Hello out there...

I have recently posted on JFO but have a ? re: exposing the A. ALthough I think it is just an EA I'm not sure. He has gone to great lengths to lie to me about her and that makes me even more suspicious that it is a possible PA. Other lies too as far as how much she is/was paid, her job capacity. She is an employee of his, or former employee according to him.

He calls her at 1-2am to talk. H agreed to stop all contact but hasn't. He is more sneaky now, he faxes her and asks her to call him back so it won't show on his cell. Or I think he uses a calling card which can't be traced. When she IM's him (I monitor his e-mail) he cuts it short right away and says "hold-on" and the conversation ends, I know he calls her back, he has an idea of my monitoring but isn't quite sure and is playing it safe.

OW is single, no kids. Her brother is my H's best friend. Do I talk to her, her brother, family of hers, who if anyone? Can anyone help me? As far as I know he has not told her I know.

Collect as much information as you can before you confront or expose.

Can you afford a PI?

Sofea,

My sympathies -- I was in your situation last month. Was pretty sure it was an EA until I drove into town and confirmed that he was staying at her house not our apartment. Didn't hire a PI but did my own confirmation.

I also looked into recording the telephone calls because that was their only method of communication (other than arrangements made between them in public in a moment of privacy which obviously wouldn't happen if I was anywhere in the vicinity!). But I didn't get very far because the logistics defeated me. And it is illegal anyway so the only use would be to confirm in your mind that it is a PA, and you may hear extraordinarily painful things to boot.

Many people on these boards say that you should trust your gut. I've only read 1 post where the H said it turned out he was wrong. And if you read his post, there's still something very strange about his story.

My impression is that your gut can usually be trusted. After all, if they were just friends, he would not be lying to you.

It sounds as though you have already confronted him with your suspicions? If so, could you possibly do a bit of 180 to allay suspicions for a time? If he relaxed maybe then you could "catch" him out?

For example, I stopped looking at the call log for several weeks, showed no interest in figuring out who was calling and when. So then he stopped erasing the log. Now I can look whenever I want to.

Just a thought that worked for me. Not all H will be the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as I know he has not told her I know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately I wouldn't count on this. I think it may be better to expect the worst on this one. He's most likely sharing with her all of his frustrations, paranoia, etc. and this would include things you've discussed. It's why an EA hurts as much as a PA for many people...the trust between the two of you is damaged because the WS discusses things they shouldn't with another person, including personal (and often spiteful) thoughts about their BS.

Good luck...hope someone else can give you concrete ways to collect evidence!

Hi Lexxxy, thanks for responding. I can't afford a P.I. I have to do my own surveilance. I have seriously looked into bugging his home office. Too bad I couldn't hear both sides of the conversation though. Also would like to bug is car. He does alot of driving and talking. Just wondered at what point if at all you tell others of the A. Do I let family members know? Like his Mother & Father etc. OW doesn't have an H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by awed18:
<strong>Sofea,

My sympathies -- I was in your situation last month. Was pretty sure it was an EA until I drove into town and confirmed that he was staying at her house not our apartment. Didn't hire a PI but did my own confirmation.

I also looked into recording the telephone calls because that was their only method of communication (other than arrangements made between them in public in a moment of privacy which obviously wouldn't happen if I was anywhere in the vicinity!). But I didn't get very far because the logistics defeated me. And it is illegal anyway so the only use would be to confirm in your mind that it is a PA, and you may hear extraordinarily painful things to boot.

Many people on these boards say that you should trust your gut. I've only read 1 post where the H said it turned out he was wrong. And if you read his post, there's still something very strange about his story.

My impression is that your gut can usually be trusted. After all, if they were just friends, he would not be lying to you.

It sounds as though you have already confronted him with your suspicions? If so, could you possibly do a bit of 180 to allay suspicions for a time? If he relaxed maybe then you could "catch" him out?

For example, I stopped looking at the call log for several weeks, showed no interest in figuring out who was calling and when. So then he stopped erasing the log. Now I can look whenever I want to.

Just a thought that worked for me. Not all H will be the same.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as I know he has not told her I know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately I wouldn't count on this. I think it may be better to expect the worst on this one. He's most likely sharing with her all of his frustrations, paranoia, etc. and this would include things you've discussed. It's why an EA hurts as much as a PA for many people...the trust between the two of you is damaged because the WS discusses things they shouldn't with another person, including personal (and often spiteful) thoughts about their BS.

Good luck...hope someone else can give you concrete ways to collect evidence!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Awed18, thanks for your input. By the way how were you able to quote me???? The post ahead of this one was my feeble attempt. Help!

I have confronted H many, many times. And I have tried the delay strategy too. A good one I think by the way. Thank you

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: Sofea ]</small>