hi everybody,Two yrs. ago i got got too close to coworker,kissed and hugged her.No sex even though i failed 2 lie detector tests.It was mutual the first test on who wanted the test,the second was all my idea to prove my innocence.My wife told me to quit talking to her,i did for some time then started talking to her that was it,we had a mutual friend having personal problems.my wife filed for d-day in jul.our court date is 12-4-03,we get along great and i still the lovin her eyes,she recently got apt. for dec.for her and our two girls 6 and 4.she tells everyone how much she loves me and will be lonely but doesnt want to look kike fool again and get hurt.im going to mc but she wont.What can i do?i have cut ties to coworker forever,wife says too late.I want my wife back and will not give up!any advice?fROM A LONELY DAD AND HUSBAND.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife told me to quit talking to her,i did for some time then started talking to her that was it,we had a mutual friend having personal problems.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ouch! Its one thing to forgive adultery ONCE, but quite another to be asked for a SECOND CHANCE. You are asking for quite a bit here. Are you sure you are committed to fidelity? I mean, you barely squeeked by with your marriage after the first time and you did it again! I sure wouldn't take you back. How can she be sure you wouldn't do it again when you broke your word before?

Jeff, what kind of things have you tried to show your love to her? Have you apologized? Have you tried giving her flowers or sending her little notes? What have you done thus far?

I would also have a very hard time trusting someone who failed 2 lie detector tests and then when he recontacted the OW claimed to just be discussing a "mutual friend." I wouldn't buy any of this and wouldn't even feel safe unless I got the WHOLE TRUTH. If the story doesn't smell right, I sure wouldn't take a chance on it.

Dear Jeff,

You started a thread on Oct 17, and a number of wise responses were given. You responded once in the thread, but additional answers have been given since you last responded. It is IMO, an MB courtesy to at least post a reply of "Thanks for posting" at the end of your thread to indicate that you have read the reply posts.

Apparently your wife is still talking to you. When you say open up to you, you mean have sex with you? Your seduction skills need improving? What massage instruction have you had? Will she accept a back rub? I got massage instruction tapes off the internet. Esalen (Spelling) was good. Will W accept baby oil on her back? There are massage schools in the phone book. What do you know about Deep Muscle Rolfing?

One key to having a woman open up to you, is to ask approprite questions. You do not post any of the questions that have failed, under what circumstances.

What are the emotional needs of W? Have you filled out the Questionaires to the best of your ability? Have you read the instructions on the Quesionaires? Apparently one need of W is have a high degree of trust in your beng faithful to her.

Have you read 180 Degree Divorce Busters? Suggested in your first thread? It is in a post by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN under Negoitating. At the end, is The Love Diet. That explains what most men miss about how to give their wives what they need.

If your wife won't do therapy, bring the therapy to her. There are books of cunseling questions, The Grade Charts 0-4, and the Assists, $85.00 a book, from Scientology. Have your counselor suggest which series of questions can be adapted for you.

I will check back, but you only have 3 posts, so I have experienced that people with few posts don't post back. If you still have problems, post back more specifics of the quesions you have tried, and the circumstances of the questions.

What else is your wife upset about? If she is that upset about that incident, maybe she has something to hide. Have you had a detective check her out? What does your lawyer say?

The questions you might start up with, "Would you like me to help our daughters to go to college, or do you want me to get another woman and send the kids in my new family to college?"

Apparently you live in a house. "Do you want the children to live in a house, or in an apartment?"

"How can we make this house better? What kind of a car would you prefer to drive?"

What church does she go to? Where is W getting these excessively prudish ideas about her pride? Who are the significant people in her life? What do they say? Who have you tried to talk to? Wha are your allies? Who is stabbing you in the back, and smiling to your face?

How much does it cost to cancel the lease on the apartment? What is your negotiating position as to your posture on what you are going to do if she does not cancel the apartment deposit by what date? What is your power balance? You sound weak, what are your strengths?

Lie detectors are not particularly reliable when it comes to emotional issues. Even though Melody Lane has been kind to me on some important threads, and I hesitate to give a divergent view to hers.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you failed the lie detector test. What question was a lie, or inconclusive?

Have you evaluated your balanace of needs if you pull a Plan B on her? Has there been a legal forgiveness from whatever hapened with OW? Does your lawyer say she can use OW against you in court? What about, "You either cancel the apartment, or I start dating other women right now, and you have anything to say to me, you talk to my lawyer. I am sure that I can find a single woman with a child or two who would appreciate having a house and a man to help her put her kids through college.

Basically, I think you need to find a power perspective, and a needs analysis on this issue in a hurry.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 03:55 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>