My affair has offically ended. The OW asked that I not contact her in anyway. Even though I know this is for the best I feel "excommunicated". It is all that I can do to keep from calling or e-mailing. At he same time my wife and I are in counseling and I am attending a "loss of relationship" group. I wake up thinking about the other woman and I go to sleep the same way. I am taking medication for depression but my doctor informed me that there is no pill that can help me through this. My mind tells me that I will be better in time. It's been more than a year since D-Day but only about a month since my last phone call to her. I feel that I am looking for something that does not exsist. I feel that if I do call the other woman I will feel better but it seems to be just postponing the agony so I do not call. I think I am on the right path but it is so very difficult. Honestly I do not want it to be over but I know it is better for all concerned. I just don't think it is better for me. I guess I am just looking for support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I would like to ask oyu a few things but dont want you to feel Im attacking or being harsh...Because it isnt my intention,
If you feel it is not fo rthe best for you, why are you there, and why counseling???If your not trying one hundred percent, why hurt your spouse like this. I commend you for being honest, I commend you fo rnot calling, but could it be shes a habit, and right now being told dont talk to me is bothering you because noone likes to be told to go away...
I dont know, I wish I had a answer fo ryou or a pill, I see your still home so so,ewhere deep down you must wanna be there, and thats a great start, so may i maek a suggestion??
When the urge hits to call the ow call your wife
Put your wife in your mind, I wish you luck, I truely do, its a addiction and hard as heck to kick or so IM told. But I also know it hurts hurts alot when you find out your putting all you got into it and they are still talking or he thinks they should be...I hope you can read ths and know Im jsut curious and would like to see you think things all the way thru and taking responsibility is a great step...If you can find it in your heart to be totally honest with yourself and your wife you might surprise yourself...good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtmorethanheknows:
<strong>I would like to ask oyu a few things but dont want you to feel Im attacking or being harsh...Because it isnt my intention,
If you feel it is not fo rthe best for you, why are you there, and why counseling???If your not trying one hundred percent, why hurt your spouse like this. I commend you for being honest, I commend you fo rnot calling, but could it be shes a habit, and right now being told dont talk to me is bothering you because noone likes to be told to go away...
I dont know, I wish I had a answer fo ryou or a pill, I see your still home so so,ewhere deep down you must wanna be there, and thats a great start, so may i maek a suggestion??
When the urge hits to call the ow call your wife
Put your wife in your mind, I wish you luck, I truely do, its a addiction and hard as heck to kick or so IM told. But I also know it hurts hurts alot when you find out your putting all you got into it and they are still talking or he thinks they should be...I hope you can read ths and know Im jsut curious and would like to see you think things all the way thru and taking responsibility is a great step...If you can find it in your heart to be totally honest with yourself and your wife you might surprise yourself...good luck</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you for your response. I am doing one of the things you've suggested and that is calling my wife when I have the urge to call the other woman. In fact I am trying to be a better communicator in general especially when it comes to my feelings. I want to re-build her trust in me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong>Thank you for your response. I am doing one of the things you've suggested and that is calling my wife when I have the urge to call the other woman. In fact I am trying to be a better communicator in general especially when it comes to my feelings. I want to re-build her trust in me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good to hear but as in the A, you had help. So in recovery it is better for you and your W if you both have help.

Do you have a good MC or can you both or individually do some phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri @ mb?

Also please review the concepts section above. ASAP get ahold of the books Suriving an Affair, His needs/Her needs both are by Dr W. Harley.

Take the emotional needs questionnaire, understand what POJA and radical honesty means.

Know that you and your W may go through different types of phases in all this. Including anger.

My advice to both of you is to put the other's interest ahead of your own (that's not my idea....from a much higher source). Also pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Start small but giving a smile, a nice thought, pleasant messages, cards, flowers, chocolate, etc. The more you spend time thinking of each other, the more you will care for each other. The love feelings will come later.

Court her. Ask her out to a dinner/movie date, etc. Set time aside each week just for each other. Harley's recommend 15 hours of couple time a week. That does not include while you are sleeping, ok??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep posting and take care.

L.

Hey, buddy,

I know it's tough. You're only one month out. Letting go takes time. I've been there, done that. Keep coming here. You have our support.

Let me offer this from experience...trying to contact your OW will just keep HER life in turmoil as well as yours. If you cared anything for her, you have to let her go.

It's real important that for at least the next 2 or 3 months you stay busy AND accountable to your wife. You life must be an open book to her...email, calendars, work schedule, bank account, etc.

If you do this, your knowledge that any abberation in those areas will be immediately evident to your wife will be enough deterrent to help you avoid falling.

Stay busy by focusing on work and being creative with your relationship. Most men have the EN of recreational companionship. Since you are "Hiker", I would suspect you might. Find things to do together. Hike, bike, windowshop, movies. Avoid spending too much time alone.

Lastly, work with your doc to ween off the anti-depressants. In my experience, anti-d's made me TOO comfortable in social situations, making it easy to develop inappropriate relationships. Sometimes, inhibitions are a good thing.

All just my humble opinion,

Low

<small>[ October 02, 2003, 07:11 AM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

Thank again for your replies. I was not sure if this forum would produce the results that I wanted but the support feels real good and seems to have a better effect than the anti-d's. The anti-D's haven't really done much of anything except, intially, put me to sleep.

We have a mfc that we are working with together. Her main focus is to get us to comuunicate on a deeper level and to communicate about everything.

We have read one Dr. Harley's books but we need to go back to it again. I know I need to have patience with this process. I poured my entire self out to the OW and now it seems as though I have nothing left inside of me to give to anyone else. Funny, the OW, said this is how I would end up feeling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hiker:
<strong>... I poured my entire self out to the OW and now it seems as though I have nothing left inside of me to give to anyone else. Funny, the OW, said this is how I would end up feeling.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never said OWs were not smooth talkers. Nor are they dumb, just selfish.

L.

First off good luck on your marriage.

Your grieving and it will take time. A month isn't long enough. When my WW left on DDAy it took me almost 3 months before I felt some balance and contol so hang tough.

I know this may be like looking in the mirror but think about what type of person the OW was to engage in an affair with a married man. Is that really the type of person you want to be with??

I think the tough part for you may be the fact it wasn't your decission to end the affair. It was the OW.

Now heres the 2 x 4 Sorry but welcome to the BS club. Now imagine how it must feel for your wife, family and friends who have years of love and bonding with you to finaly discover that you had an affair.

stay strong and don't expect change over night and don't be affriad to take a fun break away from all the hard relationship stuff. With your wife and family of course.

Goodguy et al
I do appreciate the good advice. The OW is married too. There hasn't been a D-day in her life and I hope there won't be seeing what we've been through. I have been trying to grasp the impact all of this has had on my w and it is beyond conception, I just know it has been horrible for her. I have so many struggles going on within me that it is difficult to sort it all out. I can't see OW but I still want to; I would like to somehow purge her from my heart and mind and yet I still care about her.

I know what is best for all concerned and so my efforts are to pour my entire will into my w and marriage to give us a future again. It helps me to write these words, see them and know that others are reading them as well. It gives me a certain sense of accountability

Well .... just take it easy.

This takes time.

Turn to your wife for comfort, this builds intimacy.

Secret sharing with OW is one of the major reasons you emotionally fell away from your wife.

When we share secrets, we bond together.

Do this with your W.

NOT sharing her biggest secret with her H is a major mistake of the OW. She won't be able to feel intimate or safe with him as long as she is hiding such a large part of her soul. This is both dishonest and cowardly.

Be emotionally naked in front of your wife. Be honest and brave.

You'll be fine.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />