Hey Lisa , wanted to stop in not alot to offer , I see you got the wisdom of FOREVER and Orchid .
Listen to what there saying .

I just wanted to comment on something I am not bashing you , I just want you to be very honest with yourself .

This has been the third or fourth dead line set since the summer about him leaving . He has said, in the past few months that hes going then he don't . You have told him to then he don't .

Nov. 1st is this when he really leaves ? ARE you going to stick to it ? I mean if he has a change of heart will you , ? and then just continue this cause he says he has no where to go ?

I am sorry you know I support you , but if you are saying PLAN B NOV. then you need to not change that .

It may be very well what he wants come NOV. he don't leave , he may be back to that game of he wants you to throw him out so he can blame you some more ( we went over this rember) But this time please keep in mind you are not throwing him out he is choosing to leave if he chooses to continue this .

Ok I am done . Stay Strong and be well .

What may seem so clear to the rest of us, based on what you're writing here, may not be the case in the situation.

But, what may seem clear to us, you may not be able to see because you are so close to the situation.

I've heard many folks on here, me included, say that a good Plan B is probably what is needed here. You have agreed. But, there is something holding you back.

What is preventing you from moving to Plan B?

Fear?
Finances?
Family?

(The three F's)

Still,

Yes exactly, all those things are stopping me. Like I have said in earlier post, reality has slammed me in the face. So now I have started to detach myself from him and he starts to go back to I dont know whats going to happen. I havent said anything about his A or our M in about 4 days.

Over this past weekend he told me he did want me to have anything to do with our business. Then he calls me last night and says he needs my help or we are going to lose our business and everything. In the meantime I think I have found a job and will know for sure in the next couple of days. Its not what I want and by the time I pay babysitting there wont be too much left, but I have to start somewhere. But what I am getting at is which way do I go.

Also this weekend we have started to hit upon some pre-A issues in our M and he feels as though I have not carried my load and to some extent I agree with him. But at the same time either has he. It is so frustrating to start to understand how we got to this point and I still be the only one commited to trying to save this M. Its almost as though he is asking me to do a great Plan A in a sense. Do you understand that? Underneath all the anger, confusion and insanity that comes from his mouth, I almost think I hear "be the woman I married and step up to the plate." Funny though I can sure say the same about him.

I have stopped focusing on his A and our M. My focus must be on keeping our business because that pays the bills, which are severely behind. I must now try to figure if this can be done while we are still living together. I feel as though if we seperate now we will lose everything. I am not making excuses for him not leaving, because that is what I want, I just cant see financially how it can be done right now. Does this make any sense?


Lisa

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Lisa, is he still in IC are you in IC? You both have issues you need to adress as individuals..can't have a recovery until that happens. I know that your H was in IC and both of you were in MC but you haven't said much about that lately. If you H is in IC then he probably needs to find someone new because it doesn't sound like this one is helping much.

I told you a long time ago that whether you and your H are married, together, separated or divorced you will always have to deal with each other since you have children.

Does this statement make sense to your H in his current insane state...he did say his kids were most important thing now. I would take that approach in trying to get him into see a better counselor...if not for you..he should try and get better for the kids sake. Don't make this about you...make it about him and the kids (a psychology thing).

You also need to be in IC. I am sure you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as are probably suffering lots of self esteem issues and depression issues.

Become a better, happier, healthier person for you and your children. If your H does the same there is hope for the two of you in the future.

For now develop your Plan B with timelines and stick to it. Continue to be distant but civil...unemotional at all costs!!! Don't give him any ammunition to act out!!!

Please shop for an IC for yourself today...really think about what's important in a counselor to you and find the right one. Mine was a woman who was a Christian, pro family, non judgemental, trained at things like inner child, logical adult, critical doubter sides of each persons personality structure, trained as a psychotherapist, was proactive therapist (didn't just sit back ask me questions and go hmmm..how did that make you feel) she COUNSELED me, didn't just analyze me.

Good Luck!

Forever,

My WH thinks is IC counsellor is wonderful...seems they spend most of their time talking about me and why I still want to be married to him. WH says he cant understand why I want to be married to him. Counselor cant understand why either. WH told me today he loves me dearly and that is why we must split up. He also said he doesnt know what he is looking for and probably wont ever find it. He also said what hes looking for is probably right in front of him and he just cant see it. He told me he is letting me go because he loves me so much and someday I will realize this is the right thing. How does one respond to this??? He is so running away from everything...even though he swears he is not, and gets mad when I say so.

I told him if he feels that strongly about this M being over then he needed to leave ASAP. I could not and would not live with him any longer. I again told him that I wanted this M and I was not giving up and all he could say was why. Then he asked me to leave him alone for awhile because all of sudden he didnt feel good. I left the house and said "GOODBYE" WH.

Lisa

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is preventing you from moving to Plan B?

Fear?
Finances?
Family?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, where do you fit in there and your M? You are not doing your M or yourself a service by preventing yourself from action by fear.

You have talked about Plan B and what seems to be inevitable for many of us on here. What are your plans for dealing with these fears....or are you so stifled by the fears, you have prevented yourself coming up with a plan?

Don't mean to come down on you (OK, maybe I do) and I'm not a good one to talk, I did a HORRIBLE Plan B. But our separation was the best thing we could have done, and I have grown from it. I stay and work things out harder because I got a taste of what I'd be missing, and I hope this is true for my FWH too.

Lisa,
I feel like I am in a similar position to yours. In MC last Wednesday, I got so upset that we agreed that my H should spend the weekend in a hotel. We were talking about our one attempt at a win-win collaberation -- cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner. He left, I called "Tom -- kitchen", and he said in front of our 9 year old "I am not a dog that you would call me." No doubt there was frustration in my words, but it was the one thing that we had reached a POJA on...

Anyway, my H's words about POJA are that it is a way to control him. Anger is about control, too. I was just terrible to Tom for months and months on end about the A. Supposedly, it is over. At this point, I don't know that it matters because there are other things (like you have with business issues with your H).

Anyway, for MC, I am supposed to write a vision of a happy M. In there, I have "we protect our relationship through care rather than control."

I realized that I have been trying to convince him that the A was not justified, etc. You know what? Convince equals control. I am looking at how to protect our M with care, and I think it may be to be away from him. I haven't thought this out, I may be wrong, but I think that is what Harley is talking about with regard to Plan B.

If your spouse is doing something awful and you simply cannot tolerate it, then you will either try to change it by getting angry (control) or you will remove yourself until he comes back to you to tell you he has stopped doing it (care). The care is that you are protecting your own willingness to work on the M.

I'm not sure if this is helpful. My own thoughts are so much work in progress that they probably seem muddled to you.