I'm just looking for opinions here.

When is it ok?? why is it not ok??
What are your thoughts regarding to a parent who is more devoted, committed and spends a lot of time and energy into their own career?
Before their own childs needs??

Thank you.

While it is understandable, in these economic times, to be protective of one's career, NOBODY that I know of has ever said in his/her deathbed "I should have spent more time on the job".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stephan:
<strong>I'm just looking for opinions here.

When is it ok?? why is it not ok??
What are your thoughts regarding to a parent who is more devoted, committed and spends a lot of time and energy into their own career?
Before their own childs needs??

Thank you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts are that I feel sorry for that person when they realize that they missed out on life and deep regret hits them in the face. They missed out on their childrens life and can never relive it. I can NEVER EVER get back the hours and weeks I took from my children and squandered on my career. I don't even work for that company anymore and never had to sacrifice my life for them. Careers can be replaced, childhoods can't.

If only one good thing comes out of this A, if will be the fact that my WS has began to realize how important it is to spend time with his son's. I have been asking for the same for 17 years and gave up, but through this process he is still not willing to do it for me but realizes the connection and impact a father can have on his children. Why the change, he grew up in a family with two alcholic parents neither one who had the skill or willingness to be real parents. He had no role models and even though I realize many grow up in the same environment and turn out great with the "nurturing instinct" my WS was not one of them. He actually felt the children took me away from him. They were competition. The only problem now is he realizes the importance but still lets others dictate were he is needed, but at least he feels guilty now when he misses a soccer game etc.

km4
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend

When is it ok?? - In my opinion, never.

Why is it not ok?? - Because when you die you won't be judged on how great of a job you had. What you build up in this life, you can't take with you. Just think of all the things one misses out on by spending more "quality time" at work instead of at home.

What are your thoughts regarding to a parent who is more devoted, committed and spends a lot of time and energy into their own career?

This person much like my WW has their priorities in life misaligned. My WW has put her career before our M. What will she have left if I'm gone? An unfulfilling job and a bunch of memories from a one time great M.

You can only find true fulfillment in God. Everything else just leaves you empty. Jobs are not supposed to provide you with contentment and fulfillment because there will always be something "bigger and better" thus they will never be content or fulfilled with what they have.

IMHO, this isn't a question, but rather a request for validation of an opinion. Stephan thinks "INSERT NAME" is a bad parent because Stephan thinks he/she puts 'career' ahead of 'family'.

In reality, the lines are pretty blurred. Is someone who is working 80 hours a week to make ends meet and feed his kids a bad parent? Most of us would say a parent who DOESN'T work enough to make ends meet is the bad parent.

Is someone who is working 80 hours a week to send his kids to college a bad parent? How about 80 hours a week to send his kids to Harvard?

A friend of mine is gone M-F working. He is with the kids Saturday and Sunday...or about 36 hours a week. His kids think he is a great father. He has one kid in medical school, one kid at Notre Dame, and kid at a private prep school. So, is this guy a bad dad?

I think that this is really a fact based question. How old are the kids? What are the circumstances? Are the kids getting all the guidance they need?

Whoa Jimmy, slow down. All i asked for was opinions,, as for my searching for validation of a bad parent, I don't feel I'm in *NO* position to judge any parent. As for the term *bad parent,* sorry, I've never had a day where I have termed, or looked at my W as a bad parent. And that day will never come.

What was in my question, that led to one coming to the conclusion I'm wanting validation of one being a bad parent??

Was not my questions on both sides??
Therefore, what about the possibility of searching for an better understanding? So as to maybe give *more* support, than I already have been?

What about the mere fact that *maybe* this was one of the reasons I was attracted to my W, for her strong working commitments??

There is a fine line between putting career ahead of family. You have to figure out what the proper balance of time between your career and your family is.

As far as a better understanding I feel that people who are career driven find great satisfaciton and fulfillment in it. So someone like myself may never truly understand where they are coming from.

Is there anything in particular that gives you validation, satisfaction, fulfillment? That may be your closest comparison as to why they have their career first.

Is there a sport or activity you enjoy doing the most? With this particular activity, is there anything that would keep you from doing it? Would you like to be very successful doing it?

Maybe I was grumpy...

I don't think there is an answer to your question. Generally, most parents would say, "Hey, my children come first." But, what does that mean?

To a 21 year old child at Harvard, having Dad make the payments on his tuition may be the most important thing to the child. To an 8 year old, having Dad attend a soccer game might be the most important thing in the world. To a 1 year old, getting fed and clothed IS the most important thing in the world.

Every child is different. After you get by the basics of food, clothing and shelter, what is important to child A isn't important to child B.

Keep in mind what a child tells you she needs is *not necessarily* what she needs.

But, that is all irrelvant. The real issue is about fulfilling your needs and expectations about a home and family. And, your wants and needs are just as important as those of your W and children. You and your SO haven't come to terms with this.

Eduard, you asked

[QUOTE]Is there anything in particular that gives you validation, satisfaction, fulfillment?[QUOTE]

In ways, my family did. I'm sure some will think this is crazy, as my W did.
I always raced home each and every day to my family!! Couldn't be W, she had already left for work.

I always thought that this was something I was giving to my W. When we first started dating, i believed that this was something she wanted, and needed. Just from listening to her.

Support Jimmy, I'll say this, I know of all the family outings the children and myself journeyed on, w/o the mom, w/o the W. I supported her tooo much and now I'm

a stbxh.

<small>[ October 10, 2003, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>