Hi all , New here. Having a really hard time letting it go. D day was april 28 this year. It was a long drawn out thing when i found out becasue he kept lying and i kept digging until i found out everything. Since then hes sworn its over but he keeps trying to contact her on the computer, He adds her name constantly to his list and he has had two conversations with her. And every time he lies to me until i put proof in front of his face. Then its always the same I sware ill never hurt you like this again, im done. I keep a tracking device on the computer and he knows it. But he still continues to do it. It has been two weeks since he last talked to her but he knows hes always being watched. And latly I just cant get the thought of the whole affair and him wanting to talk to her out of my mind. I think about it so much its driving me crazy. I dont know how to let it go . I cant keep going on like this , she is with us no matter what we do and I cant keep doing this. I really do want to work on my marriage. After all of the stuff ive put up with im still here and I am willing to give him one last chance so I need to know how to get this out of my head. I know i will never forget but isnt it supposed to be getting easier?
Thanks for letting me ramble LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Bubbles:

Sorry to meet you!
As far as this getting better .... it probably isn't going to get better until he quits contacting her. Each time there is contact between them, you start all over again in terms of working on your marriage.

Have you read any of the articles on this website? I encourage you to do this. Also, the book, "Surviving an Affair" is a must read for your situation. You can purchase the book through this website.

There are also questionnaires you can print out to help you determine your "Emotional Needs" (ENs) for you and your husband. These will give you a guide of what is important to you and your husband and find out what might be missing in your marriage.

Please know that you are not alone in this. We've all been there and done that are willing to help you and listen. You cannot change him but you can change yourself to become a better person.

Your husband is exhibiting what is known around here as "being in the fog". He is so wrapped up in his other life of the affair that he really doesn't realize what he is doing. Until he wakes up from that, he isn't going to act like your husband.

You will learn from reading, doing quesionnaires, and posting on here.

Take care of yourself. Others will be along soon to give more advice.

DB

Hi Bubbles,

Sorry to hear about your situation. And like Dazed I can't lie and tell you it gets any easier. In fact it gets much worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your best bet is to read the "surviving an affair" book, reading posts here and the other information on this web page. Formulate a plan and stick with it. When you are struggling or not sure of what to do, come here for support. While we aren't professionals, a great many of us have been in your situation.

An affair is addicting and even worse than drugs. And what Dazed said is absolutely right.

Best of luck and God Bless!

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: Eduard ]</small>

I've got some good news and bad news.

Good news: It does get better.

Bad news: Not anytime soon and the bad emotions will grow stronger in the short run.

You can make it. It will not be easy. But if done right you will have a stronger marriages. Yes its a terrible terrible way to go about strengthening a marriage but hey it is what it is.

Hang in there.

the reason you can't get past it is that it is not over. It won't be over until he is "no contact" with the OW. Then you can work on healing but not before.

I am sorry for your pain. Like your H, my H also lied (actually for 6 years). The lies almost ended our marriage, more so than the actual affair. Yes, it will take a long time to recover. But it can be done.

I suggest reading Torn Asunder and NOT Just Friends. As the others said, you can't do anything until he stops ALL contact. The waiting is awful.

Also, the article 'shattered vows' at findarticles.com is very good.

keep posting and good luck

I second the comment of DB: it is not going to get better for you until he completely ends contact with her, forever. To help you get there I highly recommend you read "Surviving an Affair" TOGETHER. Discuss each chapter. Do the suggested exercises and questionnaires.

Beyond that, click on the link in my signature line for some of the tools we found that helped us. If he refuses to end contact, and/or won't agree to read with you and go to counseling, read over the Plan A links in my signature line page, and come back with more questions.