I've been married 3 years now. About 1 year a go things began to get bad. My wife and I became real distant. In the last while I have had 2 one night stands and 2 other times when it might as well have been however nothing really happened. I have told my wife about these times and have quit drinking totally as this I believe is one of the major contributing factors. She has left and her counsellor has told her not to speak to me. I have been going for counselling on my own with a pastor. We are working on my faith in God and changing me. However there is only so much I and he can do aside from praying if I can't have any contact with her. I truly love my wife and know definately something like this won't happen again. Given the chance I believe we will have a marriage built upon the proper foundation this time. I have read surviving an affair. It's been about 2 weeks. I know most people will be disgusted wih my actions but I would like as many suggestions as I could get.
thankyou very much
Feeling like I'm missing my right arm

MidiLand-
Congratulations on getting help from Pastor and stopping drinking. Also you are very welcome on this board, keep posting, and keep reading. However you are wrong about not being able to save your marriage with no contact with your wife. One person CAN save the marriage, and when you have God in your life, that makes two.
I can probably imagine how your wife feels. My husband swore he would change, said he loved me, said he wanted to work on marriage, said things would get better. Notice anything? It was all talk, talk, talk, no action. What you need to start doing immediately is action - work on yourself, continue in counseling, go to church, pray, go to AA. Get your life back on the right path, take care of your obligations, become honest, honorable, and the good man I think you are. Keep posting here, and do some of the reading. There are lots of caring people who know how to save a marriage.

Hi and welcome to MB,

Well it is certainly good to know you are working on changes However, just as your thoughts took time before they became actions, your healing and your w's healing will take time.

Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Know that your W is going to go through various stages of recovery. Here's a link that may help her.

5 stages of grieving

You can read it also to know how to help her. Some of it may be to just give her space to deal with her anger. See even the BS are often thrown for a loop and may question their santity and value.

If your W will never forgive you (worse case scenario preparation - don't panic), at least what you learn here will help you recover. What you did was very disrespectful and you need to remember that. On the other hand you will find many here are in your W's shoes looking for help and support against an angry and frustrated sometimes violent WS. So your situation is already headed in the recovery direction. Still it will take time.

Keep reading. The book His Needs/Her Needs may also be helpful. If you can schedule some phone counseling sessions with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri, it would help you and even your W if she chooses to participate. Again, don't shove it all down her throat all at once....be patient.

Show care, compassion and loyalty. The love will be recognized later.

take care,
L.

I appreciate the reply. Sorry it has taken me so long things have really moved quickly and our house was emptied and things are in dissaray. I try to check email and this site but with work and school going I have little chance. I am still trouding away missing my wife more than anything and she doesn't want to speak to me unless it is about dividing up property. The last time we talked she said she is a much stronger person and feels much more free now that we are not together. Hurt, Hurt. Definately no where near how badly I hurt her but it still hurt. Any suggestions.

Thanks
J.R

Dear Midi,

What can you do?

Have you looked at 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negotiations?

What do you want your wife to do?

Have you asked her for what you want her to do?

What are some preliminary steps to ask for?

Certainly one option is to give up, and just go on.

What powers do you have?

You say you are in school, College?

Unfortunately college does not teach you much about real life.

You say she won't talk to you. What communications courses haved you taken? What communication courses do you know about?

What about your realtions with her significant others and friends? Who owes you favors? Who is willing to help you? In what ways can they hep you?

How can you make deposits in your wife's love bank, without giving up power, and perhaps without talking to her?


Have yhou asked her, "What can I do to overcome the embarrassment of this for you?"

Quipper
Maried 28 years, and still struggling

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper-

Quipper-
I have not read the book you referred to I have read surviving an Affair and am presently reading his need her needs. What I want my wife to do is sit with me and a counsellor and sort out the situation. She refuses to and I don't blame her for how hurt she is. As far as her friends anyfriends that know both of us ony want us to work through this situation and have been trying to tell her to slow down with all her decisions and really think everything through. As soon as she finds out there opinions she doesn't seek further contact with these friends. She now is hanging out with the type of people she wanted me to quit being and worse. These new "friends "are telling her her decisions are right and to get on with her life and forget the past. Every time I have told her how I feel and ask her forgiveness she has some kind of tough comment like Ï'd have to be a pretty stupid broad to take you back. etc etc. These don't sound like her words and she has told me what some of the new friends are saying. I personally am seeing my counsellor (pastor ) who has dealt with many situations like ours and together we are trying to prepare me for the day she finaly is willing to sit down and talk this sitiation out. As far as deposits in her love bank without talking to her. The best I could do is try to make things as easy for her as things were packed and split as our home is now up for sale. I admitted I messed up by not being faithful and what ever she wanted or needed was hers and all I wanted was her. I tried to get things ready for her to move out as I know she now hates going to the house for anything. As much as I didn't want to move her or my things out I tried to make it easy for her. I think I just have to wait her stages of grief out and hope and pray that when she gets through them she will be willing to try to rebuild our marriage.

Thanks for replying. I appologize ahead of time if i don't respond promply as I have said before school work and meetings and moving keeping me very busy don't get in front of the computer as much as I would like.

J.R

Dear Midi,

I will check back, so don't feel pressure to reply sooner than later.

Things can be put in a rental storage unit to make the house look less cluttered. I'm not sure it is ncecessary to sell the house. Once you show her sufficient power, I think she will come around, altogehter.

I understand that your wife is stopping talking to friends who think she should slow down on the divorce thing. I understand that your wife feels like a stupid broad. What friends does she have left, and how can you get to the rest of them?

You did not respond to my questions about your not having a strong position in her world. I pray, and I have taken the Silva Method and the Basics Course of Religious Scinece. Those are cous=reses thant enahnce the power of prayer. I understand the power of prayer, and encourage yo to improve your prayer skills. But, this is a situation needing action, IMO.

I understand being nice to your wife. But you are not demonstrating power. How can you demnonstrate power to her? How can you tell her she is not a stupid broad. She is smart chick for choosing you because.....

The aphrodesiac of power is not well covered in MB. Ordinarily it is not a real big factor. In your situation, I think you need to focus on your power and the 180 Degree Divorce Busters.

One time I took my wife out to lunch in a Mercedes Convertible, that I took for an extended test drive, from a dealer; I asked the salesman for a special favor. Each salesman has so many loaner plates.

I don't see sitting down with a counselor. I have sat with counselor's. You need a jolt of power and grab her for a kiss. Then do what you have to do with counselors, etc.

You need to drive a Corvette Convertible. A motorcycle. Maybe join a motorcycle gang that will show up with you, where she is some times. I went to a Grateful Dead concert long ago, and still remember a 20 foot wall of bikers standing motionless. Awsome. Join the Masons. Do you know your catechisms,

[edit for suggesting violence as a solution]

Power

Kiss her and sweep her away.

Power.

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

you don't need a big gun midiland...
you need to go to AA

today
peace to you..sir...
avoid the chaos...

quipper...Ghandi was a powerful man...
your definition of power in my opinion is a tad skewed...

seriously...are you being serious?...

ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I seriously hope not...

Midiland, I agree with the others that you need to get to AA. You need God *AND AA. It will take much more than talk to convince your W you are safe.

Alcoholics will promise anything to get out of trouble and she probably knows this. She needs to see you WALK THE WALK for awhile if she is smart, and she doesn't sound dumb to me. You aren't safe otherwise and she would be a fool to take you back on the basis on some talk.

As a fellow alcoholic, you and I both know that we are masters of talking smack when it comes to getting ourselves out of trouble, but we are sorely lacking when it comes to action. Get to AA and start working the program!

Dear Midi,

I took you at your word that you had stopped drinking. Am I missing what others seem to see?

I gave exaggerated examples of power. But you do seem weak to me. What is your plan of power?

My post on power got substantially edited, and lost considerable color. Sorry you missed it.

To get it passed the sensors, I will reword it: Join a Rugby Team. Take Gentle Aikido lessons, for self-defense without committing criminal assault. Steven Segal overdoes Aikido in his movies, but in its gentle form, as intended by its founder, Aikido is more than purely self-defensive. Aikido techniques allow you to protect both you, and your attacker from injury. Aikido is also intended to accomplish the Catharsis, depletion and exhaustion of hostile feelings in your attacker, so that differences acn be discussed and worked out.

My other train of thought that got edited out, was to approach other men who are attempting to talk to, or date, your wife. I suggested that your experienceing the humiliation of jealousy is part of what your wife intends.

You mention that your divorce date is coming soon. Have you asked your lawyer what options you have to postpone your divorce becoming final? This is another power play. Is there a law school nearby? Have you looked at the books? Have you made an apppointment with other lawyers, from the bar referral service to get ideas for cheap fees? It seems to me that a motion to delay the final divorce date indefinitely while you investigate fraud, or fault ground, or attempt reconciliation, or some reason should work, to get the date postponed.

Quipper

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>