H and I had a great sex life before A. He would ask or I would ask, didn't matter, who ever wanted/needed made the first move.

It was very comfortable....no big deal. I never felt like I was asking to much or being too easy.

No I feel totally different...even my BIL said "don't be so available" to him all the time.

So is it true?? Men really only want the challenge of what they can't have? the hunt?

I thought that the male species wanted sex, all the time, most of them any way...so if you have a women that wants to have sex all the time, do you lose interest??

Should I be a little more "hard to get"? I seem to have a higher sex drive them him (now) but I'm also a woman, the longer I go without it the less I could care...

So what is more appealing to you, makes you want it more, the hunt, the challenge? Wanting what you can't have? or knowing that it is available when you want it?

None of the above. If you really want to know what satisfies and "turns on" a man, or at least one that you are married to, it is really quite simple. What a married man wants is an enthusiastic partner, not a "no big deal" sort of attitude. Most men get a significant amount of pleasure and satisfaction when they see that their wife is "into" it and enjoying herself. Makes any man feel like a stud, and since he has committed to having sex with his wife exclusively, sex should never be used as a weapon or as a punishment.

You BIL is totally wrong, IMHO. Sex is a very big part of all marriages and should not be used to "manipulate" the spouse. It is an intimate sharing and fulfillment that essential to a stable marriage. There is a difference between "no, not tonight" and withholding to manipulate a response. None of us should be "forcing" sex on our spouses. But neither should it be unduly withheld.

Let me think a little, would you withhold food from someone to get them to say, "pretty please, you are the only one I will accept food from?" For men, sex is a fundamental way that we show we love our wives. So do we withhold the insulin that a diabetic needs to teach them to want it more?

And lastly, your statement, "I thought that the male species wanted sex, all the time, most of them any way", is a little off base. Most men think about sex everyday with the right partner, but they are not some saliva drooling maniac hell bent on "getting some."

"so if you have a women that wants to have sex all the time, do you lose interest??" Possibly. It's no different than most things that are done is excess. Maybe fun at the start, but then it becomes a "chore" and that removes the intimacy. Sort of like the wife who feels like sex is her "duty" and just lays back and takes it. There is little mutual involvement and little true pleasure for either of them.

So, depending on the frequency need differences between you, you might want to try out a compromise as to how often, especially if one of you is markedly different in your "need" and "drive".

God bless.

foreverhers,

I'm not sure how, but I never seem to communicate exactly what I'm trying to say.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a married man wants is an enthusiastic partner, not a "no big deal" sort of attitude. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not what I meant by no big deal, what I meant was there was no pressure...he wanted or I wanted didn't matter.

And as far as being enthusiastic and getting "into it" I am/we are just short of hanging off the rafters and it is problably one of the single most enjoyable things H and I do together..whenever, where ever, how ever...of course within reason... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> He's the best and I let him know it!!!

I love making love with this man..he makes me feel like it's all about me (and I try to do the same) like he doesn't make love with me, but to me...my lover.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So would you get tired of something like that?? Am I making more of it then I should?

I don't want to withhold as punishment or manipulation...I just won't pursue him as often. Only let him take the lead.

I can count on one hand in the past 18 years that I have turned him down (and if he's really, really wanting to, he's even "changed" my mind a few of those times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )..

Is it just too easy for him? He seems to have lost interest in having it as often as he used to. Or is it just how I perceive it? maybe due to the affair I am more aware of how often I ask for "it".

So guys, if you had an enthusiastic, willing, loving, partner that wanted sex as much (and sometimes more) then you, would you lose interest??

I wholeheartedly agree with ForeverHers comment that what sexually turns a man on is the woman's enthusiasm for sex. Many BW's who scratch their heads and wonder why their WH's had sex with an ugly OW don't realize that it was most likely because the OW showed enthusiasm for sex (coupled with admiration for their WH's). So if you truly enjoy sex with your H, then don't act like you are playing poker with him.

I find that a little bit of flirting, teasing and role playing with my W helps a lot in keeping things fresh as far as SF.

toomuchcoffeeman,

If I showed any more enthusiasm, we'd never get out of bed...and the kids would know something was up... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find that a little bit of flirting, teasing and role playing with my W helps a lot in keeping things fresh as far as </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do this, but I wonder if it's too much. I'm always telling him what a cute butt he has, and teasing him about SF...

ex: Wed afternoon, I did something "special" for him..only for him...(hhhmmm we won't go into detail) and since then have teased him about "you owe me one" every time we talk...

Now I haven't asked or insisted or even initated anything..just teased. He hasn't shown any real interest...now, he has been very tired, so I just leave it at that.

Am I being too forward, teasing about it too much.

He says his top need is affection (shown in a physical way) holding hands, touching, grabbing him (in a teasing sexual way) he loves all of that. And I do it...because he likes and so do I.

But can it be too much...I've asked him and he only said "don't worry about it, just be yourself". What the heck does that mean?

I asked do you like it? he says yes. So am I being paranoid?

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: margue ]</small>

ex: Wed afternoon, I did something "special" for him..only for him...(hhhmmm we won't go into detail) and since then have teased him about "you owe me one" every time we talk...

He might not like to think he "owes you one'- he might just want you to do it because you want to do it. You probably DO but he may not realize that with that kind of teasing, and instead he may feel pressured.
Especially teasing EVERY time you talk. I would back off on that a little bit.

EDITED TO SAY: but oops I am not a man, and I gave you advice anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

adgirl48,
thanx for the reply, even if you are a girl..hehe

Well, maybe every time is a bit of an exaggeration..

But I do tease him alot, he says he likes when I tease him..that's why. But when we are alone and in bed I don't bring it up. If he wants to, he can be the one to initiate things, unless I really want/need to.

And the "you owe me" is something we both do, because he "whines" (purely in fun) about the fact that he only has one "O" during love making and I can have more then one, kind of like he's jealous. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So it's sort of a game....you owe me, one for one..not a you have to perform thing..

Like last night, before we both drifted off (mind you both of us were way to tired for any hanky panky) I said "hey, brat, you still owe me" He says "yeah, I know, how terrible, poor baby has to do without.." which earns him a pinch..as we both turn over to go to sleep.

Now if I REALLY wanted him, I would not have said "you owe me" I would have "approached" the subject in a totally different way...

Do you think, under those circumstances, he would still feel pressured??

are you certain he knows you're teasing him? teasing for anyone if fine once or twice. you've mentioned many times now that your h owes you. even if you're not serious, certainly he's gotten it by now. never mind pressure. no one likes to be indebted to another, especially to someone they love or about a matter so important. let it go.

lastly, if you really want to know what's bothering him, just ask.

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

whippit,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">are you certain he knows you're teasing him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I am absolutely, postively, sure he knows I am kidding. It is, as I said above, an on going joke between us. I am just kidding with him, he knows it, sexual teasing only, not a big thing...that's not the point I'm trying to make...

My question is: am I being too forward, too easy, too accessible? Is the chase more exciting?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if you really want to know what's bothering him, just ask </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have, he says nothing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is, as I said above, an on going joke between us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">perhaps he's grown tired of the joke.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am just kidding with him, he knows it, sexual teasing only, not a big thing...that's not the point I'm trying to make... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maybe it's the point he's trying to make ... that it is a big deal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question is: am I being too forward, too easy, too accessible? Is the chase more exciting?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">contrary to popular perception, television shows and movies, we're not that simple. i cannot answer this question because i'm not your husband.
with women, emotions and emotional needs are integrated into everything you do and are. we're not that complex, but were not always able to compartmentalize our emotions like we nornally do. so turmoil in one area will spill over into another from time to time.

this is a very painful time for you both. maybe he's affected by something at work. maybe he's still working through the end of his affair. recovery is a process, which means there are really good periods followed by ones that aren't so great. be patient and continue to work even when he doesn't seem to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So would you get tired of something like that?? Am I making more of it then I should? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I think most men would tire of it about fast as you would tire of recieving diamond jewelry....in other words NEVER!

Now keep in mind eating steak ever night sooner or later gets old no matter who you are. So maybe a little creativity might be in order. Oh I don't know just use your imagination....perhaps some simmering sautaed mushrooms and wine sauce for that night steak. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />