I would appreciate feedback from anyone, especially any MB veterans. I've tried to incorporate some things I've read on other PBL threads, but I'd love some objective opinions. To let you know why this is so urgent...

My WH wanted a separation, so we separated on 10/3/03. I had basically told him everything I would've put in a PBL, so I didn't write one. I had insisted on NC between us during the separation, he has emailed me at least once every day since I left. I only responded to one email about insurance (one sentence response). After reading some threads here I started thinking I needed to send an actual written PBL.

Thank you in advance for reading this and making suggestions.

*******

Sorry, decided to delete the PBL since H knows I come on here.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: trying32 ]</small>

Hi Trying,

Ok, here's mytake:

'Please know that if you do see her and bring her into our home that I will not be able to live there again. I just do not believe that I would be able to overcome the pain of knowing she had invaded my life so completely and that you let her knowing how strongly I felt about it.'

While is good and strong, it may be mean much to him. How strongly do you feel about this statement. Are you willing to enforce it? RE: I see this statement as a dare to the WS. WS' like to take BS dares. OWs enjoy pushing the BS to the point of the BS creating dares such as what you wrote. Unless you are prepared to follow through, I'd recommend rewording it like:

"For the sake of the family, please do not bring a stranger into our family home. We no longer feel safe knowing this may happen. I am not sure the emotional toll it will take on our family."

Know that no matter what you say, he may still do it anyway. What I think it is important to see is that his actionsa affect not just you but your family.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 01:45 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

duplicate post

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 01:45 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Dear Mr. Trying,

I know we talked about this before I left, but I just wanted to put it in writing for you in case you need to hear it again.

I do not like the phrasing "in case you need to hear it again" Sounds a bit like he was too stupid to "get it" the first time(to me). I doubt that is your intention....but I'd rather you changed the wording there. You might say that you wanted to put it in writing to kind of formalize what you talked about.

First, I want you to know that I love you very much. You are my best friend and have been for a very long time. When I married you, I married you for life. I want with all my heart to remain your wife. I am more than willing to work on the areas of our marriage that I have neglected. I’ve tried to demonstrate that to you over the past several months.

I would like to see you be specific about what you think your part is....lay out the things that you know would make a difference to him. I would also like to see you drop the sentence about "tried to demonstrate"....it sounds like you've already "done your part".

I know you said that you wanted this separation in order to have some time alone so you could think and sort things out. I am giving you this time for two reasons. The first reason is because I love you and want to respect your needs. But the second reason is because your continued contact with Mrs. XXX has become too painful for me and I am afraid it will destroy the love I have for you. That is why I need to have no contact with you during this separation, to protect those feelings.

this is good

I also worry that you will use our time apart to see her.

nope....you are trying to show him that you can move on with your life...but here and in the next sentence you are still trying to control him.

I truly hope you decide not to do this since it will only bring pain to everyone involved and you said yourself you see no future with her.

This shoud not be the focus of your Plan B....Plan B is about YOU...not him.

I was only trying to be honest with you when I told you I didn’t know if I could go through your being with her again. Please know that if you do see her and bring her into our home that I will not be able to live there again.

Again, not the focus of Plan B. You can make requests, but not threats. It might look something like this:

I hope during our time apart, you will take a breather from both of us and really explore what you want. Please do not bring XXXX into my home because it would make it so hard for me to ever return there and hurt me deeply.

I just do not believe that I would be able to overcome the pain of knowing she had invaded my life so completely and that you let her knowing how strongly I felt about it.

see above....this should be short and sweet.

I love you Mr. Trying. I know that we can have a wonderful and incredible marriage. I have faith in us. And I would love to talk with you about our future together as soon as you end all communication with Mrs. XXX. Until that time, please respect my wish for no contact.

Please add who your intermediary will be in case of emergencies. And spell out what no contact really means....calls, emails, etc.

An editorial note: cut the first paragraph, and the second up to the "I love you very much," etc. Let "I love you very much" be your first sentence. Start on a strong note, not an apologetic, administrative one.

In the silent weeks and months ahead, you will wonder whether this letter was the right thing, the best thing, etc. It is your last punch. Make sure it is a strong, straight one. The clearest message you can send.

Orchid and Star - Thank you so much for your suggestions.

Orchid - I feel very strongly about him not bringing OW to our home. I had a long discussion with him before we separated laying out all the reasons I didn't want her to ever enter our home. My H said he understood, but who knows. It may seem trivial since he's already betrayed me anyway, but it would almost be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I do, however, see what you mean about it possibly coming off as a dare. I know when she visited him in May (I was out of town) she kept asking him to take her to our apt. He didn't then, but I had the feeling he would this time (so they could play house), which is why I brought it up to him in the first place.

Star - I thought you had some very good suggestions, and I think I incorporated most if not all of them.

Here's version #2, comments and suggestions are welcome.

*****

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: trying32 ]</small>

AAM - Sorry, I missed your post while I was editing the letter. I agree with what you said. The first part about talking about this before is unneccesary. Also, I like your suggestion about starting out strong. It does sound less administrative now. Thanks!

Don't know if I need to post it again, but I will in case it makes it easier for others to follow.

****

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: trying32 ]</small>

Orchid, Star, and AAM - Thanks for your suggestions. I've decided I'm happy with it and am getting ready to send it.

I decided to delete the above PBLs since my H knows about this board.

Thanks again.

Plan B begins hard chere.....lean on your friends for strength when you feel you are lost and alone the first couple of weeks. In a few weeks, you will understand how really protective and calming Plan B can be. The best of luck to you. hugs.