Hello everyone,

I am trying to rebuild our marriage by avoiding any contact with OW, going to a mfc with my w,and a weekly "loss of relationship group". My delema is that I have told my w that the A is over I feel as though I am in gridlock and I need to get to a ER somewhere. I want this all to end and I know it can only get worse with OW still on my mind and heart I must push her out

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My w is so very fragile and I feel I need to protect her from any further pain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is SO Fog talk man. Why don't you admit the truth to yourself and free her with honesty from you.

What I see when I read this as a former WS is that you want to protect yourself from the depth of her pain by hiding the truth from her.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain, but it's time to start facing yourself and taking responsibility for the things that YOU have done to her.

I am a FWS so I truly understand where you're at.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">even I do not understand why I am so attached to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get honest with yourself about your feelings and your pain. What is the biggest thing you are missing from the OW? What needs was she providing? Is it the specialness that you felt? Maybe it was the complete acceptance that she gave to you without asking for much?

Write it out so you understand.

Then, think about your W. Why is it that you want your M? What made you choose your M?

Kily
I am willing to admit to my mistakes I just do not want to keep making them. I've hurt my W so much already it just seems that for her to know how completly I fell for OW would be too much to bear. Somehow it seems that I need to "get over it". Before we were married I was deeply involved in a relationship and somehow got through that. I don't trust my judgement. Thanks for your post I keep going back to it and re-reading it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker, I would have to agree that you tell her. I is going to hurt, but atleast you are honest. My H had an affair that he kept hidden for 8 years and then one day felt like he needed to tell me. The thing is that all of that time I felt like we had the perfect marriage. I had friends who had been cheated on and said to myself "I am so glad that will never be me". I was so wrong. Now I felt like the last 8 years ment nothing and right now I feel like I marriage doesn't mean much. I don't feel as connected. Anyways all I am saying is that you need to be truthful. If you are not and she find out later on down the road, it will be worse.

Hiker:

Let me ask you this...

If you were your W what would you want? To be protected or to be told the truth of where your H's heart is; what he is truly thinking?

I can tell you she is probably wondering whether you are truly committed, heart and soul, to the M. Why make her think one thing and yet it is another. Why not give her the chance to work together with you, as a partner. I would rather have honesty that hurts, than believe something (ie that my fws is fully 'here') that is not true - that is not real recovery material.

Respectfully,
AG
"Protection isn't truth"

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: A_Grace ]</small>

Hi Hiker-

I'm back.

What I was trying to say was that you need to get honest with yourself. Yes, you also need to get honest with her.

You say that she is the fragile one. Guess what, she survived your betrayal! She kept herself together while her world ripped itself apart.

Part of the reason that you are in this mess is because you didn't know how to be honest.

If you really want her to love and trust you, you have to love and trust her. You have to love her enough to give her the complete truth and let her decide how she feels and what she needs to do to heal.

You may be very suprised with her reactions. Also, show her this web site if she isn't already aware of it. It will help her understand your sincerity at wanting to save your marriage and change the behaviors.

I am finally being "honest" at least in small ways. It is a giant step forward for me. You may want to view another post of mine on page 1 entitled "How much should I tell?"

Thank you JG for your encouragement

Hiker,

As an ex-OW, I can speak to your situation about the "loss of relationship"--at least the part that has to do with you internally. I don't know how much honesty your wife can handle or what the risks are of telling her. Yes, I agree that honesty is the best policy, but also that timing is everything.

Be patient. The affair is over and you are doing all the right things. It takes time and care to put someone away in the past, and do the work on yourself that you need to do. For a while you will resist this idea and the process you need to go through. Ending the affair, even after years, was like jumping off a cliff for me. And after that, there was a lot of work to be done.

Rejoice that you aren't sitting on the fence any longer and deceiving your wife. It's always scary and hard to learn something new about yourself, and that's what you're faced with.

If you are a person of faith, now is an excellent time for your faith to deepen. Going to church is fine, but study your Bible (with guidance, if necessary). Apart from that, a specific, secular text that might help is "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams. It is a readable, practical text that will help you pinpoint feelings and work through them. The advice in it applies to all kinds of loss; a grief counselor gave me this title when I sought counseling after the death of my mother.

Again, be patient. I can't tell you when it will get easier, but it will. Think of it this way: Human beings are not intended to stop functioning when bonds with other human beings are broken. We are made to survive these things, and even prevail. In surviving and prevailing, you will be more in touch with yourself than you have ever been, and thus more able to succeed in any relationship.

Hiker, I have to agree with Kily in some respects as far as the honesty policy goes. At the same time, your timing will probably be important too. As a FWH, I might be able to suggest some things or ideas that may help you. If I come across strong, I apologize. I don't intend to be harsh.

1. You NEED to figure out why the affair happened. IC is a good place to learn about yourself as is this site. There are numerous publications that can help too. This will help you and in turn it will help your W.

2. I see that you want to save your M. That is great. No offense, but day dreaming about the OW is not going to help matters. Try to figure out what it is that you miss and use that as a tool to reflect on your M and relationship with your W.

3. As Jazzey said, keep up the NC, but at the same time I'd like to add that you need to finish removing yourself from the relationship with the OW. You may not have any more contact with her, but when you keep hoping for email messages...

4. It is time to get "...back to reality...", which doesn't have to be boring either. It is time to own up to what you did and be honest with your wife.

5. I hope you and your W can work on things, but at the same time you should allow her to know the truth so she can heal herself. Like other people said, if you only tell her half the truth, she may health to that and know you for that person (which is only half of things). Give her a chance to get to know you again, the whole you.

There is more I probably could suggest, but I am going to stop for now.

Hang in there, your head may be stuck (a little) but your almost out.

I agree and I am definately working on #1 suggestion

1. You NEED to figure out why the affair happened. IC is a good place to learn about yourself as is this site. There are numerous publications that can help too. This will help you and in turn it will help your W.

It isn't "daydreaming" but obsessing and our mfc is trying to help me get the tools for that.

2. I see that you want to save your M. That is great. No offense, but day dreaming about the OW

Back to the obsessing

when you keep hoping for email messages...

4. be honest with your wife.
Thanks I've been more honest in the last 2 years than I was in the 30 years before. I know I have a way to go... it's scary for me

5.
Give her a chance to get to know you again, the whole you.
I'm trying to discover the "whole me" too

Hang in there, your head may be stuck (a little) but your almost out.[/QB][/QUOTE]
Thanks for your encouragement and input

Terminator,
I read your post when you first wrote it but it is good to come back and re-read it. It's good to have your perspective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I will get the book you recommended.

You'll like that book--it's very practical. This helps when dealing with something so emotional. It helped me a lot.

All of this is work. You just have to know how to go about it.

Tell your wife how you felt when you did what you did (everything with OW, from start to finish). She wants to know you. She wants to be able to explain to herself why you did what you did.

Discuss your feelings. Get used to discussing your feelings. Become a child again.

Hiker, How are things going? As a FWW, I just want to tell you that I admire your resolve to forget OW and work on your M.

I found that my H couldn’t take too much information at once, and didn’t want me to volunteer anything. So I occasionally will ask him if there’s anything else he would like to know, or if there’s anything about the A he wants to talk about.

I answer his questions honestly, but I don’t force any information on him. Maybe he’s different than some BS’s, but he really has been able emotionally only to take small bits of information at a time. Slowly, the important stuff all gets said.

It sounds like you have made quite an effort to find out what your resources are and are using them. I wish you all the best. I don’t know if you believe in prayer or not, but I’ll be sending some prayers up for you.

As FWS’s, we made bad choices, hurt people, and got ourselves into a mess, but we are only human. We fall down; we get back up. Keep hanging in there.

Thanks Rose for the encouragement

At the moment my head is clear but I am a little "gun shy" I am not sure whan my emotions will "turn on me". As I think about this I think it maybe that even though the A has ended I have questions for OW that will have to be left unanswered... I may just compose a letter, that I will never send (never!), to her just so I can clear my mind of these thoughts.
H

Oh geeze I posted the same thing twice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> duh

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

OK if I wrote a letter to OW this is what it might look like (I posted this in another place in this forum I hope it's OK for me to paste it in here)
I've wanted to send a letter to the OW in my life but I can't because: a) OW said "no more contact" and most importantly b) I owe it to my W not to cause any more destruction c) I promised not to contact OW again. So maybe this board can substitute for OW for me.


The letter has been burned by hiker sorry you missed the fun

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker,

how completly destroyed my W is because of our actions. As you know I have shouldered all the blame here at my house trying to protect you and yours from the same. But honestly you have to accept some of the responsibility.

The OM did not promise your W anything. You and you alone are responsible for the affair. Consenting adults yes, morally wrong...yes but your decision alone led to this affair.

I know that this is difficult, I have lived it but this constant lamenting for what was or could have been, wondering what OW is thinking is gonna kill you and your marriage. Your W needs to understand the depth of what you feel.

I am not trying to bash you, I just don't understand the point of the letter and what you expect to get from writing it. None of the questions can be answered here. From the tone of the letter it seems that you want to matter to someone....how about looking to your wife for this.

I know you are trying and that is evident from your threads and how they have changed ofver the last few weeks. You know your wife is hurting and sometimes you feel helpless as to what to do to help her. Try and show her that you care, that she can tell you how she truly feels. Make her feel secure.

I am also sending some prayers your way

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

OMG... as a FWS.. i am experiencing some of the same withdrawals. the OM has some how managed the NC rule with me, but i am stuck on him. I eagerly look to hear from him and some days are great... but others, like this pass w/e. I just sit and cry all day. I am so sad a lot of times that my youngest (9) has asked me if everything is ok.

H and I have an appt to see a MC tomorrow night... and i'm hoping for the best. I know for a fact, that the A was wrong, but everything about while i was in felt so right... Foolish of me i know....

I guess because of the fact that I am still emotionally attached to the OM, then it would explain why I can't emotionally attach to my H. He is hurting alot because of how sad and depressed (depressing) I am... and I won't allow him in to help me. Sometimes... I just want the OM to call me and ask me how i'm doing.... but I know that would just put us back to square one and delay the healing process.

When does the pain and emotional attachment end and how do i start to develop that with my H again?

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: FeelinGuilty ]</small>