I'm curious to see what everyone's opinion is on the subject. That once someone has an A they will more then likely do it again with the current spouse.

Who is you target demographic? Waywards are likely to answer very differently form betrayeds.

I get frustrated by issues like this and I don't see the point in it. It's been dealt with over and over again in the forums and usually ends up in an argument between people who believe they could never have affair and people who have.

Somehow, I changed to BECOME a cheater - it ought to be obvious that I can change to NOT be one.

I know, I know...it's only a poll and I can ignore it if I don't like it.

Let me know if I need to schedule an appointment with the tattoo shop to get a big scarlet "A" tattooed on my forehead. Better yet, I could go to the vet and be neutered! That'd keep me from straying, wouldn't it?

Low

It's out of curiosity of people's opinions. A poll doesn't have to have an argument attached to it. I myself haven't read any "yes/no" arguments yet.

That is a valid point about changing to NOT be a cheater. I guess the question should be re-worded to- Are WS usually willing to change their ways?

Sorry I didn't mean to offend any WS who are truly trying to change.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I can't believe the many responses to "YES they can change BUT with a lot of hard work."

it's great to keep possitive BUT don't allow yourselves to be blinded.

sorry maybe I'm a just being a bitter person right now.

nevermind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I realize this site is PRO-MARRIAGE and don't think I wouldn't love to be that way..been here for 4 months. Applied concepts, read books, read, read, read, applied, applied, applied, and all a one sided street too! I could have had a degree by now for all the studing I've done to inprove what couldn't have been fixed in the first place. So, I guess for that...I feel like I've built up false hopes.

Good poll topic though. Don't let me ruin what you are trying acheive here because I'm a bitter BS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: FINDING_CLARITY ]</small>

Hey Finding_Clarity,

I'm trying to figure out for myself whether this road is worth traveling again or if it's a lost cause. 3months pending Dday here but the affair is at least 6months old. I hate to waste more time on a dead cause.

I totally agree with you on the reading/studying part. I have never studied this hard or read so much material in all of my life combined! I think I should become a marriage counselor.

Eduard,

I just wanted to come back and apologize for my snappy thread earlier. Please forgive me. I know you're hurting and just trying to figure it out. I'm not offended at all.

I know the outcome of your poll will be interesting, but I'd caution you against letting it have too much sway on your decisions. While affairs have many common traits, they have some very individual and unique traits as well.

In my case, this was my only affair. My wife was willing to take me back and I was willing to do everything I had to to restore our marriage. We both have had to deal with people asserting that a "leopard doesn't change it's spots", meaning that they think she's crazy because they think I'll do this again because it's "in my nature".

It doesn't help us and it gets old.

Low

I'm glad that many here agree with me that we don't always cheat again.

Cheating was the biggest mistake of my life, and I'll forever have to live with this heinous act I committed against the man I love/d. I'm divorced because of it, and I would give anything to wind back the clock and take the wiser road.

Many who cheat do learn, and would NEVER repeat that destructive behavior again.

HP

While it is true that there are many similarities between WS's, there are many disimilarities as well. One one end there are people that became WS because of a ONS who never again do anything like that ever again and on the other end you have serial cheaters who have cheated multiple times with multiple partners during their married lives (my ex-WW, first wife, falls into this category). And in-between you have the rest of the WS population. So no I don't agree with the old saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'.

You know, I don't believe for a minute that its true "once a cheater, always a cheater." I think there ARE serial cheaters, just as there are serial liars, but cheating does not mean a person is doomed to a life of cheating any more than one who tells a lie is doomed to a life of lying.

With many of the WS' that I have seen on this site over the years, cheating was an aberration of character, not a lifestyle. They showed their true character by facing the things that led to cheating and making changes. Just look at the remorse from some of the WS' on this forum. I believe that character is found not in acting perfect, but in how we handle shortcomings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> cheating was an aberration of character, not a lifestyle. They showed their true character by facing the things that led to cheating and making changes. Just look at the remorse from some of the WS' on this forum. I believe that character is found not in acting perfect, but in how we handle shortcomings. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody:
Wish I could relate with this comment. I have forever (it seems) tossed around ideas as to why my H had become a serial cheater. I actually believe it wasn't mistakes that were continually made, it actually became a lifestyle for him.

I really believe that everytime someone knew, or partisipated in the act with him knowing he was a M man & never said anything...they continued to feed to the fire that had become. To hot to realize what it was that kept him burning. For 7 years he had this lifestyle of infedilities & lies. He claims he has no idea why he continued to do these things & that he has no guarantee he will never do it again.

It is crazy that a person can put so many lives at risk, go through sooo much pain loosing it all & then still can't guarantee that it won't happen again. Those words were crushing to me.

I really commend (and if there is a higher and more defined word to redefine "commed" let it be worded as such) the men & woman that have made that mistake. Gone on to do everything in their power to make right by it & stick by their spouse, work on themselves, and appreciate what they do have....praising god & being thankful everyday for the second chance their spouses & god have given them...That makes a true person.

What I wouldn't give to just have a third of that remorce, regret, whatever it may be...from my H. He just acts blank. I would have at least wanted to feel like I was worth fighting for. Now he is wallowing in his own depression & really not finding answers to anything in order to make himself a better man. (with or without me) It is terribly frustrating to have someone in your life that you love so very much & you see has no determination to be anything more then he is now.

Thank you for letting me get some things off my mind this morning. Ahh...soo tired of all this. Love shouldn't have to be this hard to fight for. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Loworbit- That's quite alright. There are many emotions involved here. While I wish some poll/post was the give all answer to my particular situation I know it's not. But I can't lie and say it doesn't affect my thoughts.

While it does not help you when people bring this sore subject up, it does help people in my situation when there are people who have been through it say "no, serial cheating is not the norm." Thank you

Hopeful_person That is one of the reasons for trying to give my WW another chance. To at least have the chance to rectify her mistake and not have it be such a haunting memory. Thank you for your post I know it must be difficult.

Toomuchcoffeeman Have to agree with you there.

Melodylane Great points. True character is not defined by lifes events but in how we handle the outcomes.

Finding_Clarity *HUGS* If Love was so easy it wouldn't be so good.