Harry it seems that your W's love bank is close to full otherwise she would not have anything to do with you.

Just out of curiosity, has she expressed any desire to have a child with you?

TMCM: Has she expressed a desire to have a child with me? Funny you should ask...She says it's all she desires. She's always wanted to have children and before her A we were just starting to kick the effort into high gear. Since then I've placed it on the back burner since stabilizing our M was job one. It is still a dream of ours, but first things first.

Today was utterly awesome. I'm not kidding when I say this weekend has been the best weekend I've had in a year.... Even with the trauma of moving out.

She has been more loving, sharing, giving this weekend than I can ever remember. I called her this morning and asked her out to breakfast, she sounded so excited to hear from me and readily agreed to breakfast. During I said that I ended up sleeping on the floor last night since the inflatable bed was punchered. She said I needed to get a bed and offered to help me shop for one. So instead of doing yardwork, we spent the day shopping for a bed, bedding and grocries to my apt. During the bed shopping she asked what size bed I wanted, I said hummmmmm.

She said.....well if you move back you'll want to make sure it'll fit in one of the guest bedrooms.

He shoots! He scores!

We then came to the apt to move the new bed and all the goodies in and had a blast trying to get that thing up the stairs. Afterwards we put the new sheets on ..........

Later we went to dinner and here I picked up on WAY2's comments about rewarding....after we ate I took her hand and told her thanks for all her help today and for keeping me company. I told it was a simply wonderful day. She just looked at me with the most loving look, smiled and turned me into a stick of butter on high melt.

I( took her home and we went in and looked through some old pictures, had a few laughs and after a few I got up and she walked me out. Outside she help me and told me she loved me. She said she was sorry she made me move out. I told her that maybe it's doing us some good, that even with moving out this has been the best weekend in a long time. She agreed and said, "yes, but I miss you at night". I just kissed her and said I loved her.


Folks, I'm on cloud 9 right now. I hope this never ends, cause it's a long way down,,,,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Later we went to dinner and here I picked up on WAY2's comments about rewarding....after we ate I took her hand and told her thanks for all her help today and for keeping me company. I told it was a simply wonderful day. She just looked at me with the most loving look, smiled and turned me into a stick of butter on high melt.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yay! I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was going to suggest you ask her out for a date .. but you're well ahead of me here .. just don't forget flowers ocassionaly, little notes and cards ... do you have keys to her car?

Some night or early morning, before she get's up place a set of new driving gloves on the dash.. with a little bow and a note (especially if it's getting cold where you are) ... do little things to encourage her to continue working on your marriage.

Happy for you!
way2

Ugh, lost some altitude. W called me today and we chatted a bit. She wanted me to come over and do some yardwork with her after work. Then I told her thanks for the help again this weekend and that I had a wonderful time. She got all sullen and said she had a wonderful time too, but she just wished we could have those kinda times when we're together (meaning living together I guess).

I told her that we should just take one day at a time and not try to over analyze things.

Now she's back to the glass half empty I guess. I'm now not looking forward to tonight.

Well tonight didn't happen. Talked to W just before I left work and she said that she thought I needed time to myself. I remained as cheery as I could and told her when she wanted me to do the yardwork to just give me a call and I'd be happy to do it anytime.

Staying low key. Giving her only the good stuff.

HarryS-

She will have her rollercoaster moments/times too.

Shortly after d-day Myad -- while he was still heavy in fog and trying to sell me on a "open" marriage, etc etc. we were playing frisbee.. he said "We didn't do this when we were married"

that hurt beyond words..

just be reasonably sure that she is not still in contact with OM .. and then go with the flow ... does she like beanie babbies
of any other small cutie cuddly plush toy?

If so you might want to start investing in a few and dropping them off wrapped in a box/with note at the front door ...

let here find them when she gets home.

way2

So it's been a week.... (atually a little over a week).

This is hard. I was doing pretty good up until last weekend. W was calling every night around midnight tell me goodnight and I'd call around lunch and tell her I loved her. Maintained NC with my OW and from all signs she was maintaining her NC with OM. So Friday morning I called and asked her out to dinner and a movie... She says she has other plans and left it at that.
So I'm solo on a friday night. I decide that I'm not staying and and go out to Deep Ellum (a local retro scene with bars and tatoo parlors. I have too much to drink and end up getting this huge tatoo on my upper arm.... What the heck? I go home with a sore arm.

No call at midnight so I decided to do some amok snooping. I drove over to the house and no car. Parked down the street and waited. 3:00 am she comes home. I drive back to apt and am feeling loss. Lonely...I don't know what, but I make a stupid move and send IM to my OW. She answers back and we start chatting again. I tell her the whole truth and tell her I'm sorry for hurting her. She tells me she knew I was hiding something and says she still has feelings for me. I'm stewpid and tell her I moved out (giving her hope). She starts up again and tells me how much she cares about me and how great I am. She says she wants me to call her so she can hear my voice again and I just sit there and allow this into my head and heart. Finished chatting around 5:30am and went to bed. WW calls me at 9:00 am and asks if I was coming over to do the yardwork and I told her I'd be right over.

Now it gets complicated. Spent the day with W doing yard work. After we go in the house and I change shirts..... bad move. W sees tatoo and freaks. She gets major legue hacked off. I spout off that when we went down there in August and I told you I was thinking about getting one that she told me to go right ahead. I turn it around and told her to say what she means and mean what you say. I get mad at her and start to leave. She calms down and asks me to stay. We go out to eat and then back to the house and lay down on couch and cuddle. Around 8:00 pm I get up and tell her I'm going back to the apt. We say goodbye and I leave. Called the house to say goodnight around 11:00 and no answer. Called till 1:00am with still no answer.

Time to move on. Back to chat. OW is there waiting on me it seems. I am so tired, but I end up staying up till dawn again chatting with her. She says she loves me and wants to be my wife as soon as I'm divorced. Ugh...

I go to bed and get up at 12:00pm and call W. She's home and I ask if I can come over to get a jacket. She says sure. I get there and say to her, I tried to call you last night and you wern't home and she says she went out. Nothing else, so I say where? She told me she went out with some 'friends' to downtown. Yeah right. I turn to leave (feeling she has broke NC) and she grabs me and asks me to stay for awhile. I am hurt, but agree and we sit on couch. She pulls me down and we start to cuddle and then she puts the moves on and we end up having a hot steamy afternoon. After we fell asleep in each others arms. Got up around 10:00 pm and start to leave. She asks if I would stay the night and all I can think about is getting back to the apt to chat with OW. I leave. I get back to apt. I look at computer. I stare at computer and say 'What the heck am I doing?' I sit down on floor and shake my head. I wonder if my feelings about her NC are correct or just a trick to justify me breaking my NC. I resolve to ask and I call her back. I ask her flat out if she went out with OM and she answers no. Gut confirms and I ask her if she still wants me to spend the night and she affirms. Drive back over there, get in bed and spend blissfull night in my W's arms.

I'm such a sap.

Harry you need to get your butt kicked for breaking NC with the OW. How can you accuse your W of breaking NC with the OM when it is you that has broken NC with the OW? If you truly want to save your marriage, then the last thing you need is to resume your EA with the OW. So end ALL contact with her once and for all.

Try instead to find romantic things to do with your W because afterall she IS a woman, and like most women, she would most likely appreciate a little romance from her H wouldn't she? Try to become her lover not just in bed, but out of it as well.

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Harry harry harry....coulda told ya that would happen.

My question to you is what the hell do you want? And how do you suppose you're going to get it?

Your internet relationship is there to fill a void. Really fair to the woman on the other end, eh? Does she know you're still sleeping and fighting with your wife?

You need to get a plan, and stick with it...or end your marriage if you want to roam aimlessly with no commitments.

Oh God I know I know. I feel like I'm falling off the deep end. One moment I'm so depressed about how the events and my actions (hers as well) have ruined my vision, my dream of the life I wanted and then the very next there I am chatting away with OW. She is asking me to come and see her and part of me is pulling that way, but then the realization that going to see her is the same as making the commitment to end my marriage pulls me the other way. I feel like a feather in the wind. I can't see a direction. I thought the anti d's were supposed to help with this.

This week the W is staying with her mom to help with her brothers wedding this weekend. I called her at lunch today and we chatted a bit. She asked me why I sounded down and I told her I missed her. She says she misses me too, every now and then. What the heck is that? Every now and then? Maybe she's right and too much water has flowed under that bridge. Maybe there isn't a way back.

TMCM: Yes I know. Yes your right. Yes I should romance her, but I find myself questioning if she really wants it. It's like this....

The OW takes the smallest amount of affirmation and runs with it. She gives back huge amounts of affirmation and admiration for such a small investment. My W on the otherhand gives back such a small amount for a huge investment.

oh.... look what I'm doing.

Man, this is fog talk big time. I'm justifying myself. I just read back through what I just typed and realize how much BS it is. My A is a fantasy. It's not real. I have a REAL relationship with my W.

Man! I'm still a sap

Harry, self-pity is so unbecoming.

H4F is right that you either commit to a marital recovery plan to save your marriage or end it once and for all. So what's it going to be?

Matthew 6:24
"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

TMCM: You know the answer....I'm back on the wagon as of now. No self pity, no excuses...I'm there.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Crime and Punishment

W called me last night. Actually she called 12 times. I left the cell phone at home while I was working out in the apt gym (I have no land line) and when I got back the phone was still ringing. I saw it was her and hesitated. Let her hang up and called voicemail. She left a message denoting she knew I was still in contact!

Ugh! The only way she could possibly know that was for her to come over and hack my wireless network. I did a range check last night and found that she could sit in the parking lot in front with her laptop and still be in range. I had resolved yesterday to end it once and for good. NC was going to be a way of life for me. And I kept to it.

Phone rang again and I answered it. I kept an upbeat tone and told her about my day. Then she comes right out and asks if I had contact with OW. I admit it and tell her I have already decided to restore NC and I don't blame her for doubting my sincerity. I told her that I still want my M and that I still love her more than anything. All she says is that she doesn't know that. We hung up and then I pouted for awhile. I was pretty exausted from staying up so late the past few nights and from working out, but still felt I needed to do something for W. I had bought a couple of small cute stuffed animals the day before with the intent of giving them to W. So last night at midnight I drove up to the office to get stuffed animal and stuch a little note on it then drove to the house and tied it to the front door.

Then left and called her on my way back to the apt and told her to answer the door.

She called back a few minutes later sounding more happy. We chatted for a few seconds and exchanged ILY's and she told me she missed me.

I should have been doing this a week ago....

I still feel like a sap, but I think I'm on my way to becomming just a jerk. I'm a work in progress.

Good for you Harry for being honest with your W about your contact with the OW. Remember that affairs are born of lies and deceit, and the more you and your W practice radical honesty between the two of you, the less likely that another affair (from either) will have a chance to take root.

Your W doesn't sound like a woman who is resolute about divorcing her H, so take advantage and romance her like you have just met her for the first time. After all, she is worth it, isn't she?

TMCM: According to her plan she took this week off work to do two things, one to help with her brother's wedding this weekend and two to see a lawyer and start the divorce proceedings. I haven't heard anything about #2 at all. I don't think she did it. I could be wrong and she could surprise me tomorrow at the wedding, but I don't think so.

I went out last night to do some shopping. I wanted to look *good* tomorrow and bought a pair of Armani slacks and a new shirt. Went back to apt and read a book. No call from W at all so about midnight I called house and she wasn't there. I left a vm just saying I was going to bed and ILY.

Holding firm to NC. Resolved to make sure I don't confuse the issue anymore than I have, but feeling quite alone. Got 2 emails from OW and hit delete without reading. then blocked the address. After I deleted I thought what harm would it do to just peek....so I open my trash folder and caught myself......flushed trash and felt better.

Hi HarryS,

Sounds like your doing better. I would also suggest that you tell your W about the latest emails and the steps you've taken. You could even tell her that she has open access to your computer. The same things you expected from her is now what you need to do.

It seems that both of you need to rebuild trust.

Time, Patience and Love.

I do have a question do you plan to ask your W out on a date. Give it a try.

Post Wedding Update!


Well it's been a long weekend and I just got back to my apartment. Was with W all weekend since Friday night. All in all not a bad weekend, jot great, but not bad either. The wedding went well and twards the end of the weekend when we were all dragging she tended to lean on me a bit more.

Only one bad note to the whole thing. Sitting around at her mother's today eating lunch W was asking so personal questions about her mother's past. After several of these Q&A's W's mother turned to her and asked her if she could have a turn asking questions. W said yes and her mother asked her what did she plan to do about me. She replied that she didn't know. MIL pushed and W said that a lot has happened and that we were only good together when we're apart. MIL then told her if she wouldn't decide to work on M then to cut me loose and divorce me. She said that I desereved not to be left hanging on. W said fine... she would do just that and then MIL started to get upset. We all then jumped in to calm her down and then I left and came back here....

still...not a bad weekend. Could have hoped for more, but still maintaining N/C with OW and it's been 6 days.

Oh and yes, I have asked her out on a date. She is right about one thing, we are pretty good to each other when we don't live 24x7 together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is right about one thing, we are pretty good to each other when we don't live 24x7 together."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may be because there is the false sense of freedom when not having to deal or being accountable to a spouse that is waiting at home. But as you've witnessed firsthand, there is also the danger OP coming on to the scene and fulfilling the most important EN's of both spouses. You may be in NC with the OW, but don't close your eyes to any signs that your W is violating NC with the OM. It is essential that you calmly, respectfully, and soothingly convey to her how important it is for you that she be totally honest with regards to her status with the OM otherwise your trust and your love for her may be in danger of ending if you find out for yourself if she's been lying and deceiving you about NC with him.