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I am still waiting for the book SAA to come in but I keep wanting to ask questions about her. As far as I know it is an EA but I'm not sure. But is it an EA if he only has feelings for her but she does not know or that she does know but might have told him that its something they should not do?

for all you readers out there is it normal that they dont want to admit the truth that he has feelings for her. He told me he loved her back in August but now he tells me that he was confused and emotional. He keeps going back to the fact that I told him in anger 6 years ago that I wished I had never married him but I tell him it is because I was mad at the moment, so he claims he was emotional at that moment and that it does not mean anything. We'll I think It does and that It is alot different than what I said. I asked him if it isnt about her that he definatley wants a divorce then can you tell me right now that after its over and done that you will remain friends and not date her or be together but he cant give me an answer. Am I being unrealistic? I feel like it is a straightforward answer its either yes or no. By him not telling me I feel like its a yes.

I have not told family and friends yet I am waiting for the book so I can read how to go about it without shaming him or without petty.
He tells me I can tell them what I want but that he wont be telling them anything about what I have done or said. Am I correct that he is making me feel guilty? He tries to deny that he told me about this being our 3rd life together and that he has to end it to carry on a different path in life. So now he tells me to beleive what I want and tell people what I want, like I'm going to tell them lies or something.

Then he asks me if I appreciate what he's doing that he is staying here for a year while I go back to school and take a lpn course. I feel that he should do that for me Ive been at home for 7 years caring for our 3 children and I'm sure the courts would see that he cannot abandon his family without seeing that I get a career. I know why hes so willing to stay it makes him feel less guilty that if I have a career things will be easier somehow for him.

I am sooooo sick of him telling me how he married me because he felt that he didn't want to dissapoint his family.

What's really hard right now is looking at him and wondering how he could have changed so much in this past year. I feel like I've married someone who is a quitter someone so cold that he can look me in the eyes and say he has never loved or cared.

any advice would be appreciated???

My original post in case you want to read it for the whole story is in the Just found Out board under- Cerri and everyone else (updated) what should I do?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2003 | IP: Logged |

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: feeling lonely ]</small>

Yes he loved her when he was in the fog, but when the fantasy faded, he woke up and was back to his old self and said "What was I thinking!"

Real common response. He's back and he means it I'd bet. The sexual attraction and addiction to the A fades as reality sets in. Read the Harley books...explains it all-JG

Hi feeling lonely
Your H probably did and maybe still does have feelings for OW. Try to think about the reasons he may deny this to you. Maybe he does not want to hurt you. I know that this is wrong but remember that he is human and none of us is pefect. I am not familiar with the details of your situation but am assuming that you are on the early stage of recovery.

Unfortunately it doesn't happen over night. It takes time before he will be willing to risk opening up about this to you. Are you making it safe for him to be open up to you? If he were to open up and admit to feelings for his OW how would you react.

There is no doubt that my H believed he loved the OW. Indeed on Dday he said he loved her and that he wasn't sure about me. However remember that until Dday, he has been in fantasy world and has been taking you for granted. He probably hadn't truly thought out what you actually meant to him. I can tell you when I asked mine to go to OW, that I had no interest in being with someone who loved another, he soon changed his tune saying that he realised losing her meant nothing and that he couldn't bear the thought og losing me.

I know where you are coming from. For a long time I agonised over the fact that he was doing the right thing rather than what his heart desired. In fact I did my best to push him to her. Well here we are 2 years later.

Do you not think that if he truly loved her he would go to her now. It must be pretty pathetic love if he doesn't. He clearly feels more for you or he would not be there with you now. Even if he says it is to enable you to get a career for later, it still shows that he cares for you. Why would he deny his feelings for her if he didn't care what you think.

It is very hard to think that our H had feelings for another. It is extremely hard to come to terms with and doesn't happen overnight. It is with the continued passage of time and our H showing by their actions that they do indeed love us that we are able to let down our guard and open ourselves to their love again. And it is with time with us being open to listening in a respectful way to our Hs that they feel safe enough to reveal their true feelings.

I felt just as you early on. About a year after recovery, mine finally talked about his true feelings for OW. He said he felt devestated for her after the affair ended and devestated for me. He was miserable. However he said that he could now see the truth of who she really was and I can say that he did not paint a glowing picture of her. This was great to hear as early on you would have thought she was a saint. She could do no wrong. I think deep down though he probably has some fond memoties of her. There is nothing I can do about that except accept it. I try to think about her as an exgirlfriend I guess. I knew her well and I loved her too, so I can understand him.

Try and hang in there. I agonised over this very thing early on. It is so hard.
C&S

"I have not told family and friends yet I am waiting for the book so I can read how to go about it without shaming him or without petty."

The general advice from Harleys is that you should tell friends and family of the affair. One of the reasons the affair's flame keeps burning is because of its secretiveness. Take away that, and half the allure is gone.

And yes, he is trying to make you feel guilty, with his comment about not telling them anything you have done. It is the playground equivalent of "I won't tell if you won't" Disregard it, and tell anyway, and be prepared that he may spill whatever beans he has on you, too. Probably NOT though, because he will want to appear the more loyal of the two of you (yeah weird reasoning, but that is how the WS thinks).

You need to accept the fact that you will never know the whole truth of the affair, and if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to stop asking for it. Accept what he has told you, and try to get ahead of it...I made the mistake of continually badgering my X, and I believe it helped him leave, or at least gave him a supposed reason to. Believe me, I eventually learned most of the truth, and it does not help one jot to know. It really, truly does NOT! In fact it makes it worse, because you then start putting two and two together WAY too much, and it consumes you.

Now, he has agreed to stay for a year. So PLAN A THE HECK OUT OF HIM FOR THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! You are sick of him, you say, but you are lucky that he is there; most of us here were trying to Plan A when we saw our WS's infrequently. You will be in his sight every day.

Remind him with your actions (not telling him) why he fell in love with you by doing your best to be that person again. Remember what it was he liked about you and play that up again. It can be kinda fun, in a way (I once had a great time flirting with my X - it was so funny to see the bewildered expression on his face and was good for ME to see I could still have an effect on him).

thank to all who replied to my post.

NewJersey and Confused and Scared I must have come accross on my post that we were in recovery.
Actually we are not. He is still wanting to leave me in a year after I go back to college. He has no feelings for me and has feelings for the OW but will not tell me how he feels. I'm trying to enter plan A but I have not told family all about it yet.
Nina Too thanks for the advice abount not to badger my husband about the OW. I have been doing that lately and I can see your point that it could make things worse. I was thinking yesterday about it and I know that I can't change the way that he feels. If he want't to leave me for her I have no say in the matter and the choice will ultimately be his. I'ts just hard being the one left behind when you feel they are going to be so happy, while we are left in mourning. I am trying to do better when I read Harleys books I can see where I went wrong. As for him spilling the beans about what I have done that is ok with me but yes he feels people will ridicule him about wanting to leave etc he has already admitted that to me. But I think they will be understanding and he needs to be told that marriages take time and that all marriages have their problems. but as for me I do not want him to stay out of pitty for me because then he will never truly be happy with his decision and then years later he will go through resentment over all of this and I will never truly be happy not knowing if his feeling are genuine. Sometimes they need to leave to see what It is like without us together, and It may take my husband that to see the light.

My husband has a friend at work who was messing with his wifes best friends who were next door neighbors, he left his wife for her and they are now living a happy life with a new child between them who is now 7. It bugs me because I always hear that affairs usually do not work out. My H has no problem siding with him and saying that he had feeling for her so why not trust your gut and go with it because all that matters in life is whether or not you are happy. He does not look at what the Other Wife went through. He only complains about how much his friend had to pay for child support.etc he will be paying me a fair amount too. they are his kids too.

you had said that if he truly had feeling for the other woman that he would be with her. she is also married and has teenage kids and her marriage is rocky and she in 9 yrs older than me.
I feel its just an EA and he is confused to why he has feeling for her and none for me.

My whole story is somewhat complicated because by h is into pranic healing and he has seen psychics who tell him this is our 3rd life together and we have not learned past lessons and he needs to leave to fix this problem. Also they tell him this OW and him have been together in a past life.
The only problem is all these people he see's and all in this close knit group of people who are also into pranic healing and past lives. They claim he has walked beside Jesus and everything. I feel like he is being brainwashed but he does not see this at all. I feel no hope because he has told me his healing is his N#1 priority in life above me and the kids and nothing is going to stop him. If you want to reaad my whole story is in on the Just Found Out Board under cerri and everyone else(updated)what should I do?
I feel like My H is going through mid life crisis only a little early. He is trying to find some meaning to his life