No, of course the pop wasn't worth it. But it wasn't about the pop!!! It was about her respecting boundaries. She just comes in and helps herself to whatever she wants, like she still lives there. It's bullsh*t!!! I know it was an LB to call the cops, I felt stupid doing it. But I'm not going to allow her to bully me around like this. If the tables were turned and I would have slapped her, I'd be sitting in jail right now. I'm positive about that. She goes and spend the night with that a**hole and strolls down the block, comes to my house and acts like she has the right to anything she wants. When I object, she hits me...twice!!! I'm sorry, I can take a lot of sh*t from her, but that is where I draw the line.

^bump for Hope4Future^

WMWB - Heading out here in just a minute...tomorrow and the next day are beyond full just so you know.

I am fully aware it wasn't about the pop. That's really not the point. You chose to use the pop incident to assert yourself, instead of chosing to let it go and protect yourself in the future from her rages. She shouldn't be in your house. Your current arrangements are allowing her to cross your boundries and treat you like dogdoo. Change the circumstances so that it won't happen again. What you chose to do was fight. And that obviously didn't work to your advantage.

So I understand that it wasn't about the pop...but it still wasn't productive. I also agree with TMCM...your wife is doing more than just crossing boundries...she's being abusive. I started to read your long thread on the other board the other day, but got busy...but in the first part I think she broke in to your house? She definatly seems to have some anger issues...and you need to protect yourself and YOUR CHILDREN from that.

I can't tell you how to do that. You need to start figuring this out. PROACTIVE NOT REACTIVE! Proactive is finding a new solution to her crossing your boundries...reactive is fighting over a pop and winding up with the cops involved. Understand???

Oh, and just so you know....I do feel for you and your situation. It really does suck and I know how much it hurts and how frustrating it is. I can feel your frustration from your post. That's one of the benefits of HAVING good boundries and establishing a good Plan B. You WILL find peace once contact is minimized. Hang in there WMWB!

well I think I blew it - my WW and I had a HUGE blow out last night .. she told me this morning that I did have a chance but not anymore.

I way over reacted ( I know I'm not supposed too ) too a letter that she was trying to smuggle out of the house to OM's. I grabbed the letter and all He!! broke out from there. I know I should have just let her take it and go but .. just that morning she said that she wasn't talking or sending letters anymore and that she wanted to try and fix things.
I don't know why I got so upset. I feel hopeless. I tried to talk with her about it this morning but she didn't want to. I think everything I worked for and actually gained ground in just went out the window. I was doing so good at not LBing and we were actually talking. She told me yesterday morning that if things stayed the way they were that she wouldn't be opposed to working out our marriage. Why ? Why am I so stupid? I know that I can't change things at the moment except to make them worse ( which I have ).
She was trying to take our children out of the house with her and I wouldn't let her .. I told her if she wanted to leave that was fine but not with them.
She was saying so many mean things that I finally lost my temper and yelled back at her .. I tried not too. I tried walking away but she kept following me. I didn't want to leave because I knew she would take the children.
any suggestions on how I might beable to fix this?

L&C

Man, I'm sorry about your fight. For what it is worth, I think time is the only thing that will repair the damage. I don't think you were unjustified at questioning her about the letter. The only thing I can see that you did wrong was to lose your cool and fight back with her. It seems to me that she may not be really all that angry with you, but rather angry that she was caught. Remember, she is an addict. You threatened her ability to get her fix. Of course she will be anrgy and show you all sorts of rage. She probably said all sorts of irrational stuff to, didn't she? My wife says all sorts of crazy, outlandish things when she is in the fog. I've found that fog talk is really pretty funny once you see it for what it is. I mean look at what she said, as long as you go along and let her get her fix she was open to staying in the marriage. But, when you threaten her ability to get the fix, you lost your chance at recovery. Of course she didn't put it in those terms, but it seems to me that is exactly what she said. Does it make any sense?, no. Is it rational?, no. It is fog talk, and you can't take it seriously.

Also, and believe me I'm as lost in this process as you are, I think you may be getting close to plan B time. Sounds like she is having her cake and eating it to. In other words, it sounds like she is sitting on the fence and having the best of both worlds (sorry for the mixed metaphore there). On one hand she has you meeting all the mundane needs of the marriage. You help around the house, help with the kids, provide financial support, ect. And on the other hand, she has OM who is fulfilling the exciting romantic needs in her...conversation, affection, maybe even sexual fulfilment. I think even the vets here would agree that it may be time for plan B. I don't know, just a thought.

Are you worried about her keeping the kids from you?

Good Luck!

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

My WS has gone back to acting the way she did before she told me that she wanted to try.. She called OM the other night and I confronted her about it she said it was none of my business and that she can do whatever she wanted. I told her your right and left the room.

I didn't know what else to do so I went right back into plan A after our fight on Monday. I had to work a fancy dinner and she asked if I would bring her home some food from there (she had to work) I did ask her to come to it. I did bring her some desert and chocolates. ( trying to be as nice as possible.)

She says she hates me and that she wants me to move out. Same day she went and bought me a couple of new pairs of pants ( because of the weight I've lost none of mine fit very well anymore.) Why ? Why would she go and buy me these if she hates me? I know the hate me thing is Fog talk.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what else to do ..

Fog talk...yes. And guilt. She wants to push you away, but then feels badly for your obvious pain, so she tries to ease her guilt by taking care of you.

When she's in withdrawl mode (meaning she doesn't seem to want you around and doesn't want you meeting her needs), you need to back off. It makes her angry and she'll hurt you with it every time.

But AVOID CONFRONTATIONS if you can't keep your cool. Her taker is in full blown ME ME ME mode, so no matter WHAT you do or say, at this point, it will all come back to her acting out selfishly. Even her thoughts of reconcillation at times, are selfishly based right now. But it doesn't mean she doesn't legitimately want to remain married to you deep down.

Most people do NOT recommend that you move out of the house if/when the time comes to go to Plan B. She strayed and she insists she wants out of the marriage, so she should be the one to find someplace else to reside. Something to think about if Plan B needs to be put in to effect at some point down the road.

My WW and I talked a little tonight.. the problem I have is I can't really tell if it is the A. or the other things that are wrong with our marriage that she wants the D for. She says it is the other things and that she will NOT give me another chance because of the fight we had on Monday.. She said she has never seen me like that befor.. and she hasn't .. I really lost my temper and paitience with everything. All the pain and frustration and anger all hit me and came out in that one moment.

So .. I'm not sure what to do. She has no problem flaunting the fact that she is talking to this OM. She says it is just talking and harmless and that I have no right telling her who she can and can not talk to because we filed for D. She says
why can't I just give up on her and walk away..
I told her because I love her and want to work things out .. and that even though she is "just talking" it is still an A.

She said as long as she isn't doing it in front of the kids anymore that it is none of my business.

Ok, that's unfortunatly typical WS bullying. None of your business? She won't give YOU another chance?? You see through this...RIGHT?!?!

Right now NOTHING you have done in the past is contributing to her current choices. She'll say it is...but it isn't. She's having an A and she'll blame you for anything that feels uncomfortable in her life.

My questions to you. Can you continue to do Plan A for a while longer if she continues contact? And if not, are you ready to pull out a Plan B? You might try drafting a letter.

You had gotten the Surviving an Affair book from the library the other day. Have you gotten any of that read yet?

Yes I am about a little over half way thru it ..

I don't know my feelings for her are starting to waiver instead of feeling empathy and compassion for her .. I'm starting to feel more anger and frustration for her more than anything.

Last night my Wife went to the neighbors with my children .. I called at 8:30 to tuck them in and tell them goodnight. They were not there. I kept calling and finally at 11:00 she anwsered half in the bag. They had just got home .. I got upset and told her that she shouldn't have the kids out so late. She hung up on me. I called back and she said what do you want? I told her to put the children on.

This morning I asked my daughter if she had fun last night .. she said yes and then she said that OM's daugter was over there and so was he.. and that him and mommy were in the garage together.. Now in our divorce it states that he is NOT supposed to be any where near my children while the divorce is going on. I told my wife this morning that I'm going to go to the court house and file a contempt of court against her and a restraining order against him and that if he or his daughter comes on our property again that I'm going to have him put in jail.

She just acted all smug and laughed at me.. If she only knew that I'm serious .. I know it isn't going to help my situation with her and it will probably end whatever chance I had at fixing our marriage. But it's time she realizes that she needs to be responsible around our children.. I do love her .. but my children need to come first.

Am I over reacting here? I just can't help it she isn't being a responsible adult .. her going to see him and drinking come first .. I don't know maybe I'm just upset that she was with him again.

Are you ready to do a plan B?

Your feelings of anger are normal. It's a given that while she treats you with less respect than a stray dog that she's going to be withdrawing tons of love units. Pretty soon your bank will be dry.

I'm leaning towards telling you to get that RO and telling wife to move out...getting temporary custody of the kids yourself. She's not putting them in a healthy situation. But you need to think that through and figure out if that can work with you working nights. Something needs to happen...because at this rate you'll be divorced and hating each other in no time.

I don't know to be honest with you .. My emotions are so mixed up at the moment.. One moment I love her the next I want to yell at her to look at what she is doing to our family and children.

OK OK maybe I want to do it all at once .. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I haven't been on anti's long enough I think..

Seriously .. I don't know. I think you are right in the fact that if something doesn't change soon that we are just going to go thru with the D and walk away. That is what she keeps saying she wants.. As far as being able to do that with the children .. I don't think it would be a problem .. I only work on weekends at the moment. ( which is one of our problems. ) I already have a baby sitter lined up for if my WW and I get divorced.

and I the only one that think it was wrong to have our 4 and 6 year old out that late and at this party with OM?

No, you aren't wrong.

I know she says she wants to just end it all and walk away. That's good ol' fog. She has no real feel for what being on her own will be like. I would bet that she assumes you will move out and she'll have her comfy little love next with the OM just down the hall.

If there is actually some legal action you can take, WITHOUT YELLING AND THREATENING...you might look further in to that. She's testing her boundries, and currently she has none.

Plan B would allow her to feel the consequences of what divorce will REALLY be like. No more filling of needs by you...no one to dump all her anger on...and she'd have to follow some reasonable rules with your children.

I would suggest atleast looking in to it. Get the plan together for what has to happen to go in to a solid plan B...and just have it on the backburner in case things continue to decline.

For all the talk that she wants a divorce she certainly hasn't done much to initiate it, has she? This leads me to beleive that she is using it as a weapon to make you cower with fear. Consider conveying to her calmly, quietly and respectfully the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Fine, I totally agree! Let’s get a divorce. I just want what you want. If you want a divorce, I’ll give you a divorce. If you don’t want a divorce, I’ll go along with that, too."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fact is, the vast majority of the time, when you start agreeing on anything, even a divorce, it forces her to start thinking more deeply about divorce. Once it becomes a real possibility, the idea all of sudden doesn’t seem so great. Yes, she may agree to a divorce -- but that’s still a long way from going through with it. And think about this: If resisting a divorce demand isn’t working, why not try the opposite? What have you got to lose? You can be confident in the knowledge that agreeing to a divorce may be the best way of stopping it completely.

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

But they already started the divorce from what I understand.

2 much coffee - We went down about a week or two ago and filed. I know I should have let her file alone but she was going to try and get full custody of the children .. it was a happy medium to file together .. although I'm thinking of putting in an amendment.

I have not been "short" with My WW but have been very too the point when I have to talk with her today. I'm not talking with her unless she ask me something. I've been very cold I quess the word would be ..I'm not LB'ing or anything like that just not being overly friendly.

Her attitude towards me seems to have changed a little. I think she realized that I'm very upset with her and not going to put up with it anymore.
I think she knows that I meant what I said this morning..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost&Confussed:
<strong>Her attitude towards me seems to have changed a little. I think she realized that I'm very upset with her and not going to put up with it anymore.
I think she knows that I meant what I said this morning.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good. She needs to know that, unlike her, your words match your actions.

Well my WW did the same thing again last night took the children to the neighbors house and had a party. This time she didn't come home until 12:15 .. The kids apparently fell asleep at the neighbors house .. and she and OM carried them home.

I'm torn between if I should go and file a contempt of court and a temp custody order or if I should wait and see what happens this week. I am so mad and angry at her at this moment. We talked earlier and she said she knows that I hate her. I told her that I didn't that I love her and want her to come back to our marriage. Any sugestions? I don't know if I should play hard ball and kick her out or keep in plan A ..

I am sitting here at the moment watching a movie called "The price of a broken heart" It is a movie about a guy having an A and the wife goes after the person he has the A with .. sues her for alientation of affection law.

I've already looked into this but wisconsin doesn't have it anymore. The OM my WW is with has broken up three marriages already.

I know I shouldn't watch this movie but can't help it.

I don't honestly know WHAT you can do, but I agree you should do something. Your wife isn't being a responsible parent right now. Talk to your lawyer and find out what they can do...and hopefully someone else will have some suggestions.

Honestly, my first thought is exactly what you said...kick her out...but lovingly. Honey, I love you but I don't like the situation you are putting our children in...it seems obvious to me from your actions that you are not interested in remaining married...so it's just best if you go ahead and go. Leave out all LBs and ignore her raging...just tell her to leave. But...I'd get more suggestions first...