I'm pulling this out of Eric's post...so as to not thread jack his issues...AND because I am not feeling very Marriage Builders like lately...and am having a difficult time not serious suggesting bodily harm be granted to some WS in a Soprano's kind of way.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Though Lorrena Bobbitt almost seems rational to me at times lately...

OK OK OK OK OK OK!!!!!!!!!!!!that's not true....but I'm not takin it back either...

see here's motherofpearls post... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
ARK,
I'm new to the site. I can see you're very familiar with MBs and how the whole process could work for a couple. I see how you're trying to help Eric and you've reminded him of Plan A.

My WH is attempting to distance himself from both me and the OW, so that he can work on himself through counseling, anti D's, etc... He says he still is not sure what he wants, and his therapist says that he can not make a clear decision until the meds kick in and he starts to make some sense of what it is he is doing with his life. I respect this, and although it kills me to not see him everyday, I know this is the way he needs to do it. However, he still sees the OW at work nearly everyday (she conveniently had her schedule changed to almost match his), and I know for a fact that she calls him on the phone so much more than I call him. (And, we have one child together, with another on the way...)

Anyway, my point is that I'm trying not to bother him, and trying to give him the space he needs, however on the other hand, I'm afraid that this constant contact he receives from her will interfere with his course of action.

When I am with him, I try to be sensitive to his ENs, to show that I still care and want to help him through this. The last thing I want to do is to seem cold and uncaring and send him right into her arms. This is so hard for me right now, because the betrayal hurts so much, and I feel like he should be meeting my ENs (baby's due in 5 wks), but I'm willing to fight for this marriage. I have so much more to lose than the 23 year old girl that happened to catch him on a vulnerable day...

WH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4.5, and the EA started back in April. It did go physical about 6wks ago, but since H started therapy and meds, he's aware that he cannot be physical with either of us if he is to really make a definate decision between us. I hope he's sincere here...

H tells me that he's sorry, that he knows he blew the best thing he ever had, but that he just doesn't know what he's doing. He also says that he loves me, we're still best friends and that he can't imagine life without me. I don't want to be naive either, and I know he's told her in the past what she's wanted to hear too, but I also told him that if he had no intention of working things out with me, and was just sticking it out through the pregnancy, then to let me go before this baby comes, so I can at least know that when I bring him home, his Daddy won't be staying. He swears that is not his plan.

Do you think I'm going about this with the right attitude? Thanks for any input.

MotherofPearl

mother of pearl..blessings to you..
I would like to address sometihngs with you as well..
your husband stands at that great point of self wallowing in guilt and blame...to the point that they relieve themselves of any real responsibility of their actions...

ie
I'm such a **&^ up..there's no point now in fixing it...

Is their affair exposed...to family...you need support...

baby in five weeks... (hello little baby)

what is his plan when the baby is born...is he going to help you..or are seeking out others...

do you know his top needs...five...
Is he spending time with you and your other little one?
Is he spending time at home..
where is he living...
there are ways to offer support that break down the defense of I've messed it up soooo bad..there's no hope...gag puke...

perhaps we can move your post up to get some more input...

ARK

Here's more of the story...

Ark,
Thank you for your response. Just to answer a few of your ? After avoiding the majority of his family for months, he finally told just about everyone. But now, exactly what he was trying to avoid is happening. They're all getting in his face and putting in their 2 cents. So, now he's avoiding most of them again. I'm staying with his mother and he is in our house. Why did I leave, you may ask? A couple of reasons. It was much too difficult to be in the same house with my husband and not share our bed with him, basically feeling like roommates. The OP (I have a hard time referring to her as a "woman"), would call, and he would call her. I felt that I was just killing time in my house (I'm currently unemployed), allowing my H to have a girlfriend, and just waiting for him to "figure it out." He said that he would find another place to stay, but #1, we really can't afford that, #2, I felt that would send him right over to her place, and #3, on the nights that he does have our daughter, I want her to at least be in a familiar home, not just some bachelor pad he's staying at or the OPs. I guess in a sense, I've been playing this game by his rules for so long, that I figured I needed to take a little control of something. He seems ok with the situation.

He does see our daughter, though it's at his convenience. I haven't devised any type of schedule. He either comes to his Mother's to see her or I take her to our place. He does spend time with me, and has even attempted intimacy, but like I stated in my previous post, we both believe that is not what he really needs right now. Besides, even though I really want to give it my all, intimacy is a cruel reminder of the PA. He is affectionate towards me, often just holding me, or reaches out to touch my hand. We always hug when we leave each other. It's just such a confusing place, right now.

His family is very supportive of me, and he knows that. He was telling me just the other day that he and his cousin were going to get the house ready for me to bring baby home. He said that he wanted me to come back to the house and that if we were still in "limbo," he would find another place to stay, possibly with this same cousin. I told him again, we can't afford it, and that I had already prepared myself to just bring the baby home to his Mother's. He seemed a little disappointed, but understood. I know that he will be there for me when baby comes, that's not a question. Despite everything he's going through, and the poor decisions he's made, he is a family man at heart, and usually thrives at times like this.

I was just talking to his cousin the other day (H has confided in this particular person quite a bit), and he told me that H said that he needs to make a decision really soon. I told the cousin that he cannot make a decision solely because this baby will be here soon. Although in my heart, I want him to committ to me 100%, and committ soon, I also don't want him to do it out of obligation, and then after the height of having new baby comes and goes, he realizes that he made the wrong decision.

The sad part is, that H has told me that he knows there is no trust between him and the OP. They have both lied to each other, she's already cheated on him. What is it about her that's got such a hold on him? She *&)%s up and all she has to do is tell him, "I know I messed up, but I'm really in love with you." He folds... YUK.

No, I do not know his top 5 ENs. I will print them out today and maybe ask him tonight. Is there a way that I can do this somewhat discreetly? Other than seeing his therapist and taking his meds, I'm not sure how receptive he would be to me attempting Plan A. H knows nothing of this site, it's my own source of retaining any sanity.

I'd better get going and tend to my daughter.

Mother of Pearl

Me=31
WH=29 (on the brink of the big "30", if that means ANYTHING)
Met Oct. 95
Married March 99
EA April 03
Dday May 30, 03
Still in "limbo"