I'm ready to give up and I am so angry that I can't even make a decision on giving up. I can see looking back the good days are getting farther apart and the bad days are taking over. Went to IC today to the same C WS goes to. And he could tell I'm at my limit. I'm not sleeping so tired all the time. He helped talk me through what I am feeling.
Basically I realize that WS keeps saying I want to be a better father, a better husband a better person but then I realized what I was missing in that statement, "I want" is not a verb it has no action attached. IC said is he doing anything to show you he wants this? NO.
IC said the most important thing is that WS is spending time with me and boys. He's not, missed oldest birthday dinner then birthday slumber party after he promised because of work. To me he says I have to find me first then be a better father and you'll come after that. He's gone all week as a pilot has a other job on the side that he works with OW at, when he gets off early on an evening he gets a massage, because he needs to relax. Yet he pleadingly tells me he wants to be with us.
I can't be the supportive plan A wife anymore, its been 16 months since d day. I know I haven't been doing plan A as long as that but I have always been supportive and trying.
I told IC that WS keeps promising that after some litagation is over he'll quit job that OW works at and so I feel guilty giving up now. IC asked if I believed him. No, he's been promising me 11 of the last 17 years that he'll down size his life for me. This is just another lie.
Everytime I head the direction of seperation, WS panics doesn't want to seperate what good would that do he says. Then why is he not willing to give it his all.
IC says that even the best intentions are no good if you don't follow through. That it is hard to change and many people want to but can't. He says I have to know my limits and deal with them.
I just want a life with someone who hold my hand and will watch our son's soccer game together, someone I can count on being there for me when times are tough.
What am I doing to my children if I leave, what am I doing to them if I stay.
WS called to see how my appt went, I said I'd discuss it later and that IC wanted to see me next week, I usually go every other. WS knows thats not good.
WS feels things are good because after reading the SAA he relates and feels he's coming out of the fog, another way to make me feel guilty for doubting him?? He still does not have regrets just remorse for what he did to OW H, his best friend, and to our children and maybe a little to me. Then once again why doesn't he show actions.
I want to tell WS that he needs to go find himself but I no longer can be a part of it I can't clean for him, and care about him and take care of his children. I know WS will try to promise and give me reasons not too.
Would someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery.
km4
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend

km
no shots fired here. I can feel your anxiety over your WS inaction. It is always difficult to handle. You know your limits, as you IC suggested. Try keeping a journal, it may help to sort out your feelings. I know it helped me. You may also be able to pen your thoughts/ideas about how you expect WS to assist in mending your M. My H is a passive aggressive person and extremely non confrontational. I know what you are going through. We have 4 children and the OW is in our church, teaches at my kids high school, best friends with H parents and now is the Aunt to my H's bests friends new wife. THis means she is in our personal friends lives and at almost every turn. My H refuses to DO anything.
Be sure to explain to your H your need for family support. Not just finacial support. His presence is more important to your boys than the money. My 8 yr. old son is going through some very hard times now because of our seperation. He was just 3 or 4 years old and the issues he couldn't possibly understand during our seperations are now causing him to act out in school-this from the counselor and psychologist. I think he is getting more of daddy's attention when he acts out and it is a test. H refuses to link seperation and affair to behaviors now. Who knows.
You can handle anything, you are a strong woman.
Remember you can never change what your H is doing or not doing, you can only suggest to him the ideas and changes you would like and pray for the best. Your H can never make you do anything you don't want to do. Also, take some time out for yourself....it sounds like you need a break. Get a massage, have your nails done, go for a long walk (maybe with your H) If you can get someone to watch the boys, go on a trip with your H.
Just some thoughts.
My prayers are with you.

thanks JuJu for your reply, it helps to hear a voice of reason in times of chaos. It is good to hear the impact it had on your 8 yr old, it is for them I have the most fear.
WS is just now getting that time together is worth more then $$$ but again it's not a verb although this weekend he is taking older son to a Remote Control hobby convention and of course up to last night was saying I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it. I am going away for the weekend myself, I am looking so forward to it.
But am so afraid of making the wrong decision and am also so afraid of not knowing when the time to stop it. I remember when I had my first child I was so worried about knowing when I had gone into labor. Friends told me OOOO' you'll def know and of course their right is that the way when its time to end a relationship, you'll def know its time???

km4
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend

Your friends are right. You'll know when you have done everything you can do. Learning to trust the words and works of WS is difficult, but it does happen. Trust yourself first. You can only control your own behavior not your H. Show him what he means to you and your family. It's worth a try. You can and will get past this feeling and time in your life. After all your survived child birth. Have a great weekend.