Here's the story, on Wed he told me he was probably going out (not with me). Well, he went by himself to a nearby town that's having a rally and was suppposed to meet up with a male friend. Friend never shows. My H goes to an open air concert, by himself, gets drunk, doesn't want to drive, sleeps in his SUV and that's why he didn't wasn't at his house. He swears he was alone the whole time.<P>Unfortunately, he told me pretty much this same story last year, same rally. He was with her. This is not helped by the fact that I woke up out a sound sleep that night at 1:00 and KNEW he was with someone which also happened a lot last year while he denied his affair. Ick. Now I don't know if this is a new women, the OW or...my imagination. I said, "If you want me to believe you, be with me both Friday & Sat nights. Sat, yes. Fri, no--he needs his space, he's sorry for his past actions that cause me to have no faith in him, but it's just pushing on my part.<P>I don't need to be hit with a plank. He's cheating, I just don't know for how long. He hasn't talked that much in months. Lying makes him suddenly verbal. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I AM going out with him Sat., that I know for sure.<BR>

oh lor, YUCK!<BR>i hate this for you.<BR>"I need my space"-what IS that, anyway?<BR>sigh

Lor<BR>I have nothing constructive to say except I'm glad you are doing things for you.<BR>Are we learning anything here? I think maybe we should be learning that we can only do so much and then they are on their own.<BR>We just can't fix it if their heads are buried in the sand.<BR>Prayers for you always!

Lor,<P>So sorry to hear about your problem. I'm still rather new here. But I think I've read about every post for the last 6 weeks. <P>I just wanted to say I understand. I'm pretty sure that my spouse is no longer cheating. The trust is coming back...BUT...occasionally, last night for example, he will say something that just gets my mind working.<P>Last night it was I saw so and so (just a family friend) driving down Elm street. Now that seems like a reasonable statement. He’s sharing what happened to him during the day. He’s talking. He’s telling me that he saw a friend of ours that we haven’t seen in a while. All of this talking while laying together on the couch. Now you say so what could possibly be wrong. WELL….you see Elm street is not a street that he would travel on go to and from work. The only time that we have not been together is when we are at work. So my mind starts wondering and one thing leads to another. Of course when I finally asked there was a completely honest and reasonable explanation as to why he was on that street.<P>Most of the time everything is fine….but that darn TRUST is the hardest thing to regain.<BR>

Lor,<P>Carry a condom on Sat. night. Protect yourself. <P>Connie

So, everybody would have some difficulty buying the story of sleeping alone in the SUV?<P>TxOnline: my H's affair is supposed to have been over for 7 months, but I have had all these weird separations to deal with. A few weeks ago I hoped he was coming out of withdrawal.<P>Part of me wants to believe him (It could happen) and trust in him and other part shouts "FOOL!" I've posted before that it was Aug 6 last year when he moved out the first time, so all of this also feels like deja vu, worsened by hearing the same story. He's kind of got that sparkle back--or have his anti-deps kicked in? Anyway, the Sat night date returns us to the rally, something he absolutely refused to do with me last year. Today he's making reservations for Disney World for the family in Sept. I'm considering just hanging in until then--with those "lowered expectations" that have been advised on my threads before and of course Plan A. What's another month when I've already been at this over a year? And of course my Plan B attempt felt so miserable and not "right".<P>Do I look at my suspicions as merely a set back? I've looked at VMV & K's postings--where they say there WILL be set backs. When my H was at the house yesterday he snaked the bathroom sink because it was running slow and fixed something else that was broken. His language of love is (Chapman: 5 love languages) is service, so I know he's still trying...in some ways. And he stopped by my work twice today, once just now. Feeling rather kindly toward him, and only 10 second kissed him (Kriedman: book same title) and said "See you tomorrow." when he left--he was smiling. No quizzing on his plans for tonight. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't ask so many questions, then he wouldn't have to lie so much...? I don't know, it doesn't seem like I can stop all the questions.<P>TNT, I've thought about condoms. We've talked about condoms. He gave me a rather permanent STD last time--and she's a health care nurse who didn't use condoms! I've talked a LOT with him about not endangering the life of his children's mother...our sex life has been so great, even while separated. I choose to look at that as a relationship strength, but sometimes I wonder if I'm nuts.

No, Lor - I don't think you are nuts.<P>But maybe if you don't question him, and don't act distrustful - but suggest he uses a condom, he may start to realize that he hasn't been taking the best responsibility in building this marriage lately.<P>It's just wise on your part to protect yourself. God wants us to use wisdom, too. I believe this marriage will be restored, definitely. But you need to protect yourself until you don't have those questions in your heart anymore.<P>

<P>I don't know what my H is doing tonight, but anyone who prays please pray that he is confronted by the Holy Spirit everywhere he turns, that his unstable ways come to an end, that the unholy cistern he is drinking from runs dry and turns to dust. And any other personal favorites you may have for infidelity.<P>I trust in God and believe my marriage to be restored. Right now I'm feeling God's comfort and strength. <p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited August 14, 1999).]

I guess its too late now, but next time he wants his space let him stay and you go out!

I suggested that RWD, but it didn't go. I really feel that tonight is his slide to hit bottom. He's gotten close before, but I think I rescued him. He has to rescue himself--by God's grace. There have been times I have hared off to find him, but God has anchored me to the house with an extra child to watch.

Lor,<P>I don't know if this will help but here's what I try to do.<P>Whenever he does something that I think is questionable I tell myself these things:<P>1. I remind myself of recent actions that indicate he wants to work on the marriage.<P>2. He says he loves me.<P>3. He says he doesn't want a divorce. <P>4. He's confused and needs space.<P>5. He wants to be a full time father.<P>6. He doesn't want to purposely hurt me again.<P>Remember, our husbands are emotional nightmares right now and I think it makes them do things that we see as strange. I belive that the guilt they feel from causing so much pain to the person they love is so overwhelming that they can't forgive themselves.<P>I know it's hard to do things for ouselves because of our children. I really only have one babysitter so the kids are my responsibility 99% of the time. I'm taking the advice from Divorce Busters and others on this board; Doing things for myself. The other night after everyone was fed and doing their own thing I just announced that I was going shopping at 8:00PM. Everyone was stunned but off I went, I needed a break. Last night I went out by myself for drinks with some old friends and came home when I wanted to. Had a great time. I did ask H if he wanted to go along but he declined. I've decided that I will continue with plan a, meet his needs and my childrens needs but now that the kids are older I'm resuming a social life outside of cub scouts, hockey and school. I'm going to rebuild friendships and do things I enjoy. If he wants to join me, fine, if not oh well. I'm starting to realize that the end of our marriage would hurt but I would survive. He's the one that will feel guilty and suffer the rest of his life if that should happen.<P>Sorry, I started rambling.<P>Hoping

Hey no problem, Hoping.<P>Yesterday my H took the day off. I only worked an hour, but said I'd give him time with the kids, so I gathered up a friend went to the mall & had lunch with her. Dropped her off, picked up another friend and went to "Runaway Bride." Very cute by the way, nothing that made me cry and I laughed a lot. So I was gone about 6 hours. But he had no curiousity where I had been. With my lowered expectations, I wouldn't expect him to .

Good for you. <P>It feels good doesn't it. <P>Remember, time and patience. I know you've been at this over a year and you're doing great. <P>I try to remember that my H was in this other relationship over five years before discovery but... He was here five out of seven days a week and the nights he was gone he was home by ten. He was here for all the holidays and vacations. She got the short end of the stick. He hasn't left me for her yet.

I called my pastor earlier, my counselor is out of town, but we counselled with my pastor right after discovery. He told me that I should practice being nonreactive, yet stay connected with my H (sound like Plan A in different language to anyone? Yep). I don't need to confront my H with what I know, as all I actually know is that he has lied, he already knows he's lied. I could say a friend has given me some information about him that I'm processing or something like that but all in all, I should just go out tomorrow with him and have a good time and aim for letting things be until Sept & Disney World when I have him all to myself and my girls. Which is kind of what I had decided today in my earlier post. Nice to have it confirmed by my pastor.<P>Nonreactive, nonconfrontative...sounds hard, just like everything else, but it is a path I have had some success with my H on, I just haven't stuck with it. Of course when my H said he was moving out because he couldn't stand how hard I was working on the marriage might have had something to do with that. I didn't think I was working hard, but maybe he did feel the change, he's used to me pushing & pulling.

Lor, take it from a sorry excuse for a husband..before I rededicated my life to Christ, that is...I smell a big ol rat! Your suspicions are most likely correct. Confront him about it...confront him about giving you the same story last year..but do it according to Doc H's plan.."I need space." I have heard that line before because it uttered from my lips many times before I went out alone and succumbed to lust..let him know what you are feeling..Bless you in the name of Christ.

I presented him with my information this morning. He's been seeing her since he moved out a month ago.

Lor<BR>I'm having computer problems so having a hard time following things.<BR>Did he explain how much he has been seeing her? Did he have anything else to say?<BR>In the state I am in right now I'd like to line them all up and go at them from one side with my two by four and you could go from the other side with the frying pan.<BR>Maybe we need to just let thim wallow in their self destructiveness!<BR>Did you ever read the article on "His Midlife Crisis"? I don't remember the address of it but I know you can get to it by typing in "Midlife Crisis" in the browser and doing a search. It helped me a lot. I think it made me understand how helpless I was in getting H out of this. That he had to find his own way. I found out what not to do. And got info on what to do for me.<BR>I'm glad you went to the movie.<BR>Keep taking care of yourself!<BR>

Lor, wasstuborns right. Go read that article. I went and reread it yesterday and what a reminder! I printed it out to read when needed. Sometimes theres just nothing you can do that will make a difference so don't beat yourself up. It's over at the friends and lovers site. I don't have the url.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Sometimes I read things at this site that make me want to jump through my computer and strangle someone. This is one of those situations.<P>Lor, you have been good, strong and brave. You don't deserve this ****.<P>The only advice I have for now is to not make a decision for a little while. Regroup, think, get advice, hang out with friends and family, live a good life, and let the answer come to you.<P>Regardless of what happens, have faith in happy endings.

Lor,<BR>I read this earlier and it made my blood boil.<P>The only thing you H now has going for him is his recent diagnosis of major chronic depression. At least you can look at it "in sickness and in health." By the way, has he started any meds for that?<P>You are incredible Lor. I am afraid I would have gone into plan KTC...kick to curb.<P>I think the cruelest thing is to tell you he wants marriage, just needs to be apart....leaving out the part he needs to be apart so he can date more convienently. <P>He is a married man with beautiful girls. Falling once and recovering is one thing, he is showing no respect for even himself. Maybe that's the depression showing.<P>Lor, I am so sorry. If you think he truly needs help because of the depression, do what you have to do. Otherwise, I think you need to think about making decisions in the context of what is best for the stablilty and health of your girls and yourself.<P>You're still in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13