gets on her feet financially. We have had some nasty arguments since she moved out and some major lovebusters on my part Everything wrong with our marriage is apparently my fault.<P>I have been seeing a counselor (actually a pastor) since March of this year. He has helped me work through lots of issues in my life and helped me make changes I needed to make. It took both my wife and I to get our marriage into a state as bad as it was. I am ready to put everything I am and I have into rebuilding our marriage, but my wife refuses to try. She has tried counseling and comes back angry from the counselor. It's obvious she is angry at the world; her parents, me, the counselor, and God. She told me she doesn't care what is right or wrong, she is going to do what she wants for once in her life. At the advice of my counselor and a friend who is a senior pastor that I've known for years, I've agreed to her request for a divorce and I'm making it as easy as I can. I don't feel this is the right time for her to make this decision. She is in horrible pain and to a great degree denial, but she has to work through that. She has chosen to try to run from the problems and the issues she needs to face. It breaks my heart to do this, but at this point it's the right thing to do. I fear for her in that she is on a path of self destruction, but she can't see it yet.

I'm so sorry things have not worked out as you had hoped.<P>I wish I knew what to say to help. Maybe it's best that she be "on her own" to see where her heart really is.<P>Take care of YOURSELF while she's gone.

So sorry to hear about these turn of events. <BR>It sounds like your wife will hit rock bottom soon and realize what a mistake she's making, you've done so much for her to show her you love her, (like Maya said maybe it's best that she's out on her own.. and it's not going to be all peaches and cream, reality can hit hard sometimes). <P>Prayers are with you.

Maya<P>Thanks. I know I will be OK. God tells us in Jeramiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."<P>Hang onto to this while you are working on your marriage. Don't beat yourself over what you did. You have accepted responsibility. Use what you did to realize that we are humans with a cancer of our souls - sin and that apart from God we are helpless.<P>

Madelyn<P>Thank you for your kinds words. She is miserable. She's been on the phone and in tears over how miserable her life is. She's mad that I can afford to buy her out of the house and she can't afford anything. Reality can be tough.<P>Tom

Well, she left a telephone message Wed night that she made an appointment with a mediator to start the process. At this point, I am giving up. I have no heart left to try anymore. She will have to get her head screwed on straight and make peace with God before there is any hope for us anyways. Hopefully I can get through this without lovebusters. She told me it's not fair that I get to keep the house (even though I can afford to buy her out and not sell it using a realtor which gives her $$$ more). Talk about not fair - why couldn't she keep her pants on!