Hello.

I try not to post much on here.
I find I get very emotional and at times defensive when I come to marriage builders.
There is so much I want to say and ask I just cant seem to sort it in my head.
I have been seperated for about 4 years now.
H does not file and he does not really make an effort to get back together.
I have not spent anytime with my boys.
Only when I go there to see them.
He knows financialy that I cannot afford and attorney and that gives him all the control.
I am doing good just to get by.
I can talk to him until I am blue in the face about either divorcing or reconciliation and it never turns into any real action on either part.
I am tired of putting my life on hold.
I am tired of wondering when I can see the boys.
I am tired of all the not knowing.
I have lost so much already.
If I come out of this at least being able to spend some amount of time with my boys then I will be okay.
When I go to see my boys I am always propositioned by H. It is the most uncomfortable feeling. I don't have those feeling towards him and sometimes I feel like I have to fight him off.
I find him attractive, I am just not ready for that.
I also feel like it is some sort of a trade off for him allowing me time with my sons.
If I am not acting the way he thinks I should, the boys quit calling & he quits talking to me.
If I am not giving myself to him when I go to see the boys, he gives me the cold shoulder.
I have called a few times and he was having dinner with a women.
He lied at first and said no one was there.
I knew he was lying and told him that he did not have to. I know he has needs and will have to have them met.
I want so desperatly to move on.
I can't help but think he is putting me off.
He is afraid to tell me the truth about how he really feels.
I am letting go of it all.
I am going to leave this one in gods hands.
I think I have done my time in the Valley of the blind.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 08:39 AM: Message edited by: lucidity ]</small>

Hi Luci,

I am glad to hear from you but sad you didn't have better news. It also saddens me to hear your story.

While I can not sit in judgement on you and your H's actions, I can say that hearing from both sides helps bring a clearer picture. Your suffering is similar to what I have heard from him in the past.

I have thought of both of you both over the past few months wondering how you are doing.

If you can, please tell your H for us and we would sure like to hear from him also.

Luci, please understand that sometimes the BS can turn into a WS and this is never a good thing however, holding on for a long long time as your H has, tends to harden one's heart.

His healing will take time, maybe as long as yours or longer. So will that of your boys. Are you up to working with them through that?

Are they a package deal? I may be wrong but I don't think your H will willingly let his boys leave his care. He has been through too much with them and they with him. So they probably will come as a package deal. I am not condoning s3x as a trade for child visitation. Your H knows that so if he is doing so, he will get an MB 2x4 from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You can share that with him as well. However, know that he has been through much pain and his recovery is still in the future.

Please continue posting or if you wish to e-mail me: MBOrchid2@yahoo.com you are more than welcome.

JMHO & Hugz,
L.

Remember that time is not on your side (or anybody else's) so if you don't CHOSE right now, the chosing will be done for you and it may not be to your liking.

bump up for Luci. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I have no idea what WS BS or any of that means.
Is BS Bull S and what does that make WS.
I need a bit of tutoring when it comes to the the abbriviations on here.

I told H that some of you were asking about him and that it might be nice if he could drop in and say hello.
He is doing great.
He is working at a job that he loves.
Which is taking up all of his time.
It is nice to see him happy again.
I have not seen him this happy since he got out of the Military in '96.
He works odd shifts but I am sure when he gets time he will come back here.
I think he was just giving me a little time to come here and vent.
He did say that their were times when both partners would be on here and it would get a little ugly.
We don't want that.

Hi Lucidity,

Here's a link to the MB abbreviations.

Abbreviations