Hello,i haven't posted anything for a while,posted originally back on 8/27. I have been reading alot from here though. Well i wish i had followed advice and did the plan B sooner,but I was foolish in thinking maybe things would be ok. As I said earlier my H still was in contact by phone and every time I talked about this he would not end it. Finally he did try not calling as much,he would only talk to her when he was at work .I continued to suffer,him knowing this ,but still insisting it was nothing. I caught him in a few lies,one of them being about him going to see her,which he said he didn't. Remember the ow is only 18 yrs old. She now has quit college. She is still telling him she wants to be with him and will wait. I ask my H why is she waiting ,what are your intentions? I still was trying to be the best I could be ,no LB's ,but I was dying a slow death. I cant't take this pain adn hanging in limbo. We can not recover our marriage with this contact. I taped his phone conversations ,maybe not the best thing to have to hear it but now i know .I just wanted to believe so badly that this person whom I've known for 23 yrs would not be lying still to me. He of course he said he wouldn't hurt me again . Boy was I a fool!!! He of course did see her ,she showed up at my daughters swim meet. The conversation made me sick. I called her mother immediately ,this is the first time I had talked to her,wished I did it sooner. I wanted her to be aware of what was happening. Then I confronted my H . Of course he had no explaination. I just can't understand how someone can continually hurt and lie,how many times can someone swear to you, promise you. This is the worst pain ,knowing he doesn't respect me.Then he has the nerve to believe him one more time ,he said he would tell her he can't see her anymore!I wasn't worth losing ,not even for her. I said no.I told him he has to leave,how could I believe him and what about the talking ,he didn't say that he would stop that. It is hard for me not to be angry now, I have not really shown any anger before. H doesn't sound sure about his plans, he said "I told her I probably won't be able to talk to her anymore" Then he said something about it depends on what I want ot do, said it probably wont work out between us now because I have too much resentment now.H is looking for some assurance from me that I still want him ,he ultimately wants me to make this decision for him. I told him again I want him to leave until he stops this other relationship. The problem is he has no where to go . We don't have money for a hotel. He could go to his mothers, but won't. So he has been coming home at night to sleep on the couch. I didn't see him last night or this morning but I left a letter (plan B) for him. I know this has to be done even if it means him being with her again ,which I guess is why I could't do it before,but he still managed to see her anyways. I just don't know how I feeling about this now. I was so willing to save our marriage before,my felings of love were still very strong, but now I am sick. Talk about emptying your love bank! He basically wiped it out. But why do I still feel guilty about making him leave. I hate hurting other peoples feelings. This is one of my biggest problems. He says he will stay out of the house at night but ask if he come back in the morning to shower for work. I don't want him sleeping in his car. Plus I don't want him to come back and forth with no boundaries,I learned that lesson the hard way the first time. If I had no contact with him when he left the first time this might have ended already. Why was I so stupid?????

It wasnt that you were stupid or dumb...It was him being very good at what he was doing...You have to know it wasnt oyu...

You were not stupid, but were trusting that his words matched his actions which sadly was not the case. Dr Harley has said that Plan A is not always succesful in helping to end an affair, especially one where the WS is addicted to the OP. I understand that you don't want him to sleep in his car but there is always the OW's place and it just may be where he needs to go in order to start opening his eyes to what it really would be like to live with her.

The OW is 18 and lives with her parents. He wants to stay in a motel but given the finacial situation we are in we can't spend any extra money when we can't even pay our mortgage! He got us in this finacial mess, I don't know how he can think of starting another life. I would think a least he would be telling me how much he wants to keep our marriage,but he is still feeling bad for her too. He told me she told her parents everything and they said they will support whatever she does and hopes she doesn't get hurt. That is not the picture I got from her mother when I talked to her. So now he thinks ,she's willing to really go through with this. He still can't hurt her. He told me he doesn't deserve either one of us. It makes me angry for him to put me in the same category as her. What does she have to lose? She is only 18 has her whole life ahead of her. This can just be one big oops -that was silly- for her. I don't know anymore of what I want I am losing it.

gotta jump in.

You, of course, were not stupid just trusting like all of us are (or were).

What do you want now?

He wants, he thinks, he can't, he doesn't ......
Screw him. It's you that needs the attention. Start thinking about you. You need to do what is right for you. He made his bed and now doesn't have the guts to admit his mistake and make amends.

Kick him out and see how fast she dumps him.

Read SAA and start doing things for you. This will get him back, if you want him.

Good luck and remember - you cannot change him only yourself.

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 02:11 AM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

Thanks all for your advice . I have read SAA. I did also tell him to leave and he is staying at his mothers, with much reluctance.Last night he talked to my friend ,who I told him to contact if he has to tell me something . They talked for a while. She is better than any therapist I have encountered so far.He kind of opened up to telling her what was going on.But he wanted to know if he could come back to the house to get ready for workin the morning. I told him to get his clothes now. I think this is the first time he has to do whatr someone else is telling him to do. I haven't seen or talked to him for 3 days. It is hard . I am angry ,thinking he is probably using this time to talk or see OW.This drives me crazy an of course I guess it is natural to want to put a stop to it. I don't know if I can take him back. I guess I want to see him beg and plead a little .And also I don't want someone who is always going to have this feeling for someone else. But knowing what frame of mind he is in ,it's not going to happen. He told my friend,he would just like to take off and not come back.I know I have to take care of me. But I hate feeing like this,constantly thinking,it hurts so much.At this point in my life I shouldn't be going through this. Its so frustrating!!

I am so confused right now ,everything hurts so much.As I said earlier my H talked with my friend, then left a message on her phone saying he appreciated the time she spent listening ,he was going out eith OW that night (saturday) and one way or another he woull make a decision. Then talked again on Sunday to my friend,(she is our contact between us) starting the conversation off with "I was 95% sure I was going to be with OW" but then he talked with our friend ,who had left his wife to ask if he was truly happy. This person told him no he wished he gave his M a better chance. Now my H changes his mind. He goes on to say that he really wants to give it a chance and OW wants him to do this also,because she don't want him always thinking about me. What was I doing for the past 31/2 months? I thought we were giving it a try, he sais he wasn't putting much effort into it. H spent all night with OW until 11am next day, in a car he said ,discussing this . Of course he admitted having sex with her. Why is H discussing our future with a 18 yr old. Why does her opinion count. He should have told our contact he needed to speak with me ,if what he wanted was to reconcile. Obviously his actions speak louder than his words. We have a MC appointment tomorrow night and wants to know if I will still go. He is still unsure it sounds to me, what he really wants. He is still in this fog. I don't know if I can even look at him right now I am so crushed. I did forgive him and start trusting him alreadythe first time he came back, now I supposed to again. How many times does he need to spend time with her to say goodbye and if he really meant it why have sex,what message is that giving, I love my W he is telling her but at the same time he is having sex with her-this is crazy! . Do I continue no contact,go to the meeting ,face him and let him tell all this to my face instesd of my friends. I am so lost ,confused, desperate. please help!!

Hi cmdp

I'm sorry for your situation.

IMHO the MC session is a waste of time. As long as the OW is in the picture, he isn't serious about working on the M which I think is what MC is all about. I would continue with NC. I would feel sorry for the 18 year old except she know he is M and doesn't care. She has a lot of growing to do. I would pity her and have contempt for her. (Maybe you should send his dirty laundry to her if you have any.)

My advice is to work on yourself, and get closer to God. He needs to earn your trust, and respect. His actions will need to speak for him now.

Thanks for the support,and the laugh about the laundry. How ironic, I just put his dirty clothes that he had the nerve to leave here in a bag, I should give them to her !Supposedly he told her it was over, that was saturday. This is what he tells our contact but hasn't told me yet. But from his actions I can not believe what he is saying. I just hate this feeling of pain ,like I am paralized. I know I shouldn't be letting him get to me this way, but how can you help it.

CM,

Plan b with a vengance...you must must must remove yourself from his chaos....and sorry but in my opinion abuse of the 18 year old OW...

Plan B cut ALL contact...doing his laundry, letting him come home to get ready for work...
stop it stop it stop it...(begging here)

The message you send to your own daughter/children can be very damaging...
quit talking thinking knowing about him..

let go...and feel the freedom from his mess you have been missing in your life......

I am begging here more than I ever have for you to drop this one here and now...
let him see what his actions reap...


remove yourself totally from his INSANITY>..

GROWN MEN who choose to be with GROWN WOMEN other than their wives leave their wive and go do that...
let him move in with her and her parents...

drop the in depth conversations with the contact person as well...freeze and hold onto what little if any love you have left for him in your love bank...and go darker than dark...

DO NOT accept him back without...
counselling.
no contact that involves apologies to the 18 year old..
her parents.
grandparents
and any pets they or you own..
AND to your daughter...who I hope you are protecting from him...

NO entry into your home...
visits with children in publice places...
NO CONTACT

remove yourself...I am so afraid that any other action of doing or letting him ...gives him warped permission and condones his behavior with as far as I am concerned a minor child...

blunt I am..
but none of this is your fault...

blessings to you...
you are in my prayers....

if you feel you must do his laundry...
then remember that sometimes bleach has a way of accidently spilling onto that load of darks...
but please stop...I think you have earned a long long break of having to do his laundry for quite some time..

ARK <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />