we have been married for 15 years, found out this week he had a "one nite stand" 8 years ago. The encounter resulted in a pregnancy to which he assisted her with getting an abortion. We have 2 children ( 10, 8) and I feel as if my heart has been just ripped out. I don't know what to do. I would like the details of it, because my imagination is running wild. But I'm afraid the real details will haunt me forever and I may not be able to forgive. Any advice would be helpful.

Hi Celly, I'm glad you came here for help. I am so sorry that this horrible thing has happened to you. Lots of people here have walked in your shoes, including myself. Your hurt is very real.

You will be getting a lot of advice and encouragement from this board so keep posting. Also read, read, read. Everything you can get your hands on to help you to understand what you're feeling. There are alot of books out there. A few are:

-Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
-Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley
-Tough Love by James Dobson

There are many. Read other people's posts here too. You will find quite often that your question will be answered for you w/o ever typing one letter! Gather a small support network if you can. People that will just be there for you. Stay in church. Pray. I mean down on your knees prayer. Stay in constant communication w/ God. He will provide answers and comfort to you. If you are not already involved in a Bible study I suggest you do that. This has been my lifeline. One study that has been of particulat help is the Beth Moore study called "Breaking Free". This study is life changing. If one of your local churches is offering this study GRAB IT! If not just purchase the workbook and start digging. You will find answers for you.

All of these above things have helped me in a major way. I'm struggling w/ the pain and heartbreak but look at all of the positive things God has provided for me to come out of this stronger than I ever thought possible. Take this opportunity for God to use you. Let him take the beautiful woman that you are and refine you. You are so precious to Him and he has something wonderful for you if you'll just trust Him.

Hi Celly. Sorry for your painful situation. I understand your despair and so do many here.It doesn't matter to the betrayed spouse how long ago the affair happened, it still hurts like it happened yesterday. Like your husband, mine didn't tell me anything til many years later.

Whether to ask for details seems to be an individual preference. For me, I HAD to know everything. That's the type of person I am-- a "need to know" girl,and I felt literally panicky to find out what happened in my husband's life behind my back. I felt our lives togther had all been a lie in the face of his revelations, and I needed to fit everything into the new reality. Went back over old family videos, photos, letters, etc. Spent months just playing my life over in my mind trying to make sense of it all.

Yes, the details were excruciating to hear. But the pain does fade, and you at least have the feeling of being informed. Honesty and openness suddenly became paramount to me; D*** the pain--I wanted to know the TRUTH! By telling the details, the formerly wayward spouse (fws) is letting you into an area he kept secret from you that is part of YOUR life as his spouse. This honesty is good for the relationship, and can help to begin re-establishing trust. If he is not willing to talk, how will you ever know what brought him to the place of betraying your trust, and how can you be assured it didn't happen more, and won't happen again?

This is a scary thought for you right now, but he may have more to tell. Usually the whole truth comes out in fits and starts because they don't want to put too much pain on you at once, and usually minimize the relationship(s) until questioned.

Have you read much on this website? I encourage you to read everything, and to continue posting when you have questions, or need to share. A cheating spouse is one of the most HORRIBLE challenges you will ever experience, and can destroy a marriage. But it doesn't have to.

Why did your husband finally confess after 8 years? Mine got an std that became symptomatic after 15 years. He also claimed he was tired of not being honest, but who knows! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Blessings

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by celly:
<strong> I would like the details of it, because my imagination is running wild. But I'm afraid the real details will haunt me forever and I may not be able to forgive. Any advice would be helpful. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Celly,

Your imagination might haunt you worse than the true facts. However, you need to decide for yourself what you want to know. Often when we don't know the facts, we imagine the worst. Either way, hopefully he is willing to tell you as much as you want to know because his willingness is ESSENTIAL to your recovery.

I can't add much to the excellent points the others made, but just know you will get lots of support and sympathy here. Take care.

Celly,

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, this past Oct 19th. My husband told me also after 8 years of hiding it. We became Christians 6 years ago and he said that he felt that God was leading him to tell me and that he fought it until he couldn't anymore. It felt as if he had, had the affair that week and not 8 years ago. It happened 2 times with the same woman in a two week period. It has now been 1 1/2 years since he told me and I still am having problems. But that is because I don't believe I delt with it the right way. I have learned so much on this site and you will too. Everything that has been told to you so far is so right. Put into practise as soon as you can so that your healing can begin and you do not harbor the hurt for a long time like I did and unfortunatly still do, but getting better. I used to think that if he could hold on to it for 8 years why tell me now, but I have come to realize that we would never have been able to have a good marriage until he told me. There would have always been that elephant in the room with us. Good luck and God Bless. JW

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: jilted woman ]</small>

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. If it were not for Gods strength in me, I don't think I could have even made it this far. I think yesterday, was the first day i haven't balled my eyes out over this. Someone asked, why did he confess after all this time? I honestly think that God is dealing with him in a strong way, and I just think he has been miserable with himself all this time. He was seeing a Christian counselor about some other problems he was having, and the counselor told him that unless he confessed everything, then God was not going to hear his prayers. He said he had kept it a secret this long to keep me from getting hurt, but now he just wants to be reconciled to God. Again thanks for the encouragment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by celly:
<strong> but now he just wants to be reconciled to God. . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And he really must want to be reconciled to you. He must love you very much to tell you this after all this time, celly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He has been carrying a terrible burden for 8 years, and it finally got too much for him. That's God's grace working on him, giving him so much pain that he brought you his pain, knowing how much it would hurt you to know what he did and that he hid it for so many years.